p.s. I Love You

And then I cried

2008-12-09T23:04:00.000-08:00

I went to Border's today at lunch for a little Christmas shopping. That and I wanted to see if anyone truly put their secrets in the Post Secret books on the shelf. Nope, no secrets. I was a little bummed by that. I picked up some awesome Christmas gifts. I love giving books. I don't know why, I just do.

I got in my car, pulled out, and started to drive away when I saw a man about my age with a large elderly man in his arms. The old guy was taller than the man and no help as the man tried to get him from the front seat into a wheelchair behind the car. Just as I approached, the man tried to sit the old guy in the chair but it wheeled away and he dropped the old guy on the ground. I slammed the car into park, grabbed my keys, and jumped out, yelling "hold on, I'm coming." I ran the two car lengths as the man tried to hold on to the old guy and lift him from the ground. I grabbed the run-away chair and brought it back behind the old guy as the man lifted him again. It took the two of us a couple of tries to get him settled securely in the wheelchair.

The man thanked me profusely and explained how all the handicap parking spaces were taken so he didn't have room to set the wheelchair close to the passenger door and had to carry his dad all the way behind the car. He kept thanking me as I headed back to my car.

I noticed that by leaping from my car, I had blocked 4 or 5 other cars from leaving and they were all just sitting there waiting for me to move. I turned the car back on and put it into drive. As I drove away, I realized that there were at least 20 people walking to and from Borders past this man struggling with his elderly father and not one stopped to help.

I'm not sure why, but I cried the whole way back to the office.

How much are your student loans?

2008-12-07T19:02:00.000-08:00

Last year little princess talked us into a live Christmas tree. See we had live Christmas trees up until the point we bought our first house. We had a rule back then... if you didn't use something at least once every six months, you couldn't keep it. We moved frequently and had no storage space. This made most holiday decorations against the rule. Hence, no artificial Christmas tree.

Finally, we bought a house and we began to collect stuff. Hell, I now have stuff I may (or may not) use once every six years. The artificial Christmas tree was fabulous when the kids were little. We used to nail it to the floor and tie it to a hook in the ceiling. No Christmas tree of ours was gonna fall on our kids. And if I was busy, I could just leave it up until Easter and hang plastic eggs on it.

Many Christmas season's have come and gone. Big Daddy and I find ourselves growing weary of the yearly chore of dragging the boxes and totes from the nether regions of storage (sometimes called the garage even though there hasn't been a car in it for more than 15 years). Then there's the fight to assemble and fluff the fake tree, untangle the lights, throw away the lights that worked when we put them away but don't now.

We've discussed this distain more with each passing year. Then, the children are mostly adults now and the joy they once felt for this yearly ritual is fading... or at least it was until last year.

Little princess begged for a live tree. She came up the dozens of reasons we should and as most parents come to realize, sometimes its easier to give in than listen to the whine coming from your child's mouth. We had a live tree last year.

This year she started around November. "We should totally cut down our own tree this year," she joyfully whined (over and over). "That would be freakin awesome."

Big Daddy and I now know why our parents all went to the two foot, pre-lit, artificial Christmas tree on the table the moment we left home. Because they could.

Sunday morning we mustered the children for the adventure. At 10:30 am we attempted to wake them. Big Princess wanted to know why she had to go. "Because its a damn family event and you will go and be happy about it. Now get up." Little princess wanted to know why we had to go at the crack of dawn. "Because it will be the crack of noon before you're ready to leave the house. Now get up."

So we load up (at noon, like I predicted) and drive 30 minutes to the "Tree Farm," which is the size of 3 small residential lots. We're handed a saw and a wagon and told to go pick one out. The girls took turns trying to pull each other in the wagon. We wandered up and down the rows trying to find the perfect tree. But, hey, this is Texas and Charlie Brown had a better selection.

Then suddenly, my 22 year old Big Princess looked at her father and said, "How do you think they got all these trees to grow in staight lines like this?"

All I have left to look forward to...

2008-10-09T18:53:00.000-07:00

Little princess and I went to a memorial service for an eldery man from church. We knew him but not long or well and that in its self made me sad. I think this is little princess' first funeral. She says no, but neither of us can remember of any other funerals she's been to. The service was short and somber. Oh, and I wouldn't have sat with her if I'd have known she was a crier... cause I'm a sympathy crier.

On the way home she asked if we could go out for ice cream. I think that will be our new thing that we do after funerals, go for ice cream. We talked about the service and I told her, "Everybody better be wearing pajamas at my funeral and I'd better be wearing some pink sexy pj's. I don't care if I'm a hundred and six. H O T S E X Y Pajamas. And I want some Posion or Red Hot Chili Peppers playing softly when people come in. I want some rocking hymns, the kind with clapping and people swaying to the beat. Tell funny stories, try to include atleast one naughty one. And I do want flowers."

What kind? little princess asked.

"Pink ones. Roses, carnations, lilacs, daisies, and tulips."

Is that all?

"No, I want pussy willows too."

But I don't even know what pussy willows are...

"Look, you have lots left to look forward to... your first apartment, your wedding, decorating your first house, the nursery for your first baby. All I've got left to look forward to is my funeral."

Father Time

2008-09-30T18:21:00.000-07:00

Dear Father,
I'm robbing Peter to pay Paul. Please charge me interest.

My phone rang at 6 am this morning. There is apparently a cat shortage in Seattle, Washington and an Asian gentleman named Abraham could bring about world peace if only I could get him a kitten TODAY!

Well, who am I to deny the world peace. Despite his broken English and 50 cell phone calls, I managed to pull it off with the help of Big Princess. Oh sure, there were several micro crisis's but with world peace at stake (and me desperate to move some kittens) we came through with flying colors.

The time that was sucked up by this little side project today was robbed from my database time allotment. My database front end was split from the back end and all the forms and queries reworked. Today I should have been analysing the data for accuracy and testing since it has to go live at 8 am tomorrow for data entry. I did manage to steal some time to look it over briefly and direct some work to a co-worker (who will end up working all night).

This pushed my MS150 meeting with 70 team members into the lunch hour. Since I was presenting, I couldn't really sit there and eat while I talked so I skipped the consuming of calories (not all together a bad thing) and jumped right back into work. I fielded calls, sometimes 3 at a time, and tried to play catch up.

This worked until it was time to take world peace kitty to the airport. While it was 5 pm when I finished this humanitarian errand, I couldn't call it quits. I headed back to the office, dash off some emails, caught a few people that also couldn't escape at the 5 o'clock bell and then headed to the MS150 staging area to inventory the liquids (water, soda, Gatorade) and start stocking the coolers (all 15 of them) for Friday departure. At 6:45 pm I realize I really need to go home cause I'm running out of time to check homework, spend time with little princess, go through the mail, eat, shower, sleep and get up to do it all again.

On the way home I started making a mental "To Do" list:

Call Sweet Woman that I was a bitch to because she was sucking up my time by wanting to tell me about some irrelevant article she saw in the newspaper. (Who reads newspapers anyways? I mean, really!)
Call Gym Buddy and cancel for tonight (be sure to explain that you didn't really eat today so there's no point in exercising and the craziness of my life right now).
Call Dear Friend who left you a message about having to leave town this afternoon due to a personal crisis (make sure she's ok and offer a prayer that everything gets better tomorrow).
Return Best Friend's call from Saturday (explain that I'm really not sure what day she called or what day it actually is).

I can do all that while I eat. Wait if I eat while I shower and make these calls at the same time... I can get back 45 minutes of today.

Father,
What is the balance in my time account look like for tomorrow?
Just checking...

On A Roll (or 2 for 2)

2008-07-31T19:03:00.000-07:00

I only discovered the joy of Brazilian waxes in the last year. And wow, what a difference a year makes. But... 5 out of 6 appointments have left me a little miffed. When I planned to do a little shopping after my appointment, I instead had to return home to clean up the wax residue.

Now I've never been shy of complaining about bad service to the person responsible but its a little more difficult if you consider doing it while naked from the waist down with the person who will probably be ripping your pubes out next visit. Well its time to make another appointment but I want a better experience so I email the manager to ask if it was normal to send clients out the door still sticky down below. (Hey for all I know maybe they charge extra if you want to leave clean.)

She promptly called me to say absolutely not and thanked me for bringing it to her attention instead of just looking for another spa. She then offered to give me a free appointment with one of her more tenured employees and asked me to speak with her afterwards so she could ensure I was happy with my appointment.

That made me extremely pleased as I would be saving close to $100 and I'm pretty sure getting superior treatment.

Later today I went to the gym with Big Princess and I worked her hard. Dripping sweat and close to vomitting she begged me to stop. I made a deal with her that if she got thru the complete last set of ab exercises, I'd buy her Krystal burgers on the way home. (Krystal burgers just opened and we've never had them before.) She was in and pushed it to the finish line.

We drive over to Krystal burgers and try to figure out how to order and what to order. They were extremely busy so we figured it would be good. We got our food about 20 minutes after we ordered and immediately took the burger out and took a bite. COLD. I hit the button for the carhop to come back but after 5 min. Big Princess said, "Let's just take them home and microwave them." Ok, I was tired of waiting too. We get home and not only are the burgers cold, my drink cup is leaking, we're missing little princess' macaroni bites and the fries are soggy, limp and undercooked.

Oh hell no! I called the store and asked for the manager. He listened while I explained all that was wrong with the order and then said, "Ma'am, thank you for bringing that to my attention. That is not acceptable and if you come back, at your convenience, I'll be happy to refund your whole order or replace it for free."

I like it when bad products or services are made right without me having to do more than calmly explain the problem.

All in the same day

2008-07-31T11:19:00.000-07:00

Dinner $15

1 bar of rock soap $10

Getting little prince to leave the house and shower in the same day...

pricesless

How did we go from this to THIS?

2008-07-17T18:51:00.000-07:00

Yesterday we finished at the dentist at 4:30 and I looked at little princess and said "So... what do you want to do now?"

"I don't know... get a car wash?"

"You wanna do something crazy?" I asked her slyly.

"That depends," she replied warily.

"We could grab our suits and go to the lake."

"Seriously..."

I'm rarely home before 6 pm and then there's dinner to make, mail to read, chores to do but today it was just me and little princess with a good four hours of day light to kill. We ran home and changed into our suits, grabbed towels, a cooler, sunscreen, and toobs, and were back on the road in under 15 minutes. We picked up soda and snacks and arrived at the lake in 45 minutes. There was only about 5 other families and plenty of room to spread out. We lounged in the lake and talked and laughed and told stories and teased each other while eating pringles and cookies in the water. The sun was warm on our faces and the water warm on our bodies. We packed it up around 8 pm hungry and happy. We picked up burgers and ate them on the sofa before getting ready for bed. I'm not sure about little princess but I sleep great. It was truly a great day together.

Then there was today. I got home close to 6 pm and immediately started fixing dinner. I wanted to go to the gym but it was already getting late so I thought "hey, little princess and I could do an exercise video together and spend some more quality time together."

I had her help me clear the living room and popped in the video. She said she didn't want to but then again she says that about almost everything. I told her I didn't care, we were doing it. We did the warm up exercises and I looked at her and she wasn't doing anything, just standing behind me. So I said, "Come on, put your hands on your hips" and she yelled "I'm NOT DOING THIS!" and stomped off to her room. I yelled back "Well, YOU CAN STAY THERE THEN."

I'm amazed how we went from connected and fun one day to yelling at each other the next.

So you had a bad day...

2008-06-02T18:11:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine had a bad day.

It seems hard to be single in your 40's. I mean, where do you meet people when you're in your 40's or beyond? I hadn't given this subject much thought until my friend confessed how lonely she was... then I started twisting it around in my mind.

Bars? Its seems like most singles at bars top out in their 30's. And then again, when is a bar ever a good place to meet your soul mate?

There's always the office, provided you work somewhere with a decent number of employees. But what about when it ends badly. My friend has tried this route and while it hasn't ended badly it has taken its toll with regards to the office gossip.

Take a class? Do single men really take dancing lessons? Cooking classes? What classes do men take? Seriously.

Where do any middle-aged, single people congregate? The park? The produce section at the grocery store?

All this thinking made me wonder why people didn't put more effort into staying together in the first place. It just seems like less work in the long run. I'm just saying...

Anyways, today someone stole my friend's catalytic converter off her car in the parking lot at work in broad day light. She called the police to come out and take a report. It will probably cost her about $500 to get it fixed. A friend from work offered to let her drive one of his cars while hers was repaired. My friend followed me to drop my boss's vehicle off at the shop (someone broke his window out at his house that morning). On the way back I remarked that I'd been meaning to stop by the new hotel by the office and check out the facilities. She said she could really use a beer.

She seemed so down that I decided to cancel my plans to workout at the gym and buy her a beer at the new hotel. We sat down and I bought us both a beer and I tried to think of topics to talk about that would cheer her up. Two guys sat down to her left and ordered drinks but they spent the entire time on their phones. Then a guy sat down to my right. The hotel manager came over to say hello and we were telling her about the catalytic theft and Mr. On My Right joined the conversation. We finished our beers and stood to leave. I turned to our new friend and started to say "It was nice chatting with..." when he winked at me. My friend turned at that moment and told him it was nice to meet him and we exited.

As we walked out, I told her that he winked at her. It seemed to cheer her up.

ps. Tomorrow's her birthday.

It hurts to look at her

2008-05-28T21:46:00.000-07:00

Big Princess has disappointed me. I've asked her repeatedly since she's been home from school how her grades are and if there's anything she needs to tell me.

"They should be good. No, nothing to tell."

Big daddy has said that something's up. "Big Princess is getting the mail everyday, like she's waiting for something." I told him that I'd asked her and she reassured me that everything was fine. "Besides, the school has my email address on file and they notified me last year when she was on academic probation. I haven't received anything from them."

I took her with me on an impromptu road trip to pick up my new shotgun. We spent 5 hours in the car together. I explained to her that we had helped her make a 4 year plan to get through college but now it was time to start planning for beyond that. It was clear that she had not given her future any thought. I told her she needed to take some time this summer and think about how she was going to achieve the rest of her goals.

Then the bomb dropped. I got an email at work from the university stating that her academic probation was cancelled due to lack of progress. She had told me she was off probation. In addition to this, all her financial aid was being cancelled. It said she could appeal the decision but she only had two days to do so.

I immediately called her and told her she had better have her official grades available to me that evening. (She had been telling me that her grades weren't available yet for weeks.) I get home and she's already left for work but there on the table is a folded sheet with her grades (folded like it came in an envelope, in the mail). She has failed all but one class, in which she received a C. She failed Jewelry and Old Testament, for god's sake. The paper also tells me that she has now attempted but failed 21 credit hours. This means she's now a year behind and paid approximately $18,000 to sleep away from home.

Now, close your eyes and picture me losing my shit. In addition to all this, I now have the pleasure of telling my husband he was right.

Apparently Big Princess didn't receive credit for 21 hrs, not because of performance, but because she skipped class too many times to receive credit. How retarded is she? Knowing she had missed too many classes to receive credit, she still studied for and took all her finals.

The three of us had a little coming to Jesus meeting where we informed her she would be staying home for the next year, playing catch up at the local college. She's not happy but hey, she does get to live (for now).

Its almost over...

2008-05-07T16:40:00.000-07:00

Travelling marathon almost over.

I've been on the road for 3 out of 4 weeks and the week I was in town, I had to take the kids at church camping at the beach. Next week is the last major trip for (hopefully) the Summer. I'll be working the company's charity music festival for 4 days. Its being held in the middle of No Where Texas. I have to drive 30 miles to the nearest town every day for a shower.

In other news, on the way home today I found the liquor outlet store.

Crown Royal
Cruzan Coconut Rum
Tequila Rose
Envy
Krugy
and the bartender's bible.

$63

How awesome is that?

Damaged For LIFE

2008-04-25T16:03:00.000-07:00

Background:
I dropped little princess at a sleep over and then hit the gym. Came home and hit the shower. Just as I shut the water off, I hear my cell phone go off in the livingroom.

Huh, I'll just call who ever it is back after I dry off and get dressed.

Ring, Ring, Ring... the house phone starts ringing the second my cell phone ceases.

Well, crap. Must be little princess. I run to the kitchen and grab the phone.

Hello?
Hey, what are you doing?
Who is this?
It's Big Princess.
WHY ARE YOU CALLING ON THE HOUSE PHONE! (We've had many discussions regarding how to avoid using cell phone minutes by only calling each other cell to cell.)
Why are you yelling?
BECAUSE I'M STANDING HERE NAKED!
WHAT?!
I had to jump out of the shower and run to get the phone because little princess is at a sleep over.
Hmmm, this is {insert Big Princess' name}, little princess' friend from school... I thought you were little princess.
Ahhh, crap. Look, I'm really, really, really sorry. You do know that little princess has an older sister with the same name right? I would never tell you I was naked. Could we not mention this to little princess? or anyone else for that matter?

Post Highlights

2008-03-26T18:44:00.000-07:00

I had some minor outpatient surgery in (let's just call it) a delicate area last Thursday. It seemed like a good time to have it done. Big Princess was home on Spring Break and could take me and then take care of me. I was off work the next day for Good Friday, so it would basically give me almost four days of recovery time.

It kicked my ass.

Pre-surgery went fine with only a minor hiccup with the insertion of the IV. (I currently have a bruise that looks like Mike Tyson punched me with an IV needle.) Big Princess blew up a latex glove and we played beach ball until we got to giggling too loudly and got busted by the doctor. Then they gave me a happy shot and wheeled me away.

I should have had an inkling of things to come when the doctor gave me 2 IV injections of morphine and sent me home with prescriptions for vicodin and muscle relaxers. Big Princess settled me on the sofa and went to meet my drug dealer, I mean fill my prescriptions. She came home and doled out my drugs. Then, according to her, she asked if she could have some of my tea*... to which I slurred, "NO! Drink my liquor. I can get more liquor."

The rest of the day was spent sleeping and taking pills. Little princess said that one time I held my hand toward the TV and tried to change the channel... but I didn't have the remote control in my hand.

Friday was spent napping a little less and taking pills every 4 hours. I was in no shape to attend Good Friday services that night so everyone left me on the sofa and went without me. I was sad but there was no way I could sit on a hard chair and not drool all over myself.

