Gazoontight

I’m cooking dinner and little princess comes in the kitchen and says “I think we have sneezing rats in the attic”.

Oh, what makes you say that?

“I can hear them.”

Oh, is that what the voices in your head say, that we have sneezing rats?

“Mommmm, Can I go in the attic and see?”

No dear.

“Why?”

Because we don’t have an attic and we certainly do not have sneezing rats. Beside even if we had an attic with sneezing rats, I wouldn’t let you go in it.

“Why not?”

Honey, that’s your Daddy’s job.

So I figure I’d better figure out what she’s talking about before she tells everyone from church to her school yard chums that we have sneezing rats at our place.

Little princess, tell me where you hear the sneezing rats. We go out to the front yard and she says “listen, very quietly”. (as opposed to listening loudly?)

What we have is a woodpecker that has hacked a hole in the front of our house and hatched a batch of noisy peeps.

Thank goodness its not sneezing rats.

Self Service

I hate fighting with the insurance company or anyone involved with the insurance company.

I have been getting Explanation of Benefits from AETNA with old claims on them, trips to the doctor from back in 2003 and 2004. I generally look them over to make sure the doctor billed the insurance correctly and that the insurance company plans to pay. I hate surprises, especially when I have to write a check for them.

I decided to call the insurance company and find out why the claims are sooo old. AETNA tells me that the doctors are just submitting them and that by law they have to acknowledge the claim within 15 days of receipt. I said OK, just wanted to know whose butt to chew.

Then I asked about little princess’ strep test. The doctor billed $40 for a 5 minute test with a Q-tip but the insurance company is on to them and have negotiated a fee of $9.33 for the test. Much more reasonable in my book. But I see the insurance company isn’t planning on paying the $9.33. Oh sure, they’re gonna pay $165 for the doctor’s visit and the shot to her highness’ hinney. The lady tells me “oh, that’s because of your deductible.”

I’m sorry, my must be mistaken. We don’t have a deductible, we have a co-pay.

“No dear, you have a deductible for diagnostics, x-ray and lab work as off the beginning of this year.”

How can I get a copy of where it says this?

“Please call UPS Medical Division for a SPD.”

Ok, how bad could this be? I just need a copy of the SPD (whatever the hell that is). I call and this automatic system wants social security numbers (the last one wanted Id number) so I have to dump my purse to find it. The system hangs up on me, I’m too slow to respond. I call back and this time it is voice prompted but doesn’t recognize what I’m saying and hangs up again. Again I dial 1, 800,…

I plug in the SS# and then it asks for a pin code. I can never remember what the pin code is, never! So I skip past the part where it asks if I would like a new pin code mailed to me but please remember you can do nothing until your new pin code arrives, and I try for the human on the other end. Success, a real live boy!

What’s the first thing he asks me for? The flippin pin code. I explain that I can never remember it and that their system won’t allow me to change it to something I can remember. He proceeds to tell me he can’t help me without the pin code and that Big Daddy is the only one who can call and request a new pin code. I inform him that Big Daddy doesn’t know how to use a phone, that he never even calls his mother.

I argued the point briefly before informing him that I planned to hang up and call back, navigate the automatic system, pushing buttons and having a new pin code sent without my husband or any employee on their end getting involved. “I call it self-service” and I hung up.

(and I called right back, my pin code will be here in 7-10 days, shhhhh)

The Witching Hour

I stepped outside last night to have a smoke (yeah, I’m smoking again). The moon was huge and whole. I watched the man in the moon without blinking until I was almost blinded by the light of the full moon. I love the night sky, always changing and moving, planets rising and setting, new moons, harvest moons and even the much beloved “toenail” moon. Last night there was an auora around the moon. I’ve heard tell that means change in coming. I sometimes wish I knew more about the constellations, other times I realize that more knowledge might ruin the magic of the night sky for me.

I loved to tell the princesses when they were small that each of the stars represented someone that loved us and has gone to heaven. The stars were the twinkling of their eyes watching us. I would tell them about grandparents and long deceased relatives that had died but still kept watch. Little princess picked a large bright star (really a planet, but who am I to argue) that was to be our precious dog Mandy who loved children as much as any grandmother that had ever walked the earth.

It’s comforting to know that even if all they are doing is watching, you are not alone and you are loved.

So now comes the witching hour. You probably thought that was midnight. Wrong. That’s way too early these days. Now maybe it was true back when people went to bed with the setting sun but nowadays, midnight is relatively early.

The modern Witching Hour is between two and three a.m. This is when children vomit, puke, or throw-up. Some how they can’t expunge the contents of their stomachs at 10 pm so we could all get a good night’s sleep, nor can they regurgitate at a more reasonable hour, say, 6 am.

So the moon foretold of change all right. I just didn’t know it would be the changing of puke covered bedding. Little princess shakes me awake at 3:15 am. “Sissy needs you,” she tells me, using her childhood nickname for Big Princess. I immediately hear retching, deep, from the bottom of your stomach retching.

