Down and Out

With the exception of a huge (unwelcomed) vacation in June, I have nothing going on. All my projects and trips are done. I'm a little despressed.

What now?

The conference I managed was a huge sucess. So why am I blue?

Amid all the 500 compliments, my boss is in a foul mood and no one knows or will tell me why. Its so unlike him that I keep thinking I've done something to cause it. Just my paranoia.

A friend said something so horrible that I'm having a hard time comprehending what it means. "We're friends because you're better than what I could pick up at a bar." What does that mean? Care to elaborate? Do I want you to? It took me a couple of days to even, not remember... because I did turn it over in my mind but to realize WHAT you said. I called you to talk about what I said to that question and clarify my thoughts but you remained silent on your comments. I had hoped it was the beer talking or you trying to be funny but your silence said it all. Fucking speakers and their stupid questions.

I have nothing on the calendar. You'd think I'd be thrilled to have some down time, but no. I'm having a hard time not getting up that one hour earlier to get to work. I haven't taken a lunch in so long I'm not sure what to do during that hour. And home, what am I supposed to do... sit on the sofa and watch TV?

Sunday morning the kids woke me up at 5:30 am after I didn't get to bed until almost midnight because they wouldn't settle down in their tents. I yelled at them in a whisper about how rude they were and then I walked in the dark to the bathrooms, sat on the curb and cried.

I don't cry.

Maybe I'm just exhausted and need some R&R. I haven't slept well in months and in the last two weeks I've probably averaged 5 hrs a night while tossing and turning. Last Tues-Thurs I only slept a total of 7 hours over 3 days. It hasn't affected my work or home life up til now but I'm wondering if that's part of why I feel depressed. Guess you can't run on adrenalin forever.