By Saturday I was sure I would feel better and told the girls we'd go shopping. Well shopping consisted of everyone accompanying me to the grocery store to buy just what we needed for Easter breakfast at church. Big Daddy ended up having to do the actual grocery shopping in the middle of the night.

I did make it to church (barely). I can only imagine what people must have thought. I was quiet and subdued, not like me at all, and we bolted the minute service was over. But I was sure I could make it through the night without my trusty vicodin and be able to drive to work Monday morning.

Hey, guess what? I couldn't and didn't.

I have stayed home sick with the flu, vomiting and diarrhea, and still fired up my laptop and answered emails and took calls. Not this time. I did manage to stay awake most of the day and only napped once. I finally dragged myself to the office Tuesday but spent the day wishing I was dead.

To top it all off, my mother and her husband decided this would be a fantastic time to drive their travel trailer all the way down from Indiana for a week long visit this week. So after a torturous day at the office, I have to go home and get little princes and drive to their trailer park for dinner and a couple hours of chitchat, when all I really want to do is go home and die on my sofa.

Friday I am supposed to compete in a company skeet shoot. I am currently trying to come up with a plausible story as to why I can't shoot. The upside is that its 3 hours away and I won't have to see my mom that night. The downside is that after getting home late Friday night, I'm supposed to take her, her husband and the girls to the "Cowboy Capital of the World" an hour from here for a day of shopping on Saturday, instead of spending the day in bed recovering.

Please pray for the recovery of my "delicate area" and patience in dealing with my mother and her husband.

* I love this tea called "Gold Peak". Its sweet tea with 0 calories. Its hard to find in my area and I had just returned from a business trip in Houston and found it at a hole in the wall gas station. I always carry a cooler so if I find it, I can stock up.

Its like a mirror on the inside...

2008-03-13T17:08:00.000-07:00

I didn't used to see a lot of myself in little princess. I mean she's tall and lanky; I'm regular length and on the round side. I have big boobs and grey eyes; she has brown eyes and, although her boobs are still coming in, they are probably going to be more regular sized. She's a crier; I'd rather amputate a body part than have someone see me cry. She's a cat person; I love dogs. I'm a go-getter. Do the hard stuff first and get it out of the way. Little princess believes the hard stuff will go away if she ignores it long enough (or maybe she just hope someone else will do it).

I went to her parent teacher conference today. Eighth grade isn't easy but if you don't turn your homework in for, say 6 weeks, it can be pretty hard to act cool in front of your teachers 5 minutes before your mom shows up for a chat.

One teacher said little princess stopped him in the hall to ask what he was going to tell me. Another teacher said little princess had uttered her "catch phrase" in class today. "Well, I'm almost passing."

Her teachers describe her as smart, eccentric, unique, whimsical and quirky. Today they told me stories of how she cheers them up. Cheers Them UP. One teacher said, "I can't wait to see what she grows up to be." They are all truly impressed with her ability to do her own thing and how she doesn't really much care what other people think of her essentric behavior.

In eighth grade most kids are killing themselves to fit the standard, be normal in the eyes of their peers, go with the flow. Not my kid, who takes her lunch to school in empty "Easy Mac" and cereal boxes, wears bright pink rubber boots with her gym uniform, only does half her hair (on purpose).

I think this is what we have in common, they ability to act how we want, be ourselves, without fear of alienating those we care about and who love us. Do her teachers and friends like her any less because she once glued Furby's eye lashes on her eyes? I am over joyed to hear that my brown eyed, skinny, tall, moderately boobed, daughter does her own thing to the delight of those that truly care about her and that she brings them joy just by knowing her.

ps. She isn't passing all her classes but she "almost is".

Nothing Says Texas Like...

2008-03-10T19:23:00.000-07:00

a Monday night emergency trip to Walmart for gun cleaner and beer.

Why do they keep the beer so far away from the gun stuff?

The Doctor Is In

2008-03-06T16:57:00.000-08:00

I flew to Dallas last night and back this morning to attend a birthday party for a big whig from work who rented a whole theater and had 2 bands play, 2 bars, and a buffet. I wanted to look good so I headed to the salon before my flight to get my hair "done".

Oscar is amazing. The shampo job was like a mini massage and the blowout was warm and relaxing. The end result? I look totally fabulous and I was completely relaxed.

I took my best-friend as my date and we had a ball. The night ended with us laying in bed, giggling like 5 year olds until we fell asleep.

I feel better than I have all year. I can't believe that a 14 hour trip could totally change my outlook on life. I thought it would take atleast a year of therapy...

Found Out

2008-03-02T17:51:00.000-08:00

Hi little princess!

She wouldn't give up until she found me. Oh, she'd asked several times where my blog was located and I told her it was none of her business.

After she announced she'd found it, I explained, "Fine, but you can't get mad if you read something you don't like. My blog is where I go to vent, de-stress, and record my feelings; both the good and the bad. Its like my diary. If I knew where your diary was, would you like it if I read it?"

So little princes... if you're reading this you should probably be doing the dishes and getting ready for bed. Don't make me tell you again!

ps. You look totally cute in the new tennis outfit I bought you this weekend. Now go learn to play tennis.

A Legend in my own mind

2008-03-02T17:32:00.000-08:00

1. Had drinks with a friend Friday.
2. Birthed some kittens Friday too.
3. Took my family to a nice seafood restaurant on Saturday even though I'm allergic to seafood.
4. Sunday called a guy friend to shoot a couple of round of skeet and then work out at the gym.
5. Made a sick Big Daddy cheddar potato soup as a finale on Sunday.

I'm so friggin awesome I'm surprised men aren't lined up down the block to woo me... Guess the word is out that I'm taken.

I Have Feelings

2008-02-20T07:14:00.000-08:00

(paraphrased from the orignal email)
How have you felt about some of the changes to our music at church?

A few years ago, I began feeling a need to add something else. I had been hearing about Taize music from France. A music style we might call "contemplative" is becoming popular around the country. A woman from the music team began singing some Taize chants on Sunday about a year ago. I also introduced chimes and periods of silence into worship.

If you have feelings about this you would like to express, write me back.

I waited several days before I responded. I considered not responding at all even though I have had a rather strong opinion in regards to the chants. (My family knows well my feelings and we've had several conversations regarding "the chants".) But believe it or not... I don't like to rock the boat. I was afraid that any negative response on my part would cause people to whisper behind their hands about how I ruined church for them.

I waited to reply so I could figure out why I had a problem with the chanting. I've watched others during the chanting respond favorably; eyes closed, smiling, swaying. I'm not saying everyone looks comfortable. Some look like a deer in the headlights but you know the saying, "you can't please everyone."

I just kept coming back to the last line of the email: "If you have feelings about this..."

Then after Church this Sunday I realized I don't like the Taize chants when they are not in English. (I think it may have something to do with bad memories of being forced to attend Mass in Latin as a child.) Maybe I missed the Sunday when it was explained to the congregation but I had no idea what Taize chants are or what I was supposed to be getting from it and that made it hard to like too. And I truly dislike having to repeat (or sing along) when I don't know what I'm saying (back to that non-English thing).

Anyways, I ponied up and sent my feelings via email.

But White Shows the Dirt

2008-02-12T07:11:00.000-08:00

I think little princess (who is now 5'10"... 2"-3" taller than Big Princess) was intrigued by fencing because as of fall 2007 she totally wanted to be a pirate. She also asked me if the fencing outfit came in other colors.

"Wouldn't white show the blood? I'd want it in black or maybe red?"

Yeah, cause I know how much she hates doing laundry.

She Really is Mine

2008-02-11T19:16:00.000-08:00

"So... what do you want to do after the dentist?"

"I've been thinking about doing tennis."

"What are you talking about, you don't even have a racket."

"Me and Lill were talking about 'doing' something together and wanted to do fencing. But I was all like, those outfits would be too hot... and ugly."

"You do look totally hot in a tennis skirt."

"Yeah, I know. That's why we decided on tennis. The outfits are totally cute."

VIP All Access Pass

2008-02-02T09:01:00.000-08:00

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When Harry Met Sally

2008-01-28T17:36:00.000-08:00

So we're at the gym. We've completed 20 min. of cardio and head down stairs to do some work on the mats. There's a personal trainer working with a young woman (who doesn't look like she needs training) and a guy doing push ups. Gym partner is lagging behind me, like, 8 feet. So I turn around and say (rather loudly so he can hear me), "Do you want a ball or do you want a weight?" He replies, "I want a weight."

I see nothing out of the ordinary in this coversation. I merely wanted to know if he wanted a medicine ball or a barbell to increase the intensity of his floor exercises. Much to my amazment, everyone around me is doubled over in laughter.

Here's what everyone else heard:

"You wanna ball... or you wanna wait?"
"I wanna wait."

I'll take "What is sit down and shut up" for $500 Alex

2008-01-28T07:06:00.000-08:00

I've been given the smack down twice this week already and its only Monday.

The big boss is upset with me for speaking to and carrying out a request from his boss without first discussing it with him.

My supervisor thinks I've over-stepped my bounds by finding a free software program from the government that will help the company from many different levels.

Apparently I behave as if work is a game show where having the correct answer first will win me a prize.

I have been informed that is an incorrect assumption on my part. I am to zip it and let my superiors have time to formulate the correct answer on their own (or atleast feed them enough information to let others think they came up the idea themselves). Its their job to do the speaking parts. (I am reminded here of my crapy stepfather's theory that children should be seen and not heard.)

My supervisor said I'm a "go-getter" which "can be a good thing... and a bad thing."

How can this be a bad thing? Oh, yeah, when I make them look bad. Now I remember. I truly believe most of this comes from the fact I'm a (gasp) woman.

I have been thoroughly chastised and promise to stop making eye contact and offering opinions... so help me God. (I will also walk 5 paces behind the men in my department... but I will be cussing them and making faces.)

Who Did What?

2008-01-17T08:05:00.000-08:00

Actor David Spade is to become a dad for the first time after his ex-girlfriend named him as the father of her unborn child.

Named him? "I name my baby-daddy David Spade."

Playboy Playmate Jillian Grace, 22, claims she fell pregnant with (David) Spade's baby after dating him for a short period last year.

How does one "fell" (fall?) pregnant? I know David Spade is short but come on.

And the 43-year-old has vowed to support Grace if her claims of paternity prove to be correct.
He tells TMZ.com, "I had a brief relationship with Jillian Grace. If it is true that I am the father of her child, then I will accept responsibility."

Ok, translation time:
brief relationship=drunk fucked once
accept responsibility=will tell everyone he totally "did" her

Oh hell no

2008-01-16T18:37:00.000-08:00

Right before I left for vaction over the holidays, my "supervisor" and I were talking about the manager he just hired and I was asking how much support this guy was going to require. "Well, there'll be a lot more permits coming out of this office, so that means a lot more copying, filing, and proofing of permits." I suggested that it was time to think about hiring an admin. That between the 3 of us we could keep someone busy 8 hours a day. (That's been the argument against getting some help up til now.) His reply was, "I think we need to reassess your duties and pull you back into the environmental dept."

I'm the database analysist for the Operations Support Dept. (Environmental falls under Ops Support). I also do all the Workers' Comp., write and edit the company newsletter, manage the operator qualifications, and I'm the event planner for corporate functions. My time is split 60% in Safety, 20% in Regulatory, 10% in corporate functions, and 10% in Environmental. But my expenses all come out of his Environmental budget. I think this chaps his ass, that and the fact that he rarely knows what I'm working on at any given moment. I think that the only reason I report to him is that we are in the same office.

He wants me to make copies and file! What the fuck? With what they pay me they could hire 3 admins. I fumed for several days. I wondered if he had already discussed this with his boss.

Well, the big boss was finally in town and we sat down to discuss 2 corporate events that I'm working on and a reorganization of some databases for the safety department. After we'd gone over all the details, I looked him in the eye and said "Now I'd like to talk to you about me." He had a momentary look of a deer in the headlights before he recovered his composure. "Ah, ok."

I explained the conversation I'd had with my supervisor and asked him what he thought. "Well," he said buying some time. "That doesn't make a lot of sense... unless you wanted to." I explained that I would be very unhappy if that happened. He said he thought my supervisor was only thinking about how to solve his problem of needing more support and not thinking about my upward mobility. (That's putting it nicely.)

"I will take care of this."

I was pretty sure he would take care of this before I talked to him. He sometimes moves slower than I would like but sometimes you have to wait for the right moment to move things forward. For once I was able to apply this theory by waiting 3 weeks for the big boss to show up in person instead of calling him on the phone and rambling on while I was still upset by the initial conversation with my supervisor. Here's hoping this thing resolves itself sooner, rather than later.

It Still Hurts

2008-01-07T18:43:00.000-08:00

Adopted princess returned late Friday night. I know this because she was asleep curled up next to Big Princess when I woke up Saturday (and she wasn't there when I went to bed).

We all had some errands to take care of Saturday but regrouped at the house that afternoon. The two older girls went with me to buy new cells phones and a 2008 family calendar (cause less than one week into the new year without a calendar and we were falling apart). I rewarded the girls with frozen custard at Freddy's for not whining about how long it took at the phone store. Big Princess and I split a burger too.

We agreed that we'd do Sunday School the next day but bug out of church and head to Bandera for antique shopping the next day since Big Princess needed to leave Sunday night for school. I called my friends in Bandera to arrange for them to join us for lunch.

I didn't sleep well Saturday night. I blamed it on a late nap with Big Daddy. I kept thinking "yeah, I'm gonna be tired tomorrow but I'm not cancelling. Its our last chance for a girls shopping trip." About 30 minutes before my alarm would have gone off, I hear Big Princess get up and go into the bathroom. I then hear the most god awful retching noises. I get up and take her a bowl. She declines as she has already vomited into the trash can. I tell her ok and realized that I'm gonna need it.

We both spend the rest of the day vomiting from both ends, moaning, and napping. We do, however, have awesome friends. I weakly called gym buddy and asked if he could possibly see his way to the store for some Popsicles. He brought both our favorites promptly. Later I asked Big Princess to call in a favor and get someone to bring us some ginger ale. Her buddy, not known for his promptness, got us 2 large bottles in, like, 20 minutes. (I really thought it would take a minimum of 45 minutes.)

We both woke up this morning feeling like we'd been run over by dueling semi trucks. For the record she did vomit two more times than me. Unfortunately she absolutely had to get on the road to register for classes. I, on the other hand, have ten sick days and wasn't afraid to use one less than 7 days into the new year. I spent the day napping on the sofa, trying to keep solid food down and finally went for a massage. I currently feel more human, less zombie-like.

Wait, What Were We Talking About

2008-01-02T18:40:00.000-08:00

It started with me announcing to little princess that she was getting a tetanus shot tomorrow.

lp: What? Why?
me: Because they won't let you back in school with out it.
Big Princess: You know they give it to you in the butt.
lp: No they don't.
BP: Yes they do.
lp: No they don't... I'm gonna look it up on the internet.

lp: It says "given in the large muscle". See, I told you.
BP: What do you think your largest muscle is? Its your butt.

Further googling by lp...
lp: It says "can be given in the arm or thigh." Booya!
BP: Lift your arm... make a muscle. Yeah, its going in your butt.
lp: Mom! Make her stop.
me: Honey, the doctor is gonna be all "back that thing up JLo" and the nurse is gonna making that backing up noise... beep beep beep.

me: Its not like you have to drop your drawers to your ankles or anything. Just peel it down a crack.
BP: You should wear a thong.
lp: Like I have any thongs.
me: You can borrow one of mine.
lp: Mom! You have a thong?
me: A drawer full.
both: YEW!

A moment of silence followed by:
BP: You know thongs are the #1 cause of yeast infections. It rubs all your butt junk into your who-ha.
me: I appreciate you using such technical language.

Ok, I'm not sure how we jumped from thongs, butt junk, and who-ha's to this next topic...

lp: I'm tired of sex ed. I know it all by now.
BP: Really, why is it easier to get AIDs from annal sex.
lp: Well, I know its men's favorite position.
BP: What is?
lp: Doggie style.
me: That's not annal sex.
lp: Yes it is, its the same thing.
me: No, doggie style is just a woman on all fours. Its still going in the who-ha.
lp: Its still disgusting.

Brief pause (we have to catch our breath from all the laughing).

me: Ahhh, are there any other positions you are unclear about.
~silence~
me: Ok, what's something you need for annal sex?
They both yell at the same time, like its a game show:
BP: A condom!
lp: Love!
me: Ok, I'll accept both answers. I would have also accepted lube.

both: GROSS!

They'll Never Track Little Princess Down

2007-12-24T14:03:00.000-08:00

I bought a GPS system today as an early Christmas present to me. Thank you Me! You always know just what I want!

I'd done the research and wanted the one with the best out of the box features. So we get in the car and it took longer to get it out of the box than to set it up and plug in our first destination. Little Princess and I were mesmerized as the female robot voice told us exactly where to go.

"Look mom, you don't even have to look at the road... you can just look at the screen. But I don't recommend that. You could crash."

"Yeah, I think I'll just watch the road and listen to where she tells me to go."

"Let's give her a name. Let's call her Gladys."

"No, I'm gonna call her Rosie."

"No, call her Gladys. I don't like Rosie."

"She reminds me of Rosie the Robot, from the Jetson's. Watch her freak out when I don't make this next turn. I told her we were going home but we're really going to Petland."

"Look, she knows what time we'll arrive at our destination. The time stopped while we are sitting at the red light."

"Huh, that's weird. How does she know were aren't moving...?"

"The statilite tracking...?"

"Oh yeah, that makes sense. Wow, Rosie knows exactly where I'm at and what time it is."

"That's why I only pay cash and don't have a GPS."

Now why didn't I think of that, Little Princess?

I Broke All My "Rules of Behavior"

2007-12-20T19:19:00.000-08:00

1. No getting Shit Faced
2. No Dancing
3. No Swimsuit

Obey these rules and no one can talk smack about you the next day.

It started with the usual Friday morning conference call... except I called in from home. I immediately left for the salon and got my locks curled while Big Princess fetched me a latte from Starbucks. Then off to the airport for Houston. The calls started flying.

"Are you going?" (Hell yes!)

"Who else is coming?" (Only the IT dept. that I'm aware of)

"What time will you be here?" (I should be to the hotel by 4:30)

"Who's your date?" (My girlfriend from Baytown)

"What are you wearing?" (Not sure yet, I brought 2 dresses)

"What time are you showing up?" (The party starts at 7:30 so I plan to be there by 8 pm)

I called my friend and left a message, "Are we meeting today or are you blowing me off... again?"