Well, she’s a big girl now and her hair doesn’t need holding back and she knows what to do. So much like the twinkling stars in the sky, all I can do is let her know I’m watching over her.

The Death Loop

Rush hour on Loop 1604 once again was a crawl for several hours Wednesday morning when a car spun into oncoming traffic, causing a four-vehicle crash that killed one motorist and injured two.

The Transportation Department has long-term plans to add lanes to ease congestion and add a concrete divider, but San Antonio Police Chief Albert Ortiz said that until then, Loop 1604 will be "a zero-tolerance zone for traffic violators."
Police have stepped up traffic enforcement on the road." Ortiz said officers in unmarked cars will target aggressive drivers and patrol officers will run radar more often. Ortiz said he hopes the enhanced enforcement will force people to be more cautious.

So more than writing tickets, Celaya said he hopes the police presence on the loop "will encourage them to be more careful when they're driving out here."

This is part of an email I sent Big Princess. Its from the local news and I thought the fear of a ticket might help her slow down on a road she travels frequently. I knew she’d be pissed if I only sent it to her, (you know, singling her out) so I sent it to a couple of other people I know travel that road daily.

I mentioned in the email that I had seen 3 police cars that very morning so the police weren’t just blowing smoke.

I travel this road at least twice a day minimum and I continue to see the police, lots of them. What effect does this have on traffic? Are we more careful or cautious? No, traffic that was flowing smoothly suddenly comes to a halt as everyone (yes, everyone) taps the breaks as soon as they see the police cars.

Then I began to notice they were parked in the same spots every day, both in the morning and the evening. So I looked more closely (since we were braking anyway) and low and behold, the cars are empty. Left behind like the unbelievers after rapture.

Well, I guess we really couldn’t expect the police to actually be there every day, no matter that they said they would. Besides, empty police cars don’t need to be paid overtime or benefits. And people are still braking, so I guess it’s working.

Ps. Big Princess asked me if the newspaper highlighted the particular phrases or was that my doing. “No dear, the paper wanted to emphasize those points.”

Do you want us to come over to shoot her?

911 dispatcher reprimanded over wisecrack

WATAUGA, Texas (AP) -- A 911 dispatcher was reprimanded for responding to a mother's plea for help with an unruly child by saying: "OK. Do you want us to come over to shoot her?"

"I admit what I did. It was stupid, it was inexcusable and I'm sorry," said dispatcher Mike Forbess.

The woman, identified only as Lori in Wednesday's Fort Worth Star-Telegram, said she recently phoned authorities after coming home to find her daughters fighting. She told the dispatcher that her 12-year-old had kicked a hole in the door.

After Forbess' comment, the woman fell silent for about five seconds. "Are you there?" Forbess asked. "Excuse me?" the woman asked.

Forbess, a dispatcher for five years at the Watauga Department of Public Safety, told her he was joking and apologized. But the woman was offended, and Forbess immediately told his supervisor what happened. "This type of response cannot be tolerated, and this letter shall serve as notice that any future unprofessional responses while answering the 911 line will be cause for termination," Police Chief David Van Laar wrote to Forbess.

A. This story doesn’t surprise me. After all, this is Texas and we shoot things.

B. This doesn’t sound like an emergency. Maybe she should have used the non-emergency phone number and saved the dispatcher’s time so he could have handled a real emergency.

C. I probably would have said this myself or maybe would have asked her, “Ma'am, should I send a man of the cloth, a family counselor, a lion tamer, or, I don’t know, how about a parent!”

Reservation for flushing toilets please

Going camping this weekend with my Sunday School kids. I’m not much for camping (my idea of “roughing it” is Holiday Inn without a pool) but we kinda got this down to a science. We leave at noon Saturday and return Sunday afternoon. Twenty-four hours at a state park (which have flushing toilets or I wouldn’t consider going). Each adult (usually 1 adult per 5 kids) is responsible to making one meal. Adults all sleep in a pop-up (or I wouldn’t consider going) and the kids are in tents around us (girls on the left, boys on the right).

We have devised the 1 adult to 5 children rule after realizing you really don’t get to sleep that night. Every 1.5 hours someone will have to “go potty” which is usually a short hike thru darkened woods surrounded by creepy stuff. This requires an adult chaperone. Every 2 hours someone can’t sleep (because its too dark, too light, too quiet, too loud, too creepy, etc.) and wants to go home (remember, they are only 8-12 years old). Every three hours, someone is trying to sneak out of the tent to pull a prank on another tent full of children. Add to this mix the snoring of men from the pop-up, raccoons destroying our camp site and for some reason it always rains on these semi-annual trips. Go figure…

You wouldn’t think it but I’m actually looking forward to it (as long as there are flushing toilets).

Done

I’m feeling pretty good right about now.

I finished the taxes Sunday night after working on them for months and while its not good news, it is about $3,000 less than first anticipated. The down side? All the money we had saved is gone. GONE! Damn, that’s painful to say, especially since we are about $1,000 short of paying the IRS bill and will be making payments for the first time ever.

