Advice for Avoiding Shark Attacks

Sharks are unpredictable, and any time you are in waist-deep ocean waters you are in shark country. Sharks rarely attack people, but a few simple precautions can help you reduce the already slight risk. The National Parks Conservation Association suggests you practice these tips to avoid attracting seen or unseen sharks.

1. When in shark waters but no shark is in sight, look out for fins. If you see one fin cutting through the water, that is likely a dolphin. Two fins—one behind the other—are more likely to be a shark, with its back and tail fins above the surface.

(Likely to be a dolphin? This is like that advice about poisonous snakes having cat-like pupils and non-poisonous snakes having round pupils. If I gotta get that close, I'm already a deadman.)

2. Don't carry dead fish when swimming or diving.

(I'm sorry but I'm gonna need more specific information. Are we talking small dead fish, like minnows, or does this only apply to the 5 to 10 pound variety. It's harder to swim with the larger fish but you know, safety first.)

3. Don't swim at night, early in the morning, or early in the evening. These are the times when sharks are hunting.

(Or Monday thru Friday and never on the weekends cause that's when all the guys sharks get together and have a couple of drinks and go cruising for swimmers.)

4. Stay out of murky water.

(Especially murky water in your bathtub, i.e. along the lines of don't eat the yellow snow.)

5. Don't wear contrasting colors or flashing objects.

(Yes, I know this rule sucks for all the ravers out there. Save it for the club.)

6. Avoid wading or swimming in offshore sloughs or channels, such as might occur between sandbars, and in waters that drop off steeply to greater depths.

(Honey, did you bring the sunblock and the ocean floor map?)

7. Never molest a shark of any kind, regardless of size.

(That's funny cause I heard Hammerhead sharks were totally into that kind of thing. What the worst that could happen? You could get your picture and address on a special web site… and that would suck cause you would never get another shark to go out with you.)

8. If you spot a shark Stay calm, as sudden movements may attract a shark.

(Define "sudden movements". Is there like a demonstation video or something I can watch like Red Highway in drivers ed?)

9. Swim calmly and rhythmically back to land or boat.

(Shit, I'm screwed. I'm a white girl with no rhythm."

10. Keep the shark in sight, particularly if you are swimming underwater. In most shark attacks, the victim didn't see the shark. Sharks seem to shy away from people who look directly at them.

(Make up your damn minds. Keep him in sight but don't let him "see" you watching him?)

11. If all else fails, try to look prepared to fight back.

("If all else fails"... I am now a red puddle in the ocean.)