He called back before my plane left the ground. He got hung up and was not going to make it. Hell, he didn't even think he'd make it to the party. So instead of checking into the hotel around 4 pm, I got there at 1 pm, grabbed some lunch and started to do some work. It was not to be. My date arrived first and then everyone else started to arrive and congregate in my room.

I was stewing about him cancelling another meeting and not being at the party after I drug his Christmas present all this way. Someone asked why I was here so much earlier than anticipated and I explained the cancelled meeting and it got me more fired up. "Fuck him! I don't even care what he needs help with... he can do it himself. Hell, open his damn gift, rip that paper girl. We are drinking his Christmas present." And with that we killed a bottle of Crown XO before the party started.

We finally shoo'd my friends out so we could get ready for the party. I brought two dresses and we decided on the red one. My date brought 4 dress and 6 pairs of shoes. It took much longer to help her decide what to wear. We made the party at 8 pm after picking up a coworker and his girlfriend. We ate, continued drinking and I think I dirty danced (do to the soreness of my thighs the next day). Not quite, sure as things start to get a little fuzzy at this point. The formal party ended at midnight and we all headed to the after party at a favorite bar. I remember 2 more drinks and then, bam, I'm back at the hotel and its 3:30 am.

I wake up at 7:30 am in just my panties and walk into the bathroom and look in the mirror. "Huh, someone took my make-up off." It took me 10 min. to realize that no one took my make-up off but me. I tried real hard to remember how we got back from the bar to the hotel but no dice. My feet were extremely dirty so I figured we must have taken our shoes off and walked (but it could have been a really dirty cab too).

I called one of my friends to see if she could fill in the blanks and discovered my friends missed their flight to Vegas as they were supposed to leave the hotel at 4 am for the airport and we didn't get back to the hotel until 3:30 and they decided to lay down and sleep for 12 minutes.

Well, after checking around, I didn't do anything too embarassing and I don't have to update my resume and start looking for new employment. Oh yeah, after a two day hangover, I remember why I don't drink whiskey.

Home for the Holidays

2007-12-12T18:50:00.000-08:00

Big Princess is home.

This cheers me up.

The arguments between the 2 princesses has begun.

Ahhh, the holidays.

What the Hell is Wrong with these People?

2007-12-10T18:29:00.000-08:00

I don't know if it was the weather or the alignment of the planets but everyone is in a funk. One of my favorite perverted friends sent me an email first thing this morning without a single reference to genitalia, sex, or animals "doing it". I emailed him back, expressing my disappointment. His reply: "Sorry, Its Monday, I'm tired and I just started my period."

From there the day got more grey and dreary.

My boss seemed out of sorts due to his company vehicle being in the shop, having to rent a car, his cell phone crapped out, his computer breaking down, and he has to go out of town the rest of the week.

Another coworker called asking for an employee roster. I explained that I don't really do that. I've done it in the past as a favor to him but I really don't have time right now. I could hear him freaking out, breathing harder. I told him to take a deep breath and release it. He could call HR and they could get it for him.

I drove to the gym after work and it was so foggy and grey that even though traffic was heavy, people just seemed to trudge along. No one was rushing or jocking lanes for better position.

Big Princess called while I was at the gym. I called her back but she was at work and didn't answer. I moved on to little princess and the gigantic homework assignment that is due Wed. She's had 3 weeks and I told her I wanted it completed by tonight. She's not done. She has questions. I told her last night that she had today to get with the teacher if she still had questions. She didn't.

This lead to a weepy, drawn out, whining session about how its not fair cause other kids have been told they don't have to do this project anymore. Its stupid and why should she have to do it.

Big Princess called back. Her little pickup "J Lo" won't shift and its on the side of the road, 2.5 hours from here. She caught a ride to work but: 1. she doesn't have the money to fix it, 2. she has 2 finals tomorrow, 3. the dorms close at 5 pm for the winter break. I told her its not the end of the world. She needs to get it to the garage first thing tomorrow, explain the situation to the mechanic, let adopted princess pick her up after her finals and bring her home. We'll loan her the money and let her borrow a vehicle so she can work while she's home. "Honey, its not the end of the world. You can always move back into your sister's bedroom and be our maid." My kind words caused her to cry in relief. (cause I'm good like that)

I hang up and little princess is now crying. "What's the matter? Are you crying about your homework assignment?" "No, its just that sometimes I think you love Big Princess more than me..." I explain that no I don't love either of them more than the other. Just in this instance, Big Princess has done nothing wrong but have some ill timed bad luck, while she has procrastinated a homework assignment that has me frustrated.

I then begged her not to start her period because I can't take any more drama today. I checked the calendar and informed her that Spring would be a better time, if she could hold off on that til then.

She's Not Homeless Folks!

2007-12-09T16:58:00.000-08:00

Little princess and her friends signed up to ring bells in front of WalMart for the Salvation Army. Of course, little princess was the only one to show up for duty. I'm sure she looked a little dejected since she didn't have her friends there. It must have actually helped the cause--cause I saw lots of people putting money in the kettle. One lady gave little princess a coat she bought inside WalMart and told her that if it didn't fit, the receipt was inside the bag and she could exchange it. It was, like, 80 degrees so it wasn't like little princess was out there freezing to death. I have to assume that the women thought little princess was being assisted by the Salvation Army and would need a warm coat when she slept on the streets during the holidays.

I proud of little princess for doing something good, even if she did end up with actual blisters on her hands from ringing the bell.

Did It Sound Like Your Dad?

2007-12-08T21:11:00.000-08:00

Big Princess called me. "Just checking in..." (I love that kid.)

"Ahhh, Did little princess call me? I had a weird voicemail message."

Me: little princess... Did you call your sister yesterday?... No, she said she didn't call you. Why? What was the message?

"Your mom's uterus is warm. I should know... I've spent time there."

