When Harry Met Sally

So we're at the gym. We've completed 20 min. of cardio and head down stairs to do some work on the mats. There's a personal trainer working with a young woman (who doesn't look like she needs training) and a guy doing push ups. Gym partner is lagging behind me, like, 8 feet. So I turn around and say (rather loudly so he can hear me), "Do you want a ball or do you want a weight?" He replies, "I want a weight."

I see nothing out of the ordinary in this coversation. I merely wanted to know if he wanted a medicine ball or a barbell to increase the intensity of his floor exercises. Much to my amazment, everyone around me is doubled over in laughter.

Here's what everyone else heard:

"You wanna ball... or you wanna wait?"
"I wanna wait."

I'll take "What is sit down and shut up" for $500 Alex

I've been given the smack down twice this week already and its only Monday.

The big boss is upset with me for speaking to and carrying out a request from his boss without first discussing it with him.

My supervisor thinks I've over-stepped my bounds by finding a free software program from the government that will help the company from many different levels.

Apparently I behave as if work is a game show where having the correct answer first will win me a prize.

I have been informed that is an incorrect assumption on my part. I am to zip it and let my superiors have time to formulate the correct answer on their own (or atleast feed them enough information to let others think they came up the idea themselves). Its their job to do the speaking parts. (I am reminded here of my crapy stepfather's theory that children should be seen and not heard.)

My supervisor said I'm a "go-getter" which "can be a good thing... and a bad thing."

How can this be a bad thing? Oh, yeah, when I make them look bad. Now I remember. I truly believe most of this comes from the fact I'm a (gasp) woman.

I have been thoroughly chastised and promise to stop making eye contact and offering opinions... so help me God. (I will also walk 5 paces behind the men in my department... but I will be cussing them and making faces.)

Who Did What?

Actor David Spade is to become a dad for the first time after his ex-girlfriend named him as the father of her unborn child.

Named him? "I name my baby-daddy David Spade."

Playboy Playmate Jillian Grace, 22, claims she fell pregnant with (David) Spade's baby after dating him for a short period last year.

How does one "fell" (fall?) pregnant? I know David Spade is short but come on.

And the 43-year-old has vowed to support Grace if her claims of paternity prove to be correct.
He tells TMZ.com, "I had a brief relationship with Jillian Grace. If it is true that I am the father of her child, then I will accept responsibility."

Ok, translation time:
brief relationship=drunk fucked once
accept responsibility=will tell everyone he totally "did" her

Oh hell no

Right before I left for vaction over the holidays, my "supervisor" and I were talking about the manager he just hired and I was asking how much support this guy was going to require. "Well, there'll be a lot more permits coming out of this office, so that means a lot more copying, filing, and proofing of permits." I suggested that it was time to think about hiring an admin. That between the 3 of us we could keep someone busy 8 hours a day. (That's been the argument against getting some help up til now.) His reply was, "I think we need to reassess your duties and pull you back into the environmental dept."

I'm the database analysist for the Operations Support Dept. (Environmental falls under Ops Support). I also do all the Workers' Comp., write and edit the company newsletter, manage the operator qualifications, and I'm the event planner for corporate functions. My time is split 60% in Safety, 20% in Regulatory, 10% in corporate functions, and 10% in Environmental. But my expenses all come out of his Environmental budget. I think this chaps his ass, that and the fact that he rarely knows what I'm working on at any given moment. I think that the only reason I report to him is that we are in the same office.

He wants me to make copies and file! What the fuck? With what they pay me they could hire 3 admins. I fumed for several days. I wondered if he had already discussed this with his boss.

Well, the big boss was finally in town and we sat down to discuss 2 corporate events that I'm working on and a reorganization of some databases for the safety department. After we'd gone over all the details, I looked him in the eye and said "Now I'd like to talk to you about me." He had a momentary look of a deer in the headlights before he recovered his composure. "Ah, ok."

I explained the conversation I'd had with my supervisor and asked him what he thought. "Well," he said buying some time. "That doesn't make a lot of sense... unless you wanted to." I explained that I would be very unhappy if that happened. He said he thought my supervisor was only thinking about how to solve his problem of needing more support and not thinking about my upward mobility. (That's putting it nicely.)

"I will take care of this."