Huh, that is weird. Could it have been from your dad? He's the only other person that has spent any time there...

~~~~vomiting noises and then dial tone~~~~~

Nothing to See Here, Move Along

2007-12-07T16:40:00.000-08:00

Corporate office Christmas party turns out to be one big disappointment. News at 6.

Only one person got really drunk and all she did was beg people not to talk about her the next day. How sad...

I, however, looked smokin' hot. Too bad I was dateless (Big Daddy had to work). My biggest burning question is why all the dateless women tried to cling to me?

"Come with me to the bathroom."
"Where are you sitting for dinner? Is there room for the 5 of us that don't have dates?"
"Can you go with me to the bar, buffet, smoking area, etc."
"Will you dance with me?"

I don't care if it is girl on girl action, dancing breaks one of my "work rules".

1. Don't get shit faced. You may get a buzz going but then it time to go.
2. No dancing--period. Not with oposite sex coworkers, not with same sex coworkers, not with coworkers' spouses of either sex. No dancing.
3. No appearing in public in a swim suit.

Follow these rules and no one will talk about you the next day. Unfortunately, everyone followed my rules (for the most part) and I've got nothing to talk about.

Hey, I'll be attending the Houston Christmas party next week so maybe someone will still break my rules and I'll have some real news.

The Day It All Started--21 years ago

2007-12-04T22:58:00.000-08:00

Today I lose my designated driver but gain a drinking buddy.

Happy Birthday Big Princess!

Ah, I remember well the 20 hrs of hard labor that still resulted in a c-section from hell by a doctor that didn't speak English. The 15 days in the hospital due to complications. The fact that you were so freaking big I had to send someone out to buy bigger baby clothes because you didn't fit into the newborn size clothes I had to take you home from the hospital in.

You ruined my body. I gain 60 lbs before I finally had you ripped from my womb 3 weeks late. I ended up with a 10" x 2" scar and no sensation from my who-ha to my belly button. I still have problems with the nerve that became trapped in my hip socket when my ligaments didn't loosen up and my hips didn't spread enough.

All said, I'd do it again to have you as my best friend (that I get to boss around--I mean parent).

Love,
Mom

On The Balance Beam

2007-12-03T18:41:00.000-08:00

No, not dead.

Just Brain Dead.

I have control issues. I must be in control. I cannot lose control.

I like it when people need me. People who need me annoy me.

I saw a dog get hit by a car today because all the co-workers in the car yelled "Look! That dog's going to get hit!" I looked, then we ate lunch.

I decided to leave a friendship behind because he wasn't being very friend like. I saw him today. The minute I saw him light up when he saw me walk in I changed my mind. By the end of the day he made me regret my decision to like him again. Its like he only wants to be my friend when I ignore him. Who is sicker? Him for only being my friend when I push him away or me for going back for more...

Happy Bonus Day

2007-11-09T09:09:00.000-08:00

You have to love today.

Its Bonus Day (and on a Friday to boot!).

Bonus Day is still good when it falls on a Monday, or Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday. Everyone is happy. Even the people that think they deserve more than they actually received are happy for the moment. There's talk of what to do with the new chunck of change; vacations, savings, bills, Christmas presents, gifts to the self.

For me its all the above; a small remodeling job in the dining room, a fancy dinner with Big Daddy this weekend, a piece of the tutition pie for Big Princess' next semester, savings, Christmas presents and then something for me (new dress? massage? more shoes?).

Life is good... today.

So what's your favorite?

2007-11-07T18:03:00.000-08:00

I got my favorite disease today.

Oh?

Yeah, I knew I couldn't pick the one I wanted so I was like 'YES!' when the teacher gave me the one I wanted.

Really?

We were all in, like, a group and 3 of us wanted the same disease but this one girl, she was all, 'Can't we get an easy disease? Like asthema?' And then I said, Asthema? Are you kidding me? That's not even a disease.

What is it then?

I don't know. An illness?

So what IS your favorite disease?

Tuberculosis.

Awesome.

Who's a baby now?

2007-11-04T18:07:00.000-08:00

We were in line for potluck at church and Big Daddy kept hitting me in the head with his plate (keep in mind he's 6'9" to my 5'6"). I asked if he was being crowded from behind and he said yes. I looked behind him and asked the young girls to stop. He hit me again. "Would you like to go in front of me?" I asked him. He said no. After the fourth time, I turned around and said "quit hitting me in the head with your plate!"

"You'd better knock it off."
"Then quit hitting me with your plate."
"I said knock it off."
"Then quit hitting me."
"I'm warning you..."
"Then don't hit me with the plate."

He then threw his plate and silverware on the floor and walked out of the church. Thus starts another stupid fight. He sat in the car for one and a half hours until we finished lunch and left. We now haven't spoken for 8 hours.

After we returned home in silence, I asked little princess if she wanted to go to Walgreens to pick up a prescription and Kinkos to get a print job for work and then to the mall. She said no, like she always does. I asked her what she had planned for the afternoon that she didn't want to go with me.

"Nothing, I'm just tired and want to watch my shows."
"Stores will have Halloween stuff marked way down," I told her.
"Will you buy me some discount Halloween candy?"
"Sure"

We ran the first two errands and called Adopted Princess. "Wanna go sniff perfume with us at the fancy mall?" Of course she did, she's 18 yrs old and not afraid her friends will think she's a loser for hanging out with me. We started at Neiman Marcus and ended at Dillard's with burned out sinuses, 57 strips of perfume soaked scent cards, and one bottle of Volupte by Oscar de la Renta.

We were just walking along, one daughter on each side, when little princess took my hand.

She took my hand!

My 20 days from being 14 years old daughter held my hand in public... for like 20 minutes. I really can't describe my joy. I told her how much it meant to me and told her I was giving her $5 for holding my hand.

"Really?"
"Really!"

She held my hand a little more and I bought her tater tots too!

When are your friends not your friends?

2007-10-24T18:29:00.000-07:00

I'm experiencing post event letdown.

I hate it but I recognize it. In the weeks leading up to the event, I'm a whirl wind of activity. The closer it gets the faster I go. People start to bombard me with calls, emails, questions, suggestions. I work harder, later, to fit all the work in a 24 hour day. Sleep takes a backsit, as do tasks I deem unimportant at the moment. I wake up in the middle of the night remembering details to be addressed. I stress until the event is well underway and there is nothing I can do to change the momentum.

Then its over.

I'll get thanked a hundred times and then nothing. I don't hear from anyone. I have to go back and take care of the tasks that go set aside. Life as usual must be resumed. Its a let down to say the least.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I don't like it when things don't happen as I expect or planned.

I knew by Saturday night I could relax and start to actually enjoy the event. The prep work and details were handled. Time to relax. I let the girls take my car and head to the coast for 15 hours of fun until the event was over and it was time to head home. We met back up the next day at the coast. I had a friend who was going to come down late Saturday and had even called the beginning of the week to confirm we were still on for the weekend. He'd pick me up and take me down to the coast to join the girls. His last words were "I'll call you when I'm on the road."

I didn't hear from him Saturday afternoon but I didn't stress. He knew I was relying on him to get to the coast and I was sure he'd call if something changed. I called around dinner time and left him a message letting him know the girls had taken my car and I was waiting. People began departing around 5 pm. "You need a ride?" "No, I've got a friend coming to pick me up, go ahead."

Finally as the sunset I realized he wasn't coming. Thankfully a friend and his girlfriend had stuck around and I was able to catch a ride to the hotel. I figured he must have been called into work and didn't have time to call me but I was sure I'd hear from him later that night. Next day no word but I had my car back.

No call from him at all on Sunday. I was a little worried that something had happened. Monday I called him again. No answer, so I left a message. Tuesday another coworker mentioned he had been trying to reach him as well. I mentioned how odd that was as I hadn't heard from him either. She said she had called his assistant and he was in a meeting.

Ah ha! I emailed him asking if he was dead because I couldn't imagine another reason he would leave me stranded. He replied pretty quick that "no he was alive... but you haven't gotten ahold of me yet. I'll call you as soon as I get out of my meeting."

Today, almost 5 days since he stood me up, I emailed him as soon as I got to work. "I had no idea meetings lasted so long." Still no answer. I emailed him at 5 pm assuring him that my cell phone does indeed work after 5 pm and while I am curious to hear his explaination as to what happened, I won't be curious for much longer.

I'm starting to sound like a pissed off girlfriend which isn't my intention but sonofabitch, I think I deserve an apology and an answer. No friend deserves to be treated like this.

I Used the Deacon Card...

2007-10-17T18:38:00.000-07:00

I went to the hospital to a young lady who's mother is a member of our church. I received an email that she had her baby 7 weeks early and the baby was under 5 lbs. The mother is a very sweet girl of 19. I know that's not really a girl but she just seems so very young.

She was very excited to see me and asked if I wanted to see the baby in PICU. "Of course, I'd love to see her." Then she looked a little worried. She said the nurse on duty down there was mean to her and would I be mad if they wouldn't let me in to see the baby.

"Would I be mad?" I wondered why she thought I'd be mad. Disappointed maybe, but mad?

We trucked down to the ward, washed up, gowned up and just kinda slide in the room. She is a very beautiful baby with extremely long fingers and toes and lots of hair. She has some monitors but is breathing on her own and feeding from a bottle. She's only in PICU due to her low birth weight. We oooh'd and aaah'd for close to 10 minutes before the nurse walked up with a clipboard and said "What is your name?"

"PSILY, the mother's deacon."
"You're not on the list. You have to go."

The nurse then lectured the mother about only the 5 people on the list were allowed to see the baby and the list cannot be modified. I was like, holy hell, no one else is allowed to see the baby and its going to be here for 5 weeks.

Ok, I am mad. I pulled the deacon card and still got the boot. Maybe I need to make me an "official" deacon id card.

Its not what you think...

2007-10-14T11:45:00.001-07:00

We teach JAM.

Which is the 4th thru 6th grade Jesus and Me class.

Today's Sunday School lesson was the wrap up of the 10 commandments. I did the first 4 dealing with our relationship with God last week. We played a game where only half the kids knew the rules but held all the kids accountable for the rules. "Hey, that's not fair. I didn't know I could answer the question if she got it wrong." Well kiddos, that's why God gave the Israelites the 10 Commandments (not suggestions).

I saved the rest (to include the adultry one) for my co-teacher cause I knew he could handle it better than me. We spent a lot of time on lying and stealing. One child wanted to relate a story of a time when she stole something. She saw a friend's pencil and wanted it, so she took it and when her friend asked her if she had it, she said no. We explained that she violated 3 commandments, not just the stealing commandment. Another child said she couldn't come up with one time she had ever stolen anything. Knowing her older brother, I suggested maybe there was a time she "borrowed" something of her brother's with his permission. "Oh, that's stealing?"

I told the class, "Yeah, according to little princess, she has never stolen anything, only borrowed stuff."

In worship service our row went Big Daddy, me, Adopted Princess, little princess, a girl from my Sunday School class "Blondie". Blondie goes up to the front for kids' story time and when its over she comes back to our row. She looks at little princess and says "you stole my pen and paper."

To which little princess looks her in the eye and says, "No I didn't, I'm just borrowing them."

Blondie looks at me and I just shrug and mouth the words, "I told you so."

Help! I need the number of a 24 hour repairman...

2007-10-13T19:34:00.000-07:00

A friend at church mentioned her nephew is coming back to town and asked if we had any work for him. Last time he was here, oh maybe 2 years ago, I had him do some odd jobs. He's extemely qualified to do any home repair under the sun. I told her I had a couple of projects I needed done and to let me know when he arrived.

A couple days go by and I mention to Big Daddy that the nephew is returning and I'd like to get him to install a dryer vent and take out the sliding glass doors and wall it in with a regular door.

"What?! I can totally do those jobs."

You can? Then why has the dryer been vented into the bathroom for 6 years?

"Well, I didn't know you wanted it fixed."

Ok, then... draw up your plans and lets get it started.

"What? like now?"

Let me just say that Big Daddy has plenty-o-skills. Handyman isn't one I would put at the top of his list, or even on, say, page 23 of said list. Jobs usually involve swearing, breakage, more swearing, calls to the 24 hr. plumber, and more swearing (usually by me at this point). The end result usually isn't what I had in mind.

Fast forward to the weekend...

"Do you have any computer paper?"

Hmmm, I don't but check with little princess. What do you need it for?

"I'm going to draw up the plans to do the dryer vent."

Hey, I'm online, let's look it up on a DIY website.

"A what?"

A Do-It-Yourself website...

"I don't need no stinking website."

I look it up anyway and read it to him. It talks about what a bad idea it is to vent your dryer into your house, fibers, lint, fire hazard, CO posioning...

So when are you planning to get started?

"Oh, I don't know. I just signed up for vacation in February."

I'm totally worth it

2007-10-12T21:01:00.000-07:00

We had our dunking booth today at work to raise money for the MS150 Bike to the Beach that actually takes place next weekend. Originally I wanted to wax the guys legs for charity but they wouldn't go for it, most of them already shave their heads so that wouldn't work. Then I suggested pie throwing but the boys said that would be messy.

So I set up a dunking booth. The team would get dunked and the volunteers would take the money, chase the balls, help the riders in and out of the tank. We charged $10 for 3 balls. Not bad considering you got the chance to dunk the company's top executives with no fear of repercussion.

Big Daddy has asked me if I was going to get in the tank.

No, its just the riders. I'm in charge of the volunteers.

"Well, I just think people would pay good money for the chance to dunk you."

I know I pull a lot of pranks and stuff (stuff being the key word here) but I didn't really think I'd have to get in the tank. I mean, who wouldn't be happy with dunking the president, COO, Comptroller, and a couple of VP's.

We started with the people lower on the food chain and worked our way up to the president. I worked the crowd, encouraging people and talking to a couple of vendors that showed up for the event. I even talked one vendor into contributing $500. Very exciting stuff! I had the director of engineering announce to the crowd the vendor's very generous contribution. All of a sudden, the president steps up and says "and he'll double his contribution if a woman gets in the tank. Pick a woman." And the president points to the crowd.

The crowd goes wild cheering and the poor vendor looks around in terror. He doesn't know anyone but a couple of guys in the engineering department. Suddenly the crowd starting chanting "PSILY, PSILY, PSILY!" The vendor looks at me in relief that he no longer has to name someone to get dunked.

I always knew I was worth $1,000.

In my dreams

2007-10-07T19:24:00.000-07:00

Big Daddy called me twice to ask if I was on my way home. "Nope, still shopping." The phone rang again and it was little princess.
"Are you on your way home?"
"No, why?"
"Daddy wanted to know."
"I said I'll call you guys when I hit the highway. It won't be much longer."

I had planned to be on my way home between noon and 3 pm. I finally told my girlfriend that I had better get going as it was my 20th wedding anniversery this weekend and I probably ought to get home before the sun set. I hit the road at 3:30 pm and phoned home to tell Big Daddy I had an ETA of 6:30 pm. "Get ready. I'm all yours tonight."

When I tire of listening to my own singing while driving, I start calling people to pass the miles (hands-free, don't panic). Who has nothing better to do than entertain me? Workout Buddy.

Hey, what's up?
Nothing, just watching Cops. (I've never been to his house that he wasn't watching Cops... seriously.)
You want to work out tomorrow?
Sure, what time?
Well, its our 20th wedding anniversery, so we'll spend the day together so let's make it late.
20 years? Wow! What do you guys have planned?
Oh, I don't know. He's called me 3 times to find out if I'm on my way home. I called him and told him I'd be home by the stroke of 6:30. So I'm imagining a trail of rose petals thru the house leading to the bedroom. The bed is covered in rose petals, tons of candles burning, he's showered, freshly shaven and waiting (eagerly) to massage my tired body... with lotion and pleasure me until I fall asleep from exhaustion.

Hello? PSILY? Wake up... I think you've fallen asleep at the wheel.

I opened the front door at 6:29 pm. Huh, no rose petals. Heck, no flowers period. The house is quiet and I walk to the bedroom. Oh, Big Daddy is waiting for me in bed... alseep.

A little is never enough

2007-10-05T21:54:00.000-07:00

I came to Houston for a business meeting today. All well and good.

Now I'm in Baytown and a friend's house, sleeping in her daughter's bed. I met her kids and husband for the first time tonight. They may think I the funniest thing since Seinfeld... or they may think I'm insane. But I like them, a lot. We're planning a girl's night out with our daughters in Marble Falls cause we both think there's more fun to be had together.

Tomorrow we head into Houston for shopping... and more fun. I haven't enjoyed myself this much in years.

Poetic Therapy

2007-09-30T20:07:00.000-07:00

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder in Blue
Fuck entirely the whole of it,Fuck the sucking of my soul of it.Fuck the in of it,Fuck the out of it.Fuck the part that wants to guilt me,Fuck the bit that tries to kill me.Fuck the hard to swallow of it,Fuck the lay in and wallow of it.Fuck the nickel,Fuck the dime.Fuck it now and for all time.Fuck it ever so completely.Fuck it messy or very neatly.Fuck the way it sits and stares,Fuck the standing up of hairs.Fuck the smirking,Fuck the working.Fuck the me it’s always jerking.Fuck the jibes and the snickers,Fuck the get-it-all-done-quickers.Fuck the taunts and the terrors,Fuck the barbs and the arrows.Fuck the incessant chatter.Fuck the “Aw, what’s the matter?”Fuck the grin and bear it,Fuck the speak up and share it.Fuck it publicly and private,Fuck the crazy shit that drives it.Fuck it when I'm tired,Fuck it when I'm wired,Fuck the syndromes that it's sired.Fuck it in and out my ear.Fuck the voices that I hear.Fuck the demons drawing near.Fuck the sympathy I garner,Fuck the church of Silas Marner.Fuck the clench in my intestine.Fuck the bed that I can't rest in.Fuck the class I have a test in.Fuck the three kinds of therapy.Fuck the me I might not ever be.Fuck confession.Fuck depression.Fuck the life I made a mess in.Fuck the crowds close around me.Fuck them pulling down to drown me.Fuck the heart and those who break it.Fuck the fact that I can take it.Fuck the woman I am outside me.Fuck the kid I am inside me.Fuck the places where I hide me.Fuck it in ink upon the stalls.Fuck it in spray paint up on walls.Fuck the stupid know-it-alls.Fuck the wisdom that will fail us.Fuck the lies that always trail us.Fuck the idiots in ivory tower.Fuck the us that gave them power.Fuck they us more by the hour.Fuck the going it alone,Fuck carving it in stone,Fuck the gnawing on my bone.Fuck the burden that I carry.Fuck the way it makes me wary.Fuck it just so I can spite it.Fuck it just the way I write it.
by Cynthia Huddleston
http://prodigalaspersions.blogspot.com/

She has it more beautifully laid out than this but I kinda like the way it copied over. All mishmashed, the way it feels in my head...
Thank you Cyndi, I feel better.

Today, I Am Pissed Off

2007-09-24T22:00:00.000-07:00

I'll just start from the end and work my way forward.

I thought I'd blog about it because each thing I've done prior to this has made me feel a little better but not back to my centered self. I rarely have to employ my whole arsenal of tricks to empty the negative but maybe PMS can be blamed and tomorrow really will be a whole new day.

I killed the Dibs. Ice cream is on my top five list of things that make me feel better.

Little princess and I watched "Chuck" and it made me laugh... a little bit.

I ate some cucumbers and dip that I made myself. I love my dill weed dip. I can't describe the flavor but its gooooood!

I made myself a TALL rum and coke. Sometimes a little buzz is just what the doctor ordered to shut the brain down at bedtime. I am terribly prone to lying in bed and rehashing things over and over and over. "I should have said... I should have done..."

Showering wakes some people up and makes others sleepy. I just like that fresh squeeky clean feeling, especially after a vigorous work out at the gym. It definitely wasn't gym day (after working out Sat. and Sun.) but I thought, "What the hell," a little excercise has been known to change my perspective on things.

My aunt returned my call from a couple days ago. I didn't tell her I'd call her back, as was my first instinct. I figured a chat with family might just cheer me up. I had called her while on the road late last week. I just wanted to check in since its been all most two months since grandma died. She went quick and unexpectedly so I figured some of my many aunts and uncles might be having a hard time. She related that one aunt has suffered a nervous break down and has been hospitalized due to infection and the fact that she stopped taking her cancer drugs. My favorite (alive) uncle has been in the hospital for three weeks after falling off his motorcycle. His skull has been removed and placed in his abdomen for safe keeping. His son, my cousin, lives with him but hasn't been to the hospital to visit and now various aunts and uncles are decending to whip his ass.

Little princess has had to fend for many dinners lately so I heated up some leftover KFC and checked her homework as soon as I got home from work. She hates long division and so do I.

I considered calling a friend or two on the way home to vent but I opted instead to roll the windows down and crank the tunes. Sometimes I can distract myself with music on the way home and clear my head.

The day had been ok, busy but ok. The afternoon changed all that. It went down hill fast. I stood my ground but this maybe wasn't the battle to do that. There just wasn't time to process what was happening before the next call or person. I know I'll have to answer to the Big Boss tomorrow (he emailed me at 6:30 pm to call him first thing tomorrow) but that's ok. At 5 pm I walked out before I said something in the heat of the moment that I'd really regret. I do believe my last words were "I'm done" and a very dramatic (and Italian) wiping of my hands.

So Let the Countdown Begin

2007-09-24T07:49:00.000-07:00

T-minus 5 days until my birthday.

I have been celebrating for 24 days so its about time to wrap it up. Heck, I've stretched Mother's Day into a week and Valentine's Day into a long weekend so a birthday month isn't unreasonable (at least to me). Mommy sent me a check and I dropped it all on a pair of boots this weekend that I thought "might" go with a dress I plan to wear at a Christmas party.

I tried the outfit on and little princess completely hates it. I thought it looked ok, Big Daddy just liked the thought of me in boots. What to do? I don't want to keep a pair of expensive boots if they don't make the outift. So I call my adopted princess and of course, she dropped everything to come by and give me her professional opinion. She liked it, "very bohemian" but she had to add that Big Princess will probably, well maybe, won't like it. "She doesn't like it much when you wear trendy clothes."

Huh, so everything she disliked was probably ok and all that stuff she tried to get me to wear was probably crap. Go figure.

We added big silver hoop earings and a wristful of silver bangles. I'm re-inventing myself just in time for a mid life crisis. I like to be prepared.

I Can't Go For That

2007-09-23T19:40:00.000-07:00

Once a year the gym gives you a free hour with a personal trainer so Saturday I truck in for my appointment.

Trainer:
So let's sit down and get this paperwork out of the way.

Me:
Hold up there. Let's just get something straight from the get go. We're not gonna talk about two things, my weight or my measurements, however, I am willing to talk about how I get my hair this soft and shiny or my sex life.

Trainer:
Sooooo... how do you get your hair that soft and shiny.

I just think its important to set the mood early.

Its Hard to Make Me Blush

2007-09-21T22:37:00.000-07:00

It's 5 pm and one of my girlfriends walks over to my desk to gather me for birthday drinks and while I'm packing up my desk one of the VP's walks up and looks at my candy dish which is known for my eclectic selection of candy.

VP:
Cow Tail's? What's that?

Me:
Oh, you know, actual cow tails, with the hair removed of course. I know how you hate hair in your teeth.

VP:
{chuckle} No, actually I don't mind hair in my teeth.

I instantly realized I had left myself wide open for the double entendre. If it had just been the two of us I (probably) could have laughed it off but due to the fact that another woman was present, I was mortified. I turned eight shades of red and started to stutter. I grabbed my purse and laptop and practically ran from the building.

They just stood there laughing at my discomfort.

Things little princess has taken her lunch to school in...

2007-09-13T19:40:00.000-07:00

1. A shoe box
2. 30 gallon black garbage bag
3. Hamburger Helper box

I argued ferociously with her the first couple days of school over the shoe box.

"Girl, you are in 8th grade and have huge feet. Do you really think its a good idea to give kids that kind of ammunition to make fun of you?"

We argued for 20 minutes over her taking her lunch to school in a shoe box. Finally I said, "Just tell me why?"

"It makes me happy."

"Nuff said, you win."

Tonight I asked her to go make her lunch and she comes out of the kitchen and says, "Ahhh, my lunch is in the Hamburger Helper box in the fridge. OK?"

"Does it make you happy?"

"Yes"

"Nuff said."

He finally called

2007-09-10T18:32:00.000-07:00

The week before school started, I asked little princess to help me do something. In exchange for her help I promised dinner out. She, thankfully, chose some place that actually serves food that doesn't come in a box or paper bag.

We sat across from each other and talked about the upcoming school year. I was having a great time as this was probably the first time all summer we had actually had a conversation that didn't involve tears, door slamming, stomping feet, or swear words. We were so engrossed in our conversation that we didn't notice any of the other diners.

As we were eating the waitress comes up and hands little princess a folded up napkin. Little princess takes the napkins and offers an akward "thanks?" and dabs at her mouth in case there is something offending there that she is unware of. The waitress is still standing there and she finally says "Well, is there anything 'in' it?"

I'm thinking "What the hell? Does she do magic tricks on the side in an attempt to boost her tips?"

Little princess unfolds the napkin and what do you think my 13 year old princess found?

A boy's name and number!!!

We are both flabbergasted. We both ask "which boy is this from?"

The waitress points to a table that has already left. We were so into our conversation that we never noticed who was at that table. I start to wonder "is he a 13 year old boy? is he a 18 year old boy that thinks she's 16 years old, or is he a 40 year old pediphile?"

I immediately snatch my phone from my purse. "We HAVE to call your sister!"

I explain all the details to Big Princess who is two and a half hours away at college. "Oh my god, give me the number." This is exactly what I expected of my oldest. She calls back in less than five minutes to say that he didn't answer but she left a message.

So every conversation with Big Princess since then has started with "So, has he called." Fast forward five weeks...

ring ring

"Hello"

"Guess who called me?"

"No way!"

"Yes, 5 weeks later he finally returns my call."

Well turns out he's 16 years old which is too old for little princess. She mounts a valiant defense that Big Daddy is two years older than me. I counter with "you can't date anyone who drives before you get a learner's permit."

Advice for Avoiding Shark Attacks

2007-08-22T19:15:00.000-07:00

Sharks are unpredictable, and any time you are in waist-deep ocean waters you are in shark country. Sharks rarely attack people, but a few simple precautions can help you reduce the already slight risk. The National Parks Conservation Association suggests you practice these tips to avoid attracting seen or unseen sharks.

1. When in shark waters but no shark is in sight, look out for fins. If you see one fin cutting through the water, that is likely a dolphin. Two fins—one behind the other—are more likely to be a shark, with its back and tail fins above the surface.

(Likely to be a dolphin? This is like that advice about poisonous snakes having cat-like pupils and non-poisonous snakes having round pupils. If I gotta get that close, I'm already a deadman.)

2. Don't carry dead fish when swimming or diving.

(I'm sorry but I'm gonna need more specific information. Are we talking small dead fish, like minnows, or does this only apply to the 5 to 10 pound variety. It's harder to swim with the larger fish but you know, safety first.)

3. Don't swim at night, early in the morning, or early in the evening. These are the times when sharks are hunting.

(Or Monday thru Friday and never on the weekends cause that's when all the guys sharks get together and have a couple of drinks and go cruising for swimmers.)

4. Stay out of murky water.

(Especially murky water in your bathtub, i.e. along the lines of don't eat the yellow snow.)

5. Don't wear contrasting colors or flashing objects.

(Yes, I know this rule sucks for all the ravers out there. Save it for the club.)

6. Avoid wading or swimming in offshore sloughs or channels, such as might occur between sandbars, and in waters that drop off steeply to greater depths.

(Honey, did you bring the sunblock and the ocean floor map?)

7. Never molest a shark of any kind, regardless of size.

(That's funny cause I heard Hammerhead sharks were totally into that kind of thing. What the worst that could happen? You could get your picture and address on a special web site… and that would suck cause you would never get another shark to go out with you.)

8. If you spot a shark Stay calm, as sudden movements may attract a shark.

(Define "sudden movements". Is there like a demonstation video or something I can watch like Red Highway in drivers ed?)

9. Swim calmly and rhythmically back to land or boat.

(Shit, I'm screwed. I'm a white girl with no rhythm."

10. Keep the shark in sight, particularly if you are swimming underwater. In most shark attacks, the victim didn't see the shark. Sharks seem to shy away from people who look directly at them.

(Make up your damn minds. Keep him in sight but don't let him "see" you watching him?)

11. If all else fails, try to look prepared to fight back.

("If all else fails"... I am now a red puddle in the ocean.)

I'm in Love

2007-08-19T18:38:00.000-07:00

First let me say that this is related to me pulling (or possibly tearing) a muscle in my butt.

I bet I have your attention now.

Get your mind out of the gutter.

I'm in love with the new curved shower curtain rod we bought this weekend. Since I couldn't do any of the things I wanted to (due to the sore ass), we went shopping and I had no idea bathroom accessories could give me such a warm fuzzy feeling. We bought the curved shower rod, new liner, new shower curtain, new fancy hooks with beads for easy rolling, and a fluffy new rug.

Now normally this would take several days to actually install/set up everything but while I iced my rear, Big Daddy got it all put in--get this--without my assistance, without swearing, without having to redo any part of it. And wait for it.... He actually read the directions.

Our shower now has 8" more horizontal clearance and that should make getting it on that much better cause the shower curtain won't be touching while we're loving.

Empty your pockets... Now!

2007-08-07T18:36:00.000-07:00

So I finally got to participate in the annual company skeet shoot. I was so excited I woke up early, like a kid on Christmas morning. Big Princess, Gym Buddy, and I went to the range the night before for a little last minute practice and to ensure the shotgun was truly repaired. I shot pretty well considering those two can't toss a pigeon by hand worth a crap.

So I drive three hours and get there right on time. The only problem is that when I have to get up at 4:30 am, pack, and hit the road at 6 am, I always hit Starbucks for a double latte. So I unload my gear and shelf my shotgun in the rack when I notice I have the "Starbuck's Shakes".

Crap! Maybe I can settle down before we get started in an hour. Then I notice that the ground every where is squishy. There is no dry ground anywhere. I get up there to take my three practice shots and all I can think of is "I'm gonna slip and go down with a shotgun loaded with three shells." I only manage to hit one of my three practice shots. I don't do much better during the first competition. Out of four shooters, I only make it to second.

All that practice and I cave under caffine and pressure.

The "Boys Club" wasn't being very generous with practice time after lunch and I got miffed and packed up. Wait, did I mention that it was 95 degrees and 128% humidity with no breeze what's so ever? I tend to get a little bitchy when I'm hot and sweating my ass off while standing in ankle deep muck. So at 2:30 pm I decided to go check into the hotel, clean up, rest up, put on dry clothes and return for dinner.

My second shower of the day was fabulous. It felt soooo gooood to be clean and dry. I put on my second outfit of the day and headed back to the function at 5:30 pm. Dinner was good. I won a very large canopy in the raffle, although I really wanted the shotgun, flat screened TV, ipod, digital camera, or humungous gas grill. We had some drinks and the service awards were given. Then twenty-two vehicles had to be pulled from the mud and everyone heads out for where ever they are going wet and covered in mud.

Its dark now and I head back to the hotel for shower number three and outfit number three. The 30 or so of us staying at the same hotel agree to meet at the pool for drinks and chit chat. We pull all the chairs around and spend a couple hours swapping lies and drinking. Some brave people even put on their swimsuits and get in the pool. (I have a rule about employees seeing me in my swimsuit--its not happening.) I'm standing by the pool when someone cannonballs and soaks me with pool water. Well its so humid that after an hour my shirt is still wet and I'm uncomfortable so I go back to my room and change into shirt number four, my last dry shirt.

I head back to the pool where the crowd has thinned to about ten people. I'm standing at the edge of the pool, chatting with the regional director about next year's management conference when suddenly I feel a hand grab my ankle. I look down and see one of the managers in the pool has a hold of my ankle and he's looking at the director. I turn my head to look at the manager when suddenly I'm dangling over the pool and the director shouts, "Empty your pockets.... Now! You're going in for all the times you've messed with us." (Come on, a couple of pranks, a remote controlled farting machine at a meeting, a fake dead rat in the hallway at a conference, and an inflatable sheep in one guys hotel room and I deserve this?)

"Wait!" I shout. "I've never done anything to either of you personnally," I tell them, stalling for time and trying to get my cell phone out of my pocket at the same time. Their admin. grabs the phone from my hand at the same time I become airborne. I come up sputtering for air and telling them "Thanks, I now have to drive home in my pajamas."

Everyone ends up in the pool, suit or no. Then, somehow, eight bags of What-a-Burger are delivered to the pool and we eat it all in the pool. Its finally decided to call it a night and I return to my room for shower number four and fall into bed at 3 am. I get up at 7 am and head home for another shower and a nap.

I'm already looking forward to next year. All I've got to say is "it's on, Southern Region. It's on."

Please Pass the Ammo

2007-08-03T04:36:00.000-07:00

I'm off in only a matter of hours to the company skeet shoot. I'm excited and nervous. I know I'm not as good as most but Lord, please don't let me embarass myself.

I get to go by myself. Yea! It's not that I don't want to spend time with my family. Its just that I want to focus on my business relationships and that's hard to do if I have whinning adolescents around me and Big Daddy is sitting like a petrified lump in the corner. I have a hard time focusing on multiple priorities.

Its like church. I love having Big Daddy beside me at church but then I feel obligated to be at his side instead of wandering around talking to other people. How does everyone else seem to balance this?

I really better figure it out fast. The church made me a deacon.

Yeah, yeah, I know. I've done my best to avoid this for years. I really didn't think it would happen. They only needed 4 people and 7 were nominated, all way more qualified than me. My back up plan was to have Big Princess start a smear campaign that I punch baby rabbits in the face. That made several people laugh and make hand gestures to me during the sermon like they were punching baby rabbits in the face.

Anyways, I'm off for a little R&R with my shotgun. Wish me luck.

"You Stink"

2007-08-02T18:21:00.000-07:00

I was a little blue... until yesterday. Its funny how one little thing can put you back on top.

I was sitting at the front desk while the receptionist was at lunch. Its a boring little job that everyone has a turn at, the phone doesn't ring much, everyone's at lunch, you just have to sit there. The VP walked by, turned around and came back.

"This is probably inappropriate but..."

"I'm sorry, what?"

"This is going to be totally inappropriate..."

"Oh, oh ok. Just so we're both on the same page."

"If there was a vote for the person in the company who smelled the best, you'd win. You always smell fantastic."

I giggled and I think I might have blushed as I thanked him.

I'm still trying to figure out what part of that was the healing medication to relieve my melancholy; the compliment, the giggle, or the blush.

Pardon My French

2007-07-31T19:24:00.000-07:00

My grandma's dead.

I almost didn't believe my aunt when she called me the day after my grandma died. Oh, yeah, sure she was old but I thought she'd live forever. I mean she was getting close to forever, she was pushing 91 years old but she didn't really look much more than maybe 79. And she only acted like she was about 50.

Grandma was gallivanting around the country, staying with family members til they pissed her off or she pissed them off (not really but kinda). She had left Florida, made a couple of stops to visit and was planning to stay in Maine for a while. Apparently she had a massive heart attack.

I saw her just a month ago in Indiana, almost by accident. I called my aunt to say we weren't going to be able to drive down to see her because Big Daddy's grandmother was ill and we had to rush to Nebraska and my aunt told me I was going to miss grandma by a week.

Then lo and behold, my grandma came to me. I really don't know if she changed her plans just to see us because it didn't matter to me. I got to see my grandma. My girls got to see their great-grandma (that title always seemed redundant, of course she was great). My husband got to witness a glimpse of what I may look/act like in my senior years.

Grandma was serious and silly, smart and naive, old but young, forgetful with a mind like a steel trap. She was generous with her love, her time, and her hugs. She could be stubborn and ungiving in her opinions. She was a lady that swore in French but only apologized when she swore in English.

Last month, we were all sitting around the kitchen table at my mom's house, me, the princesses, Big Daddy, an aunt and her friend, grandma, and my mom. I don't remember what set her off but grandma had a strong opinion and blurted out "That's just bullshit" and then glancing at little princess, added "Pardon my French." I had to call her on it. I looked at Big Princess, "I'm not sure but since you've had 4 years of French... Is 'bullshit' really French?" Grandma just busted up laughing.

Help, It's broken and I can't shoot crap!

2007-07-30T21:08:00.000-07:00

So it's T-minus 5 days until the big skeet shoot. I'm not a bad shot but I've never shot in front of a crowd. Heck, I've never shot in front of anybody but a couple of friends and family. Oh, and I've never shot skeet in a professional format. I'm a little nervous about looking like an idiot in front of, oh, 50 or more co-workers.

I call my workout buddy and see if he'll pull targets for me on Sunday afternoon. I pack up and head to the range. I take about 15 warm up shots, taking my time, calling for the targets, and hitting probably 12 of 15. I'm jazzed. I'll be fine. I give my buddy a turn and then I set up and load. We discuss the format, 30 birds in 60 seconds, 2 shooters, 15 shells apiece, can only load 2 at a time. After we work out the math, we realize I'll have to fire 2 rounds in 4 seconds, load 2 shells in 3 seconds to give me 1 second to aim for the next 2 rounds. Holy crap!

I give it a shot. This is way hard. I fumble with the shells, dropping some on the ground, taking too long to turn them the right way. I may have hit 1 bird out of 10 before I had to stop because I was totally worn out and breathing hard. I let my buddy try. Then the shotgun jammed. I was a little freaked because we couldn't get the live shell out of the chamber. I knew we weren't supposed to leave our lane with ammo in the gun. I sure as hell didn't want to drive home with a shell stuck in the chamber.

We managed to jimmy it out and tried again. Jammed. "Screw this, get it out and let's go home," I told him. We went back to my house and tore it down, cleaned it and put it back together. Buddy says, "Let's try loading it with the safety on and see if it still jams."

"Ahhh, not in the house dude. Let's take it out front." We go to the front yard and try to load it. It jams. We jimmy the shell out and try again. It jams. I realized this might look bad for my neighbors to see us standing in the front yard, loading and reloading my shotgun. "Let's call it a day. I'll have to take it to a gunsmith tomorrow. This sucks!"

I run up to the gun shop early this morning only to be told the turnaround time is 10 to 13 days. No good I tell them. I need it Friday. They say Ok and I ask if I can pick it up Thursday, close of business. "No, I meant Friday 3 pm." "But the event starts at 9 am Friday morning in a town 3 hours away from here." I'm told sorry but they are already rushing it for me.

I go back to the office and start calling every gun shop within 60 miles of town. I find one that says their turnaround time is just 3 days. Perfect, I'll have it back in time to attend on Friday. I just won't have any time to practice or test the gun.

So I head back to the gun shop around 3:30 pm to retrieve my shotgun and get it to the new gunsmith before they close at 5:30 pm. A guy asks if he can help me. "Yeah, I dropped my shotgun off this morning but I've located someone that can look at it right away. Can you get it for me." I hand him my claim ticket. He heads to the back and doesn't reappear for like 10 minutes.* I was starting to wonder where the hell my shotgun was when he comes out and lays it on the counter.

"It's done."

"Excuse me?"

"It's fixed."

"Are you SHITTING me?" I practically scream it at him.

"Ahhh, no ma'am... I'm not shitting you."

"It's FIXED? What was wrong? See I was going to have to cancel.. What happened? They told me 10 to 13 days this morning... I have a company skeet shoot on Friday and I wasn't going to be able to shoot... What did he find? It's fixed? Really?"

"Well, you must have impressed someone because its fixed. There's no charge, its still under warranty. He adjusted blah, blah, blah." (I quit listening after the "its free" part)

"It's fixed? There's no charge? I can shoot stuff? Thank you, thank you, thank you!"

I've got my baby back and time to blow stuff up before the big day (T-minus 4 days and counting).

*Of course I'm totally convinced that they fixed it during the 10 minute period that he was "looking" for it because they knew it was under warranty and didn't want to lose the money if I took it somewhere else.

Hang on folks, this is gonna be a bumpy ride.

2007-07-26T19:00:00.000-07:00

So I'm already beat from two days of traveling but I have to get up at 3:45 am to head to the airport for the first freakin flight of the day to Houston (the actual flight number is "freakinHOU") for a meeting at 8 am.

I climb into bed after Big Daddy finally rises for work at 10:30 pm. (I rarely ever go into the bedroom in the evening. That would be like him creeping around at 4 am when I get up at 6 am.) And what time did I wake up for the airport?

No, I didn't wake up late and miss my flight.

I wake up at 2:30 am and can't get back to sleep!!!! (!!!!!!!!!!)

I putter about until its time to wake Big Princess at 4:15 am to drive me to the airport (cause I'm too cheap to pay $18/day for parking... and I refuse to drag my luggage the 5 miles between the parking lot and the terminal when I can force her to chauffer me).

We sit on the plane for an hour with electrical problems. I've consumed $32.77 worth of Starbuck's coffee and I refuse to crawl over everyone to pee on the plane but my leg is jumping like Mexican Jumping Beans. We finally take off and no sooner than we get in the air, the sky turns dark and its raining hard enough to raise zombies from their graves. The plane starts bouncing like crazy and the captain semi-shouts over the intercom for the wait staff, sorry, I mean flight attendents to sit down and buckle up. At one point we fall like 40 feet out of the sky and I yipe like a dog that's been kicked in the ribs. I'm starting to feel at little queasy and wonder if I've got a barf bag in my seat pocket. I look out my window to take my mind off my full bladder and bubbling stomach acid. I'm not sure if lightening struck the wing tip or just nearby but I'm blind for 3 minutes and during this time wonder if I will die blind in a puddle of vomit with pee pants.

We finally land in the land of stinky-water-vapor-for-air. I spend all day in a conference where it is so cold my nipples still hurt some 6 hours later. My boss then dumps me back at the airport at 3:15 pm, too late to catch the 3:30 back home. I check in and WHOA, I'm upgraded to Elite Status, thereby granting me the short line thru body cavity search security, the priviledge of sitting in the emergency exit row without paying my only good kidney for the extra 6 inches of leg room and allowing me to board prior to babies and old people in wheelchairs. I'm not sure what I've done to deserve this but finally, I'm going to travel in luxury. The down side? The next flight doesn't leave for 3 hours. Time to locate the closest alcohol depot to my gate.