I was pretty sure he would take care of this before I talked to him. He sometimes moves slower than I would like but sometimes you have to wait for the right moment to move things forward. For once I was able to apply this theory by waiting 3 weeks for the big boss to show up in person instead of calling him on the phone and rambling on while I was still upset by the initial conversation with my supervisor. Here's hoping this thing resolves itself sooner, rather than later.

It Still Hurts

Adopted princess returned late Friday night. I know this because she was asleep curled up next to Big Princess when I woke up Saturday (and she wasn't there when I went to bed).

We all had some errands to take care of Saturday but regrouped at the house that afternoon. The two older girls went with me to buy new cells phones and a 2008 family calendar (cause less than one week into the new year without a calendar and we were falling apart). I rewarded the girls with frozen custard at Freddy's for not whining about how long it took at the phone store. Big Princess and I split a burger too.

We agreed that we'd do Sunday School the next day but bug out of church and head to Bandera for antique shopping the next day since Big Princess needed to leave Sunday night for school. I called my friends in Bandera to arrange for them to join us for lunch.

I didn't sleep well Saturday night. I blamed it on a late nap with Big Daddy. I kept thinking "yeah, I'm gonna be tired tomorrow but I'm not cancelling. Its our last chance for a girls shopping trip." About 30 minutes before my alarm would have gone off, I hear Big Princess get up and go into the bathroom. I then hear the most god awful retching noises. I get up and take her a bowl. She declines as she has already vomited into the trash can. I tell her ok and realized that I'm gonna need it.

We both spend the rest of the day vomiting from both ends, moaning, and napping. We do, however, have awesome friends. I weakly called gym buddy and asked if he could possibly see his way to the store for some Popsicles. He brought both our favorites promptly. Later I asked Big Princess to call in a favor and get someone to bring us some ginger ale. Her buddy, not known for his promptness, got us 2 large bottles in, like, 20 minutes. (I really thought it would take a minimum of 45 minutes.)

We both woke up this morning feeling like we'd been run over by dueling semi trucks. For the record she did vomit two more times than me. Unfortunately she absolutely had to get on the road to register for classes. I, on the other hand, have ten sick days and wasn't afraid to use one less than 7 days into the new year. I spent the day napping on the sofa, trying to keep solid food down and finally went for a massage. I currently feel more human, less zombie-like.

Wait, What Were We Talking About

It started with me announcing to little princess that she was getting a tetanus shot tomorrow.

lp: What? Why?
me: Because they won't let you back in school with out it.
Big Princess: You know they give it to you in the butt.
lp: No they don't.
BP: Yes they do.
lp: No they don't... I'm gonna look it up on the internet.

lp: It says "given in the large muscle". See, I told you.
BP: What do you think your largest muscle is? Its your butt.

Further googling by lp...
lp: It says "can be given in the arm or thigh." Booya!
BP: Lift your arm... make a muscle. Yeah, its going in your butt.
lp: Mom! Make her stop.
me: Honey, the doctor is gonna be all "back that thing up JLo" and the nurse is gonna making that backing up noise... beep beep beep.

me: Its not like you have to drop your drawers to your ankles or anything. Just peel it down a crack.
BP: You should wear a thong.
lp: Like I have any thongs.
me: You can borrow one of mine.
lp: Mom! You have a thong?
me: A drawer full.
both: YEW!

A moment of silence followed by:
BP: You know thongs are the #1 cause of yeast infections. It rubs all your butt junk into your who-ha.
me: I appreciate you using such technical language.

Ok, I'm not sure how we jumped from thongs, butt junk, and who-ha's to this next topic...

lp: I'm tired of sex ed. I know it all by now.
BP: Really, why is it easier to get AIDs from annal sex.
lp: Well, I know its men's favorite position.
BP: What is?
lp: Doggie style.
me: That's not annal sex.
lp: Yes it is, its the same thing.
me: No, doggie style is just a woman on all fours. Its still going in the who-ha.
lp: Its still disgusting.

Brief pause (we have to catch our breath from all the laughing).

me: Ahhh, are there any other positions you are unclear about.
~silence~
me: Ok, what's something you need for annal sex?
They both yell at the same time, like its a game show:
BP: A condom!
lp: Love!
me: Ok, I'll accept both answers. I would have also accepted lube.

both: GROSS!