As I'm walking the 22.5 miles to my gate, I pass the gate where the 3:30 flight home leaves from and I see the flight has been delayed until 4:30. Hmmmm, I wonder if it has any seats available. No harm in just checking, right?

I hear the two people ahead of me ask the very same thing. Oh, did I mention that the sky is black and its raining zombies? I ask the lady behind the counter if there's room for one more and she says, "Nope but you can probably get on... you'll have to go standby but with the weather, there should be seats available due to missed connections."

I take a seat and cross my fingers. My boss calls to tell me that if I run into problems, I should feel free to rent a car (one-way) and drive home or I can get a hotel and fly out tomorrow. Look, I'm too cheap to spend $18 of the company's money for one day's parking. I'd sleep in the terminal before taking either of those options. He suggests that I round up everyone headed the same direction that doesn't make the "standby cut" and charge them to ride home with me, thereby, possibly, making a profit. "Oh, like the company doesn't make enough money, now I'm supposed to pimp myself out to wayward travellers to cover the cost of a one-way rental car?"

I have to send the evil eye to the guy next to me who's crossing his fingers that his buddy's flight will arrive in time for him to make this flight. Its a race against time. "Please let this flight board before the guy can run the 26 mile marathon between terminals." I am the second to last person allowed to get onboard. The guy with the curse of the evil eye looks up when I bash him in the head with my laptop case as I come down the isle. "Hey, you made it. Congratulations."

Its another bumpy flight home. Wait, did I mention that the sky is blacker than black and its raining dead zombies? It wasn't as tramatic as the trip there but we did (seriously) bounce back into the air 3 times on the runway when we landed.

I promptly called my chauffer and demanded that she "get me the hell out of here."

I've Never Heard of this Happening to Anyone Else

2007-07-25T15:36:00.000-07:00

I took Big Princess with me on a business trip to the coast for a little Mother-Daughter R&R. We stopped at a couple of offices before reaching the coast but we still couldn't check into our hotel for 3 hours.

What to do? Go to the beach?

We really didn't want to check into the hotel all dripping ocean water on the lobby floor so we decided to shop. And we shopped til we dropped. I bought boots, a purse, a dress for an upcoming wedding, earrings, headband, scarf, and a shirt. Big Princess bought me a bumper sticker that says "No I don't have a license to kill but I do have a learner's permit." I absolutely love it!!!

We had lunch at a lovely place on the beach. Finally checked into the hotel and spent some time at the beach and the hotel pool. After cleaning up, we met Big Princess' friend from college, Buddha Girl, for dinner. We had a great time and laughed so much I'm surprised I didn't pull a muscle. We ran to the grocery store after dinner for dental floss and encountered a man pushing his SUV and having his child steer. So we all three jumped out and told him to steer while we pushed. We must have been a sight, wearing shorts, a mini skirt, and Capri's. After getting his vehicle to a safe place, we ensured he had help coming before continuing our quest for dental floss.

The next morning I got up at 5:30 am and headed to the office for a meeting. Big Princess was going to stay behind and sleep. I finished up at the office and promised to return and take them to lunch before we headed home. I truck 20 minutes back to the hotel and call Big Princess to make sure she's up and packed. After I get to the room and start the process of dragging our 15 bags to the car, Big Princess says, "I have to poop, should I do it now before we leave?" Not wanting my coworkers to have to stand around and wait for her to take care of business at the office, I tell her "yeah, its a good idea to take care of that now." (What child asks you if its a good time to poop?)

She comes out of the bathroom looking a little afraid.

"What's wrong?"

"It won't flush."

"Lift the lid on the tank. Is there water in the tank?"

"No"

"Is it filling at all?"

"Yeah, real slow."

Ok, at this point I don't want to leave the room with a big log floating so I hand her the coffee pot and I grab the ice bucket. "Let's fill these and dump them in the tank to hurry the process." We fill it up and I tell her to "give it a try."

Success!!

"Great, hand me the coffee pot and put the lid back on the tank."

As I'm putting the stuff back I hear a crash, water flowing, Big Princess yelling "oh no, oh no."

"Tell me you didn't drop the lid and break it?"

"I dropped the lid in the tank and the bottom of the tank broke and fell on the floor," she yells as she tries to mop the flowing water with towels.

"Oh my god, you're kidding?" But as I look in the bathroom, I can see the broken porcelain on the floor amid the flowing water.

"Quick, reach down here and turn the water off."

"Which way?"

"Righty tighty, lefty Lucy. Let's get the hell out of here."

I'm Gonna Do It--Really!

2007-07-20T07:47:00.000-07:00

After taking the older girls to the Tattoo Expo, I've come to the conclusion that I should do it. I looked all thru the books at the expo and couldn't find the "Man in the Moon" I had in mind. I googled and I googled but I couldn't find exactly what I want. I had a picture of the moon from the nursey rhyme "The Cow Jumped Over the Moon" in my head. Big Princess drew me this.

This could be "the" one (maybe minus the hat).

One Bad Ass Cat and One Cool Cat

2007-07-19T19:41:00.001-07:00

Cali and Big Princess hangin' in the hood, watching the tube-izzle.

The "Nothing" List

2007-07-16T06:41:00.000-07:00

"So what did you do this weekend?"

"Nothing."

I discovered that most people can't name 2 things they did over the weekend. They looked forward to the weekend for 5 days but come Monday, its like a vacuum and they have no idea how they spent their time.

Nothing ever happens. No, really... "Nothing" ever happens. Unless you spent the weekend in a coma, something happened.

My "Nothing" List from this Weekend:
Assembled a chaise lounge for the bedroom.
I worked out at the gym, twice.
Grocery shopped, twice.
Loved my man, twice.
Watched a movie with Big Princess.
Checked & answered work email.
Watched a documentary with little princess where an Egyptian Queen's name was finally discovered after 3,500 yrs.
I worshipped God.
Attended a wedding shower.
I took a nap.
Went to the tattoo expo with Big Princess & Adopted Princess.
I had pie with friends.
I made meatloaf.
Spread grass seed.
Sold 3 kittens to a woman from California.
I attempted to learn how to hula hoop from little princess.

Don't miss the details. Don't gloss over your life. That's what life is... details.

"So what did you do this life?"

"Hold on, let me grab my list."

Say it isn't so...

2007-07-11T09:12:00.000-07:00

I get out of my car last night about 7 pm and I see 3 plastic grocery bags on the front porch... covered in flies. "Ick", I think to myself. "Wonder what that's all about."

As I approach the front door, the smell clues me in to what's in the bags. Poo! I pick up the bags and deposit them in the trash can, all the while wondering who or what is responsible for the contents.

Upon entering the house, all doubt of the contents of the bags was removed. If the smell hadn't clued me in, the various towels and wet spots confirmed my hypothsis. I proceded to the bedroom to see if Big Daddy was awake and wanted to tell me anything.

"Oh, hi. You are awake. Any chance Davie wasn't involved in whatever happened out there?" I ask him while pointing my thumb over my should in the direction of the rest of the house.

Big Daddy replies in a weary tone, "I'd like to tell you he's innocent but unfortunately, that's not the case."

"What the hell happened?" I groan while kicking off my shoes.

"He pooped, he peed and he vomitted."

"What?"

"Normally little princess is here and let's him out about 4 pm. I guess he couldn't hold it."

"He couldn't hold his vomit? Did he eat something bad or something he shouldn't have?"

"Here's what I think happened: Davie had to pee and when he could no longer hold it, he peed on the kitchen tile. He knew he was wrong and he began to pace. Back and forth, working himself up with dread. On one of his paces, his nervous bowels gave out and he crapped, not once but a semi runny pile across the carpet in the living room. Now he's freaking out, knowing he's in bbbiiiggg t r o u b l e!!! He's just standing there in the middle of the living room, looking at the mess when the bile in his throat starts to bubble up and he vomits the contents of his stomach."

"Ok, I'm with you. Then what happened?" I ask Big Daddy.

"Well, with the contents of his bladder and stomach relieved, he begins to feel much better so he lays down and takes a nap. The End."

"Did you kill him and bury him in the backyard?"

"I thought about it..."

Is it just me?

2007-07-09T10:25:00.000-07:00

Have you ever, just absolutely, positively, just have to...cut your hair at work?

Maybe its the humidity, or maybe my hairspray just failed me. Either way, after sitting thru lunch with 3 co-workers and feeling like a sheep dog peering out thru my bangs, I went to the bathroom and gave myself a trim.

Now I'm itchy and feel like I'm covered in hair. That's what happens when you don't have the right tools for the job. Am I right guys or what? Can I get an Amen?

Labeled for your convenience

2007-07-03T20:58:00.000-07:00

I received my first batch of artwork from Jelly Bean. I promised I'd put it on the fridge and send her a picture of the fridge. But you know, I'm betting she's smart enough to just get on the computer and view it here. She is, after all, 6 years old.

Funniest Thing I Said Outloud Today

2007-07-02T19:34:00.000-07:00

Ten of us took a co-worker to lunch for her birthday today. We started discussing our semi-hostile take over of the 2nd floor in our building. We have the entire 4th floor and 80% of the 3rd floor. We just can't get Toyota to get out so we have resorted to infiltrating the 2nd floor.

This led to a discuss of why don't we just build our own building or just move to a building of our own. This led to talk of locations. Land is cheap on the outskirts on the west side of town but that would create long commutes for most of the employees. The someone had the brilliant idea that we should move to one of the buildings on the more centraly located Loop 410. I began to hyperventilate at the mere mention of only the worst traffic nightmare outside of Chicago.

"I'd rather get a hot sauce enema every day than have to commute on Loop 410."

There was some choking amongst the group and one person said shrimp shot out her nose. I just wanted to make sure they knew I had strong opinions on the matter.

Stalked by an Angel

2007-07-01T18:37:00.000-07:00

Big Daddy has always been afraid that someone will stalk me because of my blogging. He asked me not to use names or identifying photos in an effort to thwart would be stalkers. He has also always been convinced that weirdos are lurking around every corner just waiting to steal the princesses. (I've always said that anyone stupid enough to take the princesses would promptly return them after a few minutes of them whining, bickering, farting, and begging for additional TV time.)

Well, finally after several years, I've had the pleasure of meeting my first stalker and he is totally adorable. We took him to dinner and bought him beer and Mexican food. We brought him home and let him play with the kittens. We even let him follow us to church and worshipped with him. Afterwards, we led him down a spider laden path and left him at the end. As a finale we feed him "What-A-Burger" and pointed him in the direction of the Alamo.

For his part, he was like the Uncle we hadn't seen in years. He entertained us, laughed at our silliness, charmed the princesses and made us want to be not forgetful to entertain strangers: for thereby some have entertained angels unawares. Hebrews 13:2

On The Road Again

2007-06-27T23:42:00.000-07:00

No, its not another family vacation... thank God. I'm in the field, as we call it at work, three hours from home. I spent the day in a small office training people. I enjoy going to the field. I enjoy training. I enjoy people.

The people in the field start their day much early and they're off much earlier than I'm used to in the corporate world. At 3:30 pm, they kicked me out. Me. Out.

I'm used to working til atleast 5 pm, then some gym time or shopping, maybe a meeting. I'm rarely home before 6:30 pm. Then I make dinner (ocassionally), do my chores (feed the kittens, read the mail, talk to the bird, etc), and get ready for work the next day.

Today I was free and clear at 3:30 pm. 3:30 pm people, do you hear me. And in a little bitty town where shopping consists of Wal-Mart. What to do?

I do have several friends in the area who usually join me for dinner or drinks. I started calling. They all knew I would be in town today. Meetings to attend, family obligations to see to, projects that couldn't be postponed, sudden out of town travel and one "I'm just too tired."

My paranoia sets in and I begin to weave a story that no one wants to hang out with me. "What did I do? Did I say something? Tell an off color joke? Do I smell! Just tell damnit! I can take it. Wait, no I can't."

Well, tomorrow I head an hour north for a Safety Meeting that starts at 8 am, then 2.5 hours northwest for a meeting and then 3.5 hours home. It will be a long day with lots of driving but atleast I'll have good company... me.

Peeing Your Pants for Fun and Profit

2007-06-25T07:57:00.000-07:00

I was at a Safety Meeting in the tiny town of Edna. I would be speaking about Operator Qualifications to the field guys and area managers. Apparently everyone wants some of these guys time. Two corporate guys show up to discuss some of their issues with everyone too. Now these two are known for their ability to talk. If you are unlucky enough to be in a meeting with them, you'd better block out the rest of the day... cause they can talk forever.

So the safety meeting is about an hour, I get like 20 min., one of them delivers his speal over the next hour and finally Scooter starts.

It goes on and on. Its 30 min. past lunch time. My stomach is growling and my head is starting to spin but he continues spewing words. Then, he says the words that will forever cause me to pee my pants...

"Ya'll need to utilize the Measurement Dept. They're a wealth of knowledge and resources. I know when I'm here I like to milk Leonard."

I fell out of my chair laughing.

No one else even cracked a smile. I don't know if they were in a coma from listening to all of us pontificate on stuff they don't care that much about but that was the funniest shit I've ever heard.

So I go home that night and relate the story to the princesses and I get the giggles all over again. Later that same night I go into the kitchen and on the large dry erase board on the wall I find:

I procede to pee my pants for about the 3rd time that day.

Quit Taking Yourself So Seriously... seriously.

2007-06-20T07:17:00.000-07:00

1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? yes, after my grandmother, she died when my mom was 10 yrs old.

2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? Its been awhile, maybe 9 months ago.

3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? Its never been good, I usually print.

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT? Turkey with avocado and sprouts on whole wheat.

5. WHAT COLOR ARE YOUR FINGER OR TOE NAILS? Electric green toe nails (my niece picked it out for me)

6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? Totally, I'm lot's of fun.

7. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT? Duh, no... wait, yes.

8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? Yes, I like to call them Bob and Todd.

9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? No, I have no desire to pee my pants.

10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL? I'm not fond of cold cereal but I do like oatmeal.

11. DO YOU UN-TIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? Not unless I have to, the cats will untie them for me later.

12. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? Heck yeah, I'm a super hero in my spare time.

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM? Vanilla with coffee being a close 2nd.

14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE? How they hold themselves, confident or wall flower.

15. RED OR PINK? Sky Blue Pink, I'm a girly super hero.

16. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? My inability to hide my emotions. You can read my face easily.

17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? My dad and my uncle Vin but I'll see them again when we all meet up in the fun part of Heaven.

18. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO SEND THIS BACK TO YOU? What I really want is everyone to send me $1.

19. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? Jeans and fabulous, new, bought them on vacation for an incredible low price, black sandals.

20. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE? Protein breakfast bar, chocolate peppermint stick.

21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? ipod, Meatloaf "Two outta Three Ain't Bad

22. IF YOU WHERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? Nude

23. FAVORITE SMELLS? Hay, leather, tobacco - reminds me of hanging out in the barn and good looking cowboys.

24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? Davie, my dog (well, he thinks he's a person)

25. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU? Absolutely, I wish I got to talk to her every day and see her more often than I do cause she rocks.

26. HOBBIES? 7th grade homework, fighting crime, crocheting

27. HAIR COLOR? Somewhat Blonde

28. EYE COLOR? Blue , green or grey depending on what color my shirt is.

29. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? Yes, special super hero contacts that let me see if someone has clean underwear on.

30. FAVORITE FOOD? All food that doesn't bite me back.

31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS? I love comedies cause I always want more laughter in my life.

32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? Over the Hedge with my 6 yr old niece and my daughters. I'm not sure who laughed more, me or them.

33. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? military green babydoll.

34. SUMMER OR WINTER? Fall cause its not too hot, not too cold and has my birthday in it.

35. HUGS OR KISSES? Hugs from friends, kisses from my man.

36. FAVORITE DESSERT? All dessert is my favorite.

37. MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND? Which of you are most likely to send me $1?

38. LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND? Who cares, you are starting to bore me.

39. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW? None, cause I'm pretty sure Cosmo isn't a book.

40. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? Water ripples

41. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON T.V. LAST NIGHT? Rad Girls with my rad girls.

42. FAVORITE SOUND? When someone's baby stops crying in public and everyone sighs in relief.

43. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES? Like them both about the same and how dare you make me pick. Why don't you just ask me which daughter I love more? (Its you, honey.)

44. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME? Home is where your heart is and I like to take my heart with me.

45. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT? My girls say its my ability to start a conversation with anyone, anywhere, on any topic and come off sounding like I've known them for years and I know what I'm talking about. I think my special talent is my Nascar-like driving skills.

46. WHERE WERE YOU BORN? Cornfields of Indiana

Now wasn't that fun?

Back to Normal Insanity

2007-06-19T07:41:00.000-07:00

We are home... at last. And everyone is alive... still.

I didn't have access to a computer built after 1984 for the rest of the trip, but on the up side, neither did I have to sleep in any more bunk beds either.

Cuyahoga Falls:
We went to the Rock N Roll Hall of Fame and who knew you'd have to spend 12 hrs reading to be able to enjoy it. After 6 hrs, little princess says "I'm all rocked out, can we go?"

Nephew wasn't bad like I was led to believe. In fact he was cute and both kids were pretty well behaved. Best news, we got the king bed and my sis-inlaw/husband took the sofa. They are now our sole beneficiaries and get everything when we die.

Indiana:
Big Daddy and I slept in the basement on a combo pullout sofa/air mattress. The girls had the guest room upstairs. My mom's husband (henceforth referred to as "Ahole") performed just as I thought he would. He waits to find one of us alone and then bitches about something we have done to personally ruin his life by visiting.

Day trip to the Dunes at Lake Michigan was lovely. I enjoyed showing the princesses something from my childhood that I actually enjoyed. My brother brought his new girlfriend and her daughter with us. (He says she's not his girlfriend but she lives with him and provides no income. I call that a live-in hooker.) The water was only 58 degrees but the beach was hot. Big Princess managed to lock herself in a changing room and I had to get a park ranger to come in the women's room and bust her out.

Day trip to Chicago to see the Museum of Science and Industry. Cool stuff. We took the extended tour and played CSI. Then off to see the Cubs at Wrigley field. Parking was $40-$25 and some of the people trying to sell parking looked like they might not have had the authority to do so and were just taking people's money. We enjoyed the classic baseball game; hot dogs, foam finger, hats, pizza, nachos, beer, peanuts, cotton candy. Then it happened, CUBS WIN, CUBS WIN! For a Cubs fan at his first Wrigley game, it doesn't get better than that. I think I saw a tear in Big Daddy's eye before he splashed his face with beer to hide the fact that he was all choked up.

Then off to see Big Daddy's grandparents in Omaha. We received word that grandma was just diagnosed with lung cancer and we needed to get there. Physically she looked good but mentally she was fading fast. (I understand this has been over the course of the last year.) She asked us like 80 times if we wanted a pop (soft drink). She also had false memories of Big Daddy going places as a kid with them. He gently tried to tell her that she must be thinking of someone else as he had never been there.

And for the grand finale we drove 17 hrs straight home. I called the milkman, who watched the pets/house for us to let him know we were home and he apologized for the mess. He had planned to come over before we got home and clean up. Apparently the cats were playing Lord of the Flies and had taken over the house, creating all kinds of mess.

I got up the next morning and went to work. My boss said, "I thought you would take today off."

I think I've had enough family, thanks.

I'd like some cheese with my whine.

2007-06-08T07:26:00.000-07:00

So yesterday Big Daddy seemed to wake up in a pissy mood. I later found out it was just towards me and he spent the whole day not talking to me.

I asked his sister what exit the WalMart was at and she said about 40 miles west at Bridge Street. "Why?"

"Oh I just need to get a couple of things."

"Like what?"

"Ice, stuff for the road."

"Like what?"

"Ummm, just stuff."

What the hell? Who cares what I want. I just want to go to WalMart without the 3rd degree.

We've caused a new water shortage all on our own. The cistern is down to 750 gallons. We've used 1,250 gallons in 6 days. The cistern of 2,000 gallons should last them about a month. So no one showered yesterday. We all put on our swimsuits after lunch, piled into two cars, and headed 40 miles in to town to the community pool. I brought soap, shampoo, and a razor, figuring we could wash up after swimming.

We get there and it looks really nice, high drive board, spiral slide, blue water. But why are there no people at the pool? Its like 93 degrees, blistering by midwest standards. Low and behold, it doesn't open until this weekend. So I figure we are headed back to the house but no, they stop at WalMart. I have to put my foot down. I am NOT shopping at WalMart in my swimsuit! "Didn't you bring clothes to change into?" I did but the shorts will not fit over my swim skirt.

On the upside, we leave today.

I'll miss the birds. Five feet from where I have my morning coffee, I watch woodpeckers of various sizes and colors, walk vertically up trees. Blue Jays, Cardinals, Red-headed Nuthatches, Yellow Finches, Robins (I haven't seen a Red Breasted Robin in San Antonio in 15 yrs.) and various other birds of color eat from bird feeders.

Last night at 9:30 pm EST it was still light out. Not mid-day light but still light enough to see everything clearly. I watched lightening bugs put on a mini fireworks show. I woke up this morning at 6:30 am and the sun was fully up. Now that's a lot of day light hours.

I'll miss my little 7 yr. old niece, Jelly Bean. She is just too cute and living way out in the boondocks, has no playmates. She just loved having us here. I went to her room yesterday afternoon and played Barbies. Before long the 2 princesses joined us in the 3 foot pile of barbies and accessories. Jelly Bean was in heaven. She has promised to draw and send me pictures. In return, I promised to put them on my refrigerator and send her a picture of my fridge. I haven't seen Jelly Bean since she was an infant with with one side of her head being flat. Her head has rounded out nicely in the last 6 yrs. and she is beautiful. (I had my doubts 6 yrs. ago.)

Favorite thing she's said this week:

Her mother asked her if she'd brushed her hair and Jelly Bean just stood there looking at her. "Jelly Bean, I told you to go brush your hair and you went in the bathroom and just fooled around. Didn't you?"

Jelly Bean cocked her head to the side and said, "I don't understand what you mean?"

Well, we've been given the green light to wipe out the remaining 500 gallons of water by showering before we leave today at noon for little sister's house. Oh goody, now I get to hang with my 2 yr. old nephew, who has been described as spoiled, a pain, and loud. Next vacation just book me a room at a local mental health facility with good access to drugs.

In case you thought I was joking...

2007-06-06T20:28:00.000-07:00

View from the front door looking left.

View from the front door looking right.

There is about 5 foot of lawn behind the house before it climbs up at a 45 degree angle and is densely covered with trees.

Wait, I think I forgot to mention...

2007-06-06T20:07:00.000-07:00

Fact #1
We had no water for the first three days here. We had to fetch buckets of water from the rain barrels to be able to flush the toilets. Little princess is constipated because she's afraid to poop. They called the plumber and of course he was 8+ hrs late but after a couple of hours watching him crawl around under the house, we now have water. This is good because there were 11 stinky people here and the 15 foot pile of dirty laundry was threatening to walk to town.

Fact #2
Big Daddy and I are sleeping on bunkbeds. Yes, bunkbeds. Little princess is sharing a top bunk with her 7 yr. old cousin and Big Princess is sleeping on an air matress that is flat every morning. We may be the youngest people in this house but each morning as we try to mobilize we look worse than the residents of a nusing home.

Fact #3
There is nothing to do here. The girls and I have given each other pedicures, filed off the callus' on our feet, done manicures, facials and masks. We drove the 45 min. to town and shopped the thrift stores. Big Princess did find a Pop Up Video board game for $1 and 2 wigs for $2 each. We were going to go to a state park today that featured a train and waterfalls but the internet has been down for 24+ hours and our family couldn't remember how to get there. We do however, eat... all the time. I may gain 15 lbs. over the 6 days we're here. Tomorrow is our last full day and the big thing on the agenda is going to the pool (which I have yet to see) and taking grandma to get an orange rose bush. Yee haw!

Then we're off for a weekend in Columbus with Big Daddy's little sister, her football coach husband, her 6 yr. old daughter and 2 yr. old son. I see at least a couple of stories coming from this visit.

Fact #4
At least little sister is letting us sleep in their king size bed and they'll take the pull out sofa. I didn't bother to ask about where the girls will sleep. Who cares? I'll be in a real bed.

Hush Money

2007-06-04T08:30:00.000-07:00

Well, it was stressful to get out of the office for vacation. The closer it got, the more I realized needed to be done. But we made it out of town Friday about noon and all the way to Hope, AR the first night. Day 2 was Elizabeth, KY and that only left 4 hrs of driving on Sunday to reach Ohio.

I decided to pay the girls $5 each per day if they didn't make me swear at them. They are calling it hush money and the promise of $100 each is making them play nice. Big Daddy and I, on the other hand, have not earned our $5 a day. His driving is driving me crazy, tailgating, excessive swerving, can't stay in his lane. He says, "Do you really think your driving is any better?" Well, I don't think I made you pee your pants when I was driving, now did I?

We show up during Brother-in-law's retirement (from the Navy) party. Great, we know no one, we're tired, and hungry. A one point, I look over at Big Princess and mouth the words, "kill me now." She replies,"No, me first." There really isn't much to do here besides visit with the family. When we get to Indiana we have buttloads of fun things planned, Chicago Cubs game, day trip to Lake Michigan Dunes, shopping in Amish country.

But for now we are forced to relax and do "nothing" and it ain't easy.

"That" Will Not Stop My Pain

2007-05-25T17:30:00.000-07:00

I don't answer the house phone. Why would I? Its not for me. Little princess owns that number. So sometimes it rings and rings. Lately, Big Princess has been answering it and pretending to be little princess to lp's friends.

There have been a lot of junk calls lately and Big Princess was getting fed up when the phone rang again. All I hear is "She's dead." I ask Big Princess why she would say that to little princess' friends and she said, "no it was just a telemarketer."

Yesterday, I get the following letter in the mail:

Dear Survey Household:
We're sorry if we upset you with our recent telephone call. We only want to ask you about your opinions on Radio listening, Newspaper reading and TV viewing.
Enclosed we have included a small gift to express our regret for having disturbed you. We want you to know that your participation 'is very important. The answers of someone in your household will represent thousands of people who were not invited to do the survey. We will try calling again. Perhaps our timing will be better!

People, I'm dead. I don't think the timing of your call will change that.

And what might their small gift be:

It wasn't even a new dollar bill. It was old and wrinkled.

Surely invented by men

2007-05-16T07:50:00.000-07:00

I saw this product and just thought "why?" Maybe its just me but I've never had any problems/injuries while grooming that lead me to look for "safety gear". And I sure there are a few women who dye their pubic hair to match their "natural blonde" hair... but come on, how many? My fear of embarrassment would be that someone would see this product in my bathroom. Lastly, thank god for easy pull tabs. I know I'd hate to think of the alternative method of removal.

If you have ever injured yourself while removing or dying pubic hair, or you just don't ever want such an awful experience and would prefer some protection the Bikini Line Genie® was invented by a woman who knows this dilemma and has found a way to avoid sensitive area injuries by providing a contour fitting protective shield with an easy to reach tab for convenience and cleanliness. This simple yet effective device, when properly fitted, offers not only protection; it is extremely comfortable and simple to use, easy to follow instructions. Bikini Line Genie can be worn with no fear of embarrassment.

It works by tucking between your labia majora to cover your more sensitive labia minora, clitoris and blocks off the vaginal opening so no foreign materials may enter; now you may perform your personal grooming safely. The Bikini Line Genie has a convenient tab for easy removal and disposal. The illustrated instructions that come in every box will help guide you step by step so you can “Go Bare Without a Care".

It doesn't get any better

2007-05-14T18:25:00.000-07:00

Mother's Day, or as I like to call it, Mother's Weekend.

I kicked off the celebration of Me on Friday night with dinner at Alamo Cafe (only one of the best places to hang out, eat Mexican food, and drink margaritas in the world). It was the complete and total family, me, Big Daddy, little princess, Big Princess, and Adopted Princess. We secure one of the best places in the joint, the backyard patio. Our waiter dropped by to take our drink orders and I asked, "What's your favorite margarita?" (and yes, they do come in flavors other than lime.) I still had my head buried in my menu as I hear Big Princess go, "ahhh, purple?" She thought I was going to let her order a margarita! ha ha ha

Saturday I got the minivan ready for vacation, new tires, state inspection sticker, oil change, mini tune up. Then I picked up Big Princess and shopped for stuff I don't need. I told Big Princess that Big Daddy would be pissed if I bought any more shoes but I knew she needed some so I was going to try to resist the urge by only looking at shoes in her size (approx. 2 sizes larger than mine). No good, no good. I found a pair of white, wedge sandals that lace up your ankles (just like the black pair I bought last week). On Sale! Oh well, Big Daddy thinks my black sandals are smoking hot so he probably won't mind a pair in white.

The youth made tacos for Moms on Sunday. Nothing says "I Love You" like tacos before church. Afterwards I took my ipod that had crapped out the night before back to Best Buy. The girl behind the counter was like "Ok, go pick out a new one." Shazam, new ipod! Then more shopping with the princess' and home for a nap. That night, Survivor Finale, Hagendaz coffee ice cream, and a foot rub with lotion.

Ahhh, I love being celebrated!

By little princess

2007-05-13T17:29:00.000-07:00

A POEM FOR MY MOMMA

Yo Mamma's Day.
It's like a day for yo momma.
Don't give her no drama.
Let her wear her pajamas
while you watch a cartoon-o-rama.
So let momma enjoy her flowers and candy.
Let that peace and quiet come in handy,
And yo Momma's Day will be just dandy.

Sad and Sick or Sick and Sad

2007-05-10T22:55:00.000-07:00

I came down with a nasty head cold on Sunday at the tail end of me and Big Daddy's "Adult Slumber Party". We ditched the kids and spent the weekend in a dreamy place where we were called by our first names, ate adult food and drank adult beverages. Where we cuddled mid-day without anyone making vomitting noises in the background.

But anyway... I've been hit hard. I came home early Monday, stayed home Tuesday, came to work drugged to the hilt Wednesday, and today I'm just trying to hold on to my sanity with both hands while my head throbbs, yellow mucus pours from my red, raw nose, and I hold the ovary that I coughed up in my left hand.

What's the first thing that happens today? I get an employee termination notice from the HR Director. Hmmm, that's odd. Her staff normally email me the terminations. I open it to see that one of my best friends has been "terminated as of late last night". Holy fucking shit. The one day I didn't talk to him in the last 2 months and he's fired.

Wait... terminated as of late last night? I'm notified by the HR Director? Oh, this is beyond bad.

I call his cell phone and its acting funny, not ringing. I call his home phone and its been disconnected. I'm a little freaked out at this point. I ponder who I can call for information that will: A. have the correct info (not the 50 rumors that are already rampant) and B. will feel comfortable giving me the info, and C. won't get in trouble for telling me.

Only a couple of people that meet all the criteria come to mind. I call one and tell him "hey, I understand if you can't talk about it... but what the fuck happened?" That's all I had to say, he knew exactly what I was talking about. He gave me a brief run down before someone walked into his office and he couldn't talk any more. Let's just say a drunk CEO fired my extremely drunk friend at an after hours function.

That's just bad juju ma gumbo.

My friend finally calls me at 3 pm. He tells me his side of the story and I inquire if there is any way to put this right. He said no, it was beyond repair. He's a proud guy and I didn't think he'd beg for his job. He's worked here for 20 years and now its all gone.

I'm just so very, very sad.

Hoff the wagon

2007-05-04T12:49:00.000-07:00

Oh how it hurts to watch the video of David Hasselhoff drunk and rolling around the hotel floor while trying to eat a hamburger. The former 'Baywatch' star claims to be a recovering alcoholic and other times he says he doesn't have a problem. Come on, you look like shit. I can smell you through the TV. How could you let your daughter see you like that? Pull it together man.

How I enjoyed Knight Rider as a kid. The Hoff always won the day. (or was it the night?) He was more mature during the Baywatch years but still winning at the end of the (swimsuit) season. I even get a kick out of him now. Like when he sang "Jump in my Car" on America's Got Talent... No wait, I didn't watch America's Got Talent... I don't even know what America's Got Talent is...

But back to the video

I understand the pain and loneliness of divorce (even though I haven't been divorced). My mother's been divorced five times so I've got plenty of experience. I've also seen several of my friends try to drink away the empty feelings. They have all eventually made it out of the dark with help and support from family and friends. I hope the Hoff does too.

No matter how painful it is for me to watch, I can only imagine how hard it must be for his daughters to live through.

I'm bringing sexy back

2007-05-02T23:37:00.000-07:00

So I'm at the gym, running on the treadmill next to my workout buddy, the Milkman. Now the treadmills are on a 2nd floor balcony that overlooks the free weight area.

We're running along and I'm telling him stories about crazy crap my co-workers do, like letting their ass cracks show at work--on purpose. Suddenly, we hear a high pitched, but definitely male, shriek. I start giggling. Without missing a beat, the Milkman says, "that's the sound you make when one of your testicles gets sucked up into your body."

BAM!! I bust up laughing, miss my step, lose my footing, and whoopsie, fall face first on to the treadmill which proceeds to kick me to the curb. Apparently you are supposed to put your hands down when you fall and I end up skinning my nose. I'm laying on the floor, holding my face, and laughing so hard I pee my pants (just a little).

Dr. Feel Good

2007-05-01T22:08:00.000-07:00

My hip is bothering me. Giving birth to Big Princess ruined my young supple body. My hips didn't spread during pregnancy like they should have. Now 20 years later I still suffer occassionally from a nerve that gets trapped in the hip socket. So I'm just walking along and BAM, severe pain, can't bear weight, drag leg behind me, etc. I held out about 4 days thinking it would get better on its on but no luck. I called my smokin hot chiropractor and got an appointment in 45 min.

I walked in and complete my paperwork. The nurse? says the doctor will have to re-evaluate since I haven't been seen in the last 6+ months. (He fixed a rotator cuff problem about a year ago.) I'm like, sue me for feeling good. They take me back to the exam room and I sit there waiting for the good (looking) doctor to see me.

He walks in and does a double take.

"You've lost weight since I've seen you."

"A little", I confess.

"A little? Wow, you look great."

Now I'm just smiling.... thru the pain.

He examines me, asks some questions, and proclaims my right leg is shorter than the left. "Oh, goody." He says some ice and electric shock therapy will warm up the muscles before he adjusts me. So I lay face down for 20 minutes with ice on my back and pads on my butt cheeks, shocking me and causing my cheeks to involuntarily clench up.

Then, on to traction. He has me lay face up on a table and stretches my "short" leg. It only goes to about 35 degrees in the air before I black out from the pain. He twists and stretches it around and around, seemingly looking for the point I bite his hand off in pain.

He then comes around the other side to torture my "longer" leg. He lifts it straight up and tells me to tell him when it hurts. He gets it to about 145 degrees when I ask if he plans to pull it over my head "because that's an advanced yoga move and I'm only in the intermediate class." He laughs, "you are extremely flexible." "Thanks, I know my husband appreciates it."

From Sad to Mad... in 3, 2, 1

2007-04-30T22:20:00.000-07:00

Never found out why the boss is/was in a funk. I generally speak to him daily. All I've gotten is a couple of emails in the last week.

Called my friend to tell him his comment was the most shitty thing anyone has ever said to me. He said it was the alcohol talking. After I hung up I realized he never said he was sorry or gave me a different answer as to why we are friends. But chalk one up for me, I did confront him and that's not something I do.

I asked Big Daddy if he'd like to get away for the weekend, that I have a free night at a nice hotel. He was like "I guess". What the hell, that was a promise of hotel sex and no kids and he "guesses" he'd like to go.

I'm doing my hair this morning and look down at the trash can in my bathroom. What the hell! Little Princess' friend was over yesterday and came and asked me if we had any "femine products". I told her where to find them and didn't think anything more about it but there in the trash are her bloody panties. She threw them away... in my bathroom.

I was at the office 9.5 hours today. I stopped at the liquor store with the intention of coming home to chill out on the sofa. As soon as I get home Little Princess says she thinks she might puke. I then see she has left out the towels (like 7 towels) she used to wash the dogs and have a water fight with her friend yesterday. It has rained like crazy all day and the towels are a muddy mess. I run through the house, intending to put them directly in the washer. Lo and behold, the washer is full. No biggie. I open the dryer to move the clothes from the washer but its full clothes, my clothes, which have apparently sat in the dryer all day and are so wrinkled there is no doubt I'm going to have to iron everything, even my panties.

I HATE IRONING!

So I get the laundry under control, change my clothes, wash my face, and head to the kitchen. I open the fridge to see if there is anything I can feed Little Princess that I won't mind seeing in the barf bucket later. I am greeted to all the meat I bought at the store for the week. Little Princess didn't put any of it in the freezer. I now need to prepare a pork roast, some hamburger, and fajita meat or give the family food posioning later in the week. I don't even want any of that for dinner.

I heat a frozen pizza, pour a rum and coke, and consider my mood.

Hey, atleast I'm not sad anymore.

Down and Out

2007-04-23T23:39:00.000-07:00

With the exception of a huge (unwelcomed) vacation in June, I have nothing going on. All my projects and trips are done. I'm a little despressed.

What now?

The conference I managed was a huge sucess. So why am I blue?

Amid all the 500 compliments, my boss is in a foul mood and no one knows or will tell me why. Its so unlike him that I keep thinking I've done something to cause it. Just my paranoia.

A friend said something so horrible that I'm having a hard time comprehending what it means. "We're friends because you're better than what I could pick up at a bar." What does that mean? Care to elaborate? Do I want you to? It took me a couple of days to even, not remember... because I did turn it over in my mind but to realize WHAT you said. I called you to talk about what I said to that question and clarify my thoughts but you remained silent on your comments. I had hoped it was the beer talking or you trying to be funny but your silence said it all. Fucking speakers and their stupid questions.

I have nothing on the calendar. You'd think I'd be thrilled to have some down time, but no. I'm having a hard time not getting up that one hour earlier to get to work. I haven't taken a lunch in so long I'm not sure what to do during that hour. And home, what am I supposed to do... sit on the sofa and watch TV?

Sunday morning the kids woke me up at 5:30 am after I didn't get to bed until almost midnight because they wouldn't settle down in their tents. I yelled at them in a whisper about how rude they were and then I walked in the dark to the bathrooms, sat on the curb and cried.

I don't cry.

Maybe I'm just exhausted and need some R&R. I haven't slept well in months and in the last two weeks I've probably averaged 5 hrs a night while tossing and turning. Last Tues-Thurs I only slept a total of 7 hours over 3 days. It hasn't affected my work or home life up til now but I'm wondering if that's part of why I feel depressed. Guess you can't run on adrenalin forever.

Things Are Going Too Well

2007-04-12T07:20:00.000-07:00

Ever get that feeling that the other shoe might drop at any moment?

I sold Big Daddy’s truck last night. The ad was only up about an hour on cars.com before the calls started. The callers were all from out of town, which I found odd that people hours away were willing to go so far for a vehicle. Is there a shortage of vehicles in their city?

So the second caller inquired about the truck and I filled him in on the details. I explained the downsides, sliding rear window is broken, interior is less than perfect, high mileage, couple a dents. I spent more time explaining the pluses, transmission only has 40,000 miles on it, no rust, reliable transportation with no major issues. We argued about price briefly and then he said “I’ll leave for the airport now.”

Whoa, hold on now. I hadn’t even talked to Big Daddy to see if he was ok with the price we discussed and I was on my way to church. I tried to talk the guy into doing this the next day but he was adamant that he wanted to do it tonight. His push to hurry, his ethnic background, and the fact he was 300 plus miles away caused me some concern. But as soon as I got home I woke Big Daddy up and explained the deal. He agreed to the price and to go into work late so as to be with me when the deal went down. Everything went smooth and we’re happy with the cash.

While Big Daddy was on the test drive at 11:30 pm last night and I got to thinking… Wow, this went quickly. In the last couple of weeks we’ve made $600 in 24 hrs selling kittens, I got a 6% raise while my coworkers will only see 3%, I got a new SUV, our tax refund was stellar, the sale of the truck will fund a two week vacation in the Midwest early this summer. All in all, we’ve been extremely (I hate to use the term) blessed.

I was actually voted ‘Most Pessimistic” my senior year so now I’m just wondering what’s going to go wrong. Big Daddy gets mad when I speak aloud the possibilities. He is convinced I might just cause one of them to happen by simply verbalizing the thoughts. So here’s me saying outloud “Wow, what if we win the lottery next?”

3 Strikes and You're Out

2007-04-03T19:54:00.000-07:00

# 1
Following my boss’ directions, I emailed the 5 trainers asking for the next 3 months of training dates and locations. They generally follow a schedule, 3rd Tuesdays or the 15th of the month. So when I didn’t hear back from everyone, I used the general schedule and emailed a long list of managers, supervisors, directors, and the 5 trainers the next 3 months of training dates.

FB replies to everyone on the list that I am not in charge of his training schedule. The email is in red, all caps, 18 point font, bolded and underlined.

Strike 2
I had several large projects and was getting behind in data entry. I handed off to a couple of the admin. assistants to get the data in so I could run the end of month reports and email them to top management, cc: ing anyone who has data in the reports.. I didn’t double check the data entry and FB’s data was missing from the final reports.

FB replies to the entire distribution list that he faxed the data to me on such and such date and even called to double check that I had received it. This email doesn’t have the red, large, bold, underlined words but he does use, count them, 12 exclamation points.

Thing is, I had caught the mistake and told him I would correct it the same day and resend my email to everyone.

3rd Strike
I was in a remote office doing some training. FB told me he would be there but didn’t make it. I go over the New Employee List with the 3 supervisors in attendance, letting them know what their employees need to wrap up new employee training/orientation. I send a friendly email to FB (only) to let him know what I went over with the supervisors and remind him to bring certain forms to the next training since the supervisors said they would make sure those people were in attendance.

FB forwards my email to his boss and my whole department, stating the he didn’t know he had a new boss, that his boss hadn’t informed him that he was reporting to me.

Now, FB didn’t copy me on his tirade email but I get called in by my boss and asked what’s going on here. I tell him I’m shocked and can’t believe FB has done this to me for a third time. I explain that we had been friends so I just don’t understand what the problem is and that I had talked to FB after strike 1 and 2 asking him to call me if he had a problem with me or anything I had emailed and he said he would. My boss says he sees nothing wrong with my email and will back me up.

For the record, I refuse to call FB for a third time and kiss his rear end. I will no longer drop what I am doing when he calls and needs something. His requests will go to the back of the pile. I will no longer give him a heads up when I hear his name mentioned by management. I will be professional and do my job but three strikes and you’re out of the friendship circle. I also plan to avoid emailing him unless absolutely necessary. He can’t forward a phone conversation.

FB refers to my favorite Austin Power's character.

Yawn with a side of I Don't Give a Shit

2007-04-02T17:20:00.000-07:00

I finally made it to the Job Rut to pick up Big Princess' paycheck. She worked Spring Break when she was home but is back at school by the time the "minimum pay allowable for soul sucking" check is cut. Its only been like 4 or 5 days since I was supposed to pick it up but the manager drolled on about how he didn't think anyone was coming to get it and he thought he was going to have to send it back to the "Corporate Office".

F-Off... I've got a life, a busy life.

I figure since I'm already wasting an entire lunch hour on this errand, I might as well deposit the check in the bank for Big Princess--so the check will clear and she can pay me for her truck insurance and cell phone when she gets home for Easter weekend.

Smack dab in the middle of the lunch hour and the bank only has one teller at the counter. Bank employees breeeze by, offering me cheery greetings and promising someone will be with me soon. There is only one person ahead of me, so how bad can the wait be?

It can be twenty minutes as the person ahead of me performs something along the lines of cashing an out-of-state check written to a second party in pesos and wanting it converted to yen in the form of a money order, with no id or account at this particular bank.

My turn:

Yes, I'd like to deposit this payroll check and cash this one for $10, drawn on this bank.

His fingers whirl. He types for about 5 minutes. I'm wondering if he's forgotten about my transaction because he had a sudden inspiration for a victorian play written in SQL. Without looking up, he hands me Big Princess' paycheck.

"Please sign the back."
That check is made out to Big Princess, not me. She is the primary on this account, I'm the secondary.
"I see....... Well, bank procedures demand that every check be properly endorsed."
She is a college student who works when she's home but is currently back at school, two hours away.
[blank stare down from me to him]

He finally looks away and writes "For Deposit Only" on the back while instructing me that the bank can only do this a couple of times (like they haven't been doing it for the better part of two years now) before it will insist that the check be properly endorsed.

"Thank you for banking with us."

Eat me teller boy.....

Where are their panties? or "Just Say No to Crack"

2007-03-30T08:55:00.000-07:00

I have seen way too many women's cracks in the work place. The girl in HR routinely shows about 4" of crack while sitting. I walked by the president's office to see his admin. reaching over his desk to place something and saw her crack. (For the record, he was not in the office.) The woman in contracting frequently has crack visible when I walk up to her desk.

A. Where are their underwear? If I can see 4" of crack, how much farther down are her panties?

B. For God's sake, buy longer shirts! Your shirt should, at a bare minimum, meet the top of your pants while sitting. Get out of the children's section of Wal-Mart!

For my part, I will now announce in a semi loud voice, "Nice Crack" to any person, male or female, that exhibits any butt cleveage in the work place. If we all take a stand on this issue, maybe, just maybe, we can save a future generations eye sight. (cause I know I get a little more blind every time I see your ass crack!)

Mad Dash to Sunday's Finish Line

2007-03-19T17:54:00.000-07:00

The final Spring Break weekend was fast and furious. Got up and hit the gym, came home and showered, took Big Princess to get a corrective haircut, came home and did my own hair because I didn’t trust the woman that did Big Princess’. Then we all packed it up and went to Real Live Preacher’s house for our family date. As usual, RLP’s family had no idea where the other member’s of the family either were or when they were due back. That’s ok, I forgot the location of our date and while trying to look it up on the internet at RLP’s house found out I’d been calling it something other than it’s real name.

After finally getting our act together we headed out sans RLP, who would have to catch up to us after he finished a wedding. Somehow I still managed to screw up the directions and we drove around a few minutes before Mrs. RLP called information and figured out where we were going. We finally found Incredible Pizza Co. and the parking lot was packed to the gills. I cautiously wondered how many people this place could hold. I soon found out.

We had to wait in line for about 30 min. until some people cleared out. They were over their capacity of 1,050 people.

It was ok pizza buffet, the cinnamon rolls were fabulous, the entertainment overpriced. They have indoor go-karts, bumper cars, miniature golf, 3-D movie/rides, in addition to the kiddie Vegas games (as I like to call them). The one that amazed me was a humungous crane that picked up giant stuffed animals. The arms on this crane instead of the usual 6” were longer than my arms.

Then after a full belly and empty wallet, Big Princess went to work, little princess was dropped off at a slumber party and Big Daddy wanted to go home. I, on the other hand, went to test drive a new car and haggle with salesmen. I picked up beer on the way home, got Big Daddy and headed to a friend’s house. Next thing I know its 10 pm and I’d been on the go, non-stop since about 7:30 am.

Sunday? Much the same.

I almost peed my pants... laughing.

2007-03-16T17:53:00.000-07:00

Big Daddy drives a truck.

Hey, we live in Texas and Texas State Law Chapter 291 Section 2 Article 21.538 states that one member from each family must drive a truck.

Couple years ago, Big Daddy locked himself outta said truck.

Coulda called me to fetch him his spare key but he didn't.

Smarter fellas mighta got that window fixed after the first good rain.

Not my man.

So I'm headed home yesterday, just a daydreaming and thinking about what's for dinner. I pull up to the driveway and lo and behold.....

a squirrel come flying out the broken back window of my man's truck.

Shoe Junkies

2007-03-13T18:23:00.000-07:00

I looked back into my history and I couldn’t find where I had told the first part of the story so I’ll just tell it again.

It was late summer and Big Princess and I went to lunch and then I played hooky from work. My bosses were otherwise tied up outside the office and wouldn’t miss me if I took an extra long lunch. We headed to the big, fancy, tourist mall that has 3 story tall cowboy boots in front of it. We were headed back to my office when my boss called. I quickly pulled into the nearest parking lot to take the call. He said I should play hooky from work and take the afternoon off. “Well, if you think that’s a good idea… I guess I can find something to do.”

After hanging up and giving a little cheer, we both noticed a sign—Shoe Sale 50% Off. Say no more, we’re in.

We wander up and down isles looking and trying on shoes when suddenly I find silver cowboy boots but only ankle high. OMG, I love them. With 50% off they are only $15. I am giddy with joy. No, wait! They have them in GOLD too! For $30 I can have 2 pair, one silver and one gold.

Big Princess finds a pair of shoes she must have as well. (I don’t remember what hers looked like but they were probably Vans tennis shoes or had a skull and cross bone theme to them.) We head to the check out and Big Princess pays first with cash. Now, I never carry cash, so I give the women my debit card. She first rings up the sale on the cash register and then turns to the debit machine.

OK, from here on out is when things go south.

The women swipes my card and the machine asks her to enter the tax amount. I tell her that the machines never ask for the tax amount. She goes on and on and on about how she usually works at the other store and she just doesn’t know how things are done at this store. She calls her old store and asks them to figure the tax for her…. But she gives them the total off the cash register receipt that already has the tax added to the total. After she hangs up, I try to explain why the amount she was trying to compute was wrong. She doesn’t understand (to tell the truth, she seemed a wee bit slow and very excitable) and gets out a little hand calculator and starts punching numbers. She doesn’t know how to use the calculator and says “dis thang ain’t workin”. Now, Big Princess grabs a pen and tries to show the woman on paper how to do the math. No go.

She hands me a receipt with the incorrect total and asks me to sign it. I refuse since she double charged me for the tax. She calls the owner on the phone and explains what’s going on. After she hangs up she tells me that the owner said to just sign it and he would correct the total that evening. I refused and asked her to reverse the charge. She said she wasn’t allowed to do anything but ring up sales.

OK, I’ve now been trying to check out for 30 minutes. I’ve been calm up to now but Big Princess sees I’m starting to loose my cool. Meanwhile customers are backing up, waiting to check out. I start to complain loudly to anyone within hearing distance. The woman calls the owner back and at the end of that call she says he will come to the store in a few minutes, 10 minutes to be exact. So I tell her I will be back and Big Princess and I go to the car to wait.

We return in 15 minutes and the owner still isn’t there. We wait another 5 minutes and I tell her to call him and find out where he is. Now the guy won’t answer his phone. The woman calls him like 7 times and she says, “oh, now he’s mad at me and he won’t answer.”

It takes the guy another 20 minutes to show up. The cashier tries to explain what she did but he sternly tells her to go to the back of the store and wait for him. He quickly credits my account and rings me up correctly. He hands me copies of all 3 transactions. As I examine the receipts I see why the woman had problems with the debit machine asking her to enter the tax… she must have hit the wrong button and actually did a credit. So now I have 2 credits, and 1 charge.

By now I have been asked at least 15 times, do I still want the shoes. The owner explains that he is going to have to double charge me just to get back to zero and then charge me for the shoes. He makes the final mistake of asking again, do I want the shoes?

“Hell no! I want out of your damn store.”

So I end up spending two hours at the store and walk out with nothing but a screaming headache and wanting to beat someone.

Fast forward to today……………………………………………………………….

Big Princess is home for Spring Break and I’m finally caught up enough to take a couple hours off. We decide to do our favorite thing, shoe shop. We are both looking for a specific shoe. We hit 2 stores and Big Princess finally finds what she wants, even though it’s a little more expensive than she wanted to pay. We just so happen to be not far from Satan’s Shoe Store (as I like to call it). Big Princess is like, “Are you kidding me. You’re really considering going back?”

“Hey, why not. It might be funny to see if they totally freak out when we walk in.” We pull in and low and behold, they are still having a 50% Store Closing Sale more than six months since we were last here. To give them credit, they did have much less inventory. We wandered around and noticed that the woman from last time wasn’t there. We didn’t see anything we absolutely had to have, even at 50% off. They had the silver boots but in a ½ size too small. I walk around to Big Princess’ size shoes and she holds up my silver half cowboy boot but in one size too big. I kind of frown that its too big. Then Big Princess goes, “Its only $7!!! For that price you can afford some thick socks.”

I try them on and because of the pointy toe they aren’t that big and thick socks will definitely make them fit. I take them to the front and, of course, pay in cash.

I Survived

2007-03-12T17:08:00.000-07:00

I take criticism personally, even constructive criticism. That’s not to say that I don’t want to hear it, just that it stings to have someone remember a time I wasn’t at 100 percent or that I might be lacking in some way.

Usually it’s the presentation of criticism that hurts the most. I don’t think many people know how to give feedback in a non-attacking kind-of-way. And the longer it takes to give or receive said feedback only makes it harder.

Hey, I don’t think I’m perfect and I always want to do better but there’s something about that annual performance review that starts the heart to pounding and the stomach turning. I always try to anticipate what flaws might be pointed out and come up with my rebuke or plan of change. The worst is when you are asked to fill out your own review and bring it to the meeting to compare with your boss’s version of your performance. Do you rate your self high, hoping to bring in a little bit more raise to the paycheck? Or do you rate yourself low, hoping your boss will pump you up with words of praise? Then there’s the dreaded “what if we are so far off from each other that we both wonder who we’re talking about?”

I’d almost rather get a papsmear than my annual review.

And who can remember how anyone performed for the past year. I can barely remember what I had for dinner yesterday, let alone why I didn’t complete a project on-time 9 months ago. These things are usually based on the last month or two’s performance. I’ve heard chatter from co-workers about how they can knock off the early mornings and late evenings as soon as the performance reviews are over this month.

I have been buried in projects to the point of insanity for several months now and producing results like crazy so I wasn’t too worried about my review today. Then with only hours to go, my boss discovers that I have somehow sent 3 permits to the government without their accompanying checks. It might have been better if I had discovered it, but on the other hand, it could have been worse if the government discovered it. I was horrified. I’ve been so busy I couldn’t remember sending the permits, let alone why I didn’t include the checks. I scrambled to correct the permits. I thought to myself, “there goes your review.”

Well its over now, at least until next year.

It was fine, just as most things we worry ourselves over are. My boss likes me and the job I’m doing, although I do have a tendency to be bossy and/or pushy.

You really should've been more specific

2007-02-28T07:32:00.000-08:00

My boss insisted we all have photo id's on our swipe cards, "In case of emergency and you need to get behind the police lines."

What makes you think I want behind the police line? I'm pretty sure they are there for a reason.

However, I do adore my boss (he's actually my boss' boss but he bosses me enough to be my boss) and want to please him (no, not in a creepy way) so I put a photo id on my swipe card.

PSILY

Safety Department

I'm must post quick like

2007-02-21T12:42:00.000-08:00

before blogger crashes.

I can't post from home and at work, blogger just hangs there. Its very frustrating because so much is happening that I want to get down before my mind dumps the data.

I have 2 huge projects at work that are causing me to lose sleep, SARA Title III reporting and the inaugral issue of the company newsletter, both due Feb. 28th. To top that off, I'm taking 15 youths from church on a 4 day retreat to Dallas this Friday, thus shortening the available hours to get both projects done.

Meanwhile, back in the rest of my life...

Things are piling up on my desk while I focus on the 2 projects and home life is less than perfect with Big Daddy being grumpy from going back to double shifts this week and little princess is on a lying jag. She is lying about everything and anything. I asked her last night if she had given her friend the permission slip for this weekend, if not I'd run it over to her house. She assured me that she had indeed given it to her. This morning at 6 am the phone rang. (I figured someone must have died because my phone does not ring at that hour, ever.) The girl called to ask little princess to bring the permission slip to school today or she couldn't go this weekend. I want to beat her hinney (I'm giving up swearing for Lent).

No one's moods affect me like Big Daddy's. If he's grumpy, I walk on eggshells. I don't know why I let it get to me. My mom can't get to me, not my brother nor my boss. If Big D is in a mood my heart pounds and I start looking for a hiding place. Now don't get the wrong impression, I have NOTHING to fear. (I could probably take him in a fight.) He doesn't seem to understand it either. I hate my response to his moods.

I will back date the stuff I've been trying to post when blogger decides to allow it.

I wish it had been a dream

2007-02-18T14:29:00.000-08:00

It was a travel nightmare. I got up at 3 am to be at the airport early but my flight to Chicago was delayed 3 hours and I missed my connecting flight. After I got to O’Hare, the next available flight was cancelled. There was only one more flight that day but I had to wait 5 hours and it was still snowing. The woman behind the counter thought it might be cancelled as well.

I crossed the street to the Hilton, looking for a quiet spot to get some work done and kill 4 hours. Ok, actually I was trying to find a hot toddy or Irish coffee. As my luck would have it, the bar was under renovation. I did manage to talk them out of 2 gin and tonics, and by “talk them out of” I mean I had to talk them into selling me the 2 small drinks for $10 each. By the time I’d finished the second one, I was feeling a little warmer and decided to find a different spot to get some work done.

As always, people wanted to talk to me. I discussed the weather with traveler after traveler. After about 2 hours, a gentlemen said if his flight was cancelled he was going to just hop a shuttle across from the hotel. I inquired a little more and before he had finished explaining how the shuttles work, I was shutting down and packing my laptop. I had already missed the first viewing and IF I somehow made that last flight, I’d still miss most of the second viewing. I trudged across the street in 12 inches of snow. The next shuttle would get me there in time for the last viewing and was only $34 one way. I bought the ticket and stepped outside just as the bus pulled up.

I was standing there, with my arm extended, ticket in hand, when it suddenly dawned on me… My checked bag with all my clothes was still at the airport. I stood there for several seconds with my arm out until the driver asked me, “Well, are you getting on the bus or not?” Oh hell, I can buy underwear at K-Mart. I was still pretty rattled as I rode the bus for the first hour. I called my office for assistance in locating my bag. I wasn’t sure if they’d take my suitcase off the plane if I didn’t show for the flight. I worked continuously for the rest of the 2 and a half hour bus ride. The good news, I was only 7 minutes late for the viewing.

I had hoped to never have to talk to 90% of the people in the room ever again.

My adopted father died last week. I feel bad that he died… mostly for those that have to go on without him. I had only spoken to him once in the last 20 odd years. As an adult I discovered that he was a weak man who did things he didn’t really want to do because someone told him to.

It wasn’t that I disliked him. I just had no time for a man who pretended to be my father.

That statement would break my brother’s heart. He loved the man as a son should, faults and all. But I was just a girl that a man felt forced to adopt when he married my mother. My brother was his only natural child. I never knew growing up what the difference was but I knew there was a difference. All the family on that side treated me slightly different and I felt that too. Not one of them ever attempted to contact me when I left home at 18.

To tell the truth, I hadn’t given them much thought either over the last two decades. I didn’t send them my wedding invitation, birth announcements, photos, birthday cards, graduation notices, Christmas cards and neither did I receive any.

When he first got sick and I realized he wouldn’t beat the leukemia, I talked to my brother and told him I probably wouldn’t come home. I didn’t want to be a distraction to something that should be about his dad, not my sudden return home after 22 years.

My brother was so bereft in the moments and days after his dad died that I changed my mind at the last minute. He needed me and I’ve always said funerals are for the living, not the dead. So I trucked home to hold his hand and sooth is soul. I’m glad I did.

I bet they are still talking about me.

ps. The trip home was no better. Temperatures of -11 with windchills of 25 below, more flight delays, missed planes and lost luggage.

I am not a winner

2007-01-31T07:08:00.000-08:00

So its not the first time I've been asked to run for Elder at church but it was the first time I agreed to even be on the ballot. (I think the first time only involved 45 minutes of me laughing.) Its not that I can't do the job, its that I'm not sure I'm qualified to do the job. I mean, Elders are/should be dignified and wise, hence the title of Elder.

I asked how many we were electing and was told 1 or 2. "So how many people are on the ballot?"

"One or two..."

Great, my odds were better than 50/50. I asked if everyone was aware of my habit of swearing and awesome spitting abilities.

"The people that nominated you know you well."

Well, the votes are in and apparently they found some more better qualified people and I came in last, dead last. Yea!!! Not bad out of three candidates. I didn't but wanted to write "any one but me" on the ballet and circle my name. (Wait, they might have counted that as a vote since my name was circled. Wouldn't that be hilarious if I got myself voted in because I was trying to be funny? or would that be ironic? Please discuss amongst yourselves...)

I guess I just don't feel like a leader. People may get the wrong impression because what I am is fearless with my own life. The only person I enjoy leading is me. If the rest of you want to dance behind me, I'm ok with that. Just don't say I caused you to dance.

I realize this occassion puts me at the top of the list next go round. So I'm getting ready.

If it looked like the voting was going to be close and I was in danger of winning, I was prepared to whip out my secret weapon... pictures of me pole dancing from The Public Transportation Adventure Over Christmas Vacation.