But its over.

I’ve lost sleep and had that sick to my stomach feeling for almost 3 months now. I began smoking again after quitting a year ago. I couldn’t force myself to exercise or even drive by the gym. I put on 30 lbs. The stress was killing me slowly. Not only was the tax deadline fast approaching, Big Princess couldn’t finalize college plans and financial aid packages without the tax return.

But its over and I’m feeling pretty good right about now (even if we are poor).

It is done!

I finished at the stroke of 10 pm after a day of stolen moments and a mad rush all evening. I woke Big Princess up from the sofa to tell her the news. I think she was too sleepy to appreciate the fullness of the moment. (I plan to try again tonight)

The journey began way back in the middle of December 2004. My boss and I had gone together at lunch to pick out yarn.

“Hey, check out this afghan crochet sampler,” I told her. I had just finished crocheting like 30 scarves to go to the orphanage in Moldova and was looking for a new project. To date, my most difficult project had been a two-colored (black & hot pink) lap blanket for Big Princess.

“Don’t buy that book. I’ve got that exact one at home you can have.”

“Sweet!”

And so it began. Sixty-three squares measuring 7” x 7”, each square a different stitch or pattern to learn, three colors to juggle. Up to this point I hadn’t learned to read instructions, or as I like to call them the “recipes”. But hey, it started off easy enough, crochet 30 single stitch, continue until it reaches 7”. That doesn’t sound hard.

Initially I thought I could slam out a square a day easy. So I plugged along, storing each square in a large ziplock bag to protect it. People would see me working and ask what I was making. I’d show them the picture of the finished blanket. I thought it was hilarious when they would see my little 7” square and ask how long I’d been working on it.

“Oh, since mid December.”

“Oh… How long do you think it will take you?”

It seemed like forever. Occasionally I’d consider putting it aside and beginning a project I knew I could whip out in a couple weeks. But I continued. Sometimes the recipe would stump me and I’d have to seek out a professional to finish the square.

I began attaching all the squares about 1 week ago and was surprised that part went so fast. You could see the finished project fairly well at this point but technically it wasn’t done. It has a pretty little trim going all the way around and I wouldn’t be happy until it was officially finished.

I had anticipated sleeping with my masterpiece about Monday or so but the edging was taking longer due to the fancy stitch. But Thursday was a day filled with stolen moments. I got up 15 minutes early in the morning. I worked all during lunch. That evening was a full out run, crocheting at top speed. “Lord, I just want to finish tonight,” I prayed.

Then at the stroke of 10 pm, I cut the yarn and weaved it back in and it was done.

I slept with it and it was marvelous!

With friends like this...

SPRINGFIELD, Mass. (AP) -- Thomas P. Budnick says his lawyer's incompetence was to blame for his assault conviction. The funny thing is he was representing himself.

Budnick was charged in 2002 with trying to poison friend Ryan Gauthier by spiking a 40-ounce bottle of beer.

Budnick once filed mining claims on Mars and threatened to sue NASA for trespassing. Such antics should have been enough to make the judge question his competence to waive counsel, his new court-appointed lawyer said. "This was a guy who had just come out of Bridgewater," said Linda Harvey, referring to the state mental hospital.

For more than 20 years, Budnick tried to file and peddle mining claims in such diverse places as George's Bank, the asteroid belt, Mars and the moons of Jupiter. After trying several states without success, he finally persuaded Texas authorities to accept his astral mineral rights claims in 1984.

1. With friends like this, who needs enemies?
2. Hello, what part of just released from the state mental hospital did the judge not hear?
3. Texas give up mineral rights anywhere? I think not. Don’t make us cecede over this.

Is it over?

They say it happens in three’s. Don’t ask me who. But “they” say famous people die in three’s. Ok, define “famous”. I’d say it would have to be someone who has been in the media, is a person everyone recognizes, and whose death made the news.

So it started with Terri Schiavo. Beyond the media’s hype and the family’s struggles is my biggest question. What happened?

The reasons for Terri's death go beyond the removal of a feeding tube or medical ethics and religion. Terri was an overweight teenager, weighing 250 pounds at her heaviest. She apparently suffered from an eating disorder that led to dangerously low potassium levels that led to cardiac arrest. Her brain was not fed with enough oxygen and this led to severe brain damage. She lapsed into a vegetative state where her brain could make her heart beat but it couldn't make her recognize to her surroundings or function enough to feed herself.

Number two is the Pope. Or as I like to call him John Paul Dos. As a former Catholic, I feel a religious sadness but as a Baptist, I keep thinking “He was just a man”.

Some 18,000 mourners per hour streamed past the coffin of Pope John Paul II at St. Peter's Basilica in the Vatican Wednesday, the BBC reported. Other news agencies reported that elderly and small children should avoid the lines to see the pope due to 12-30 hour waits.

How devoted to you have to be to standing in line 30 hours to see a dead body? Wow, I was just going to send a card. I hear the street vendors are making a fortune selling food, water and souvenirs. Get your “My parents went to Rome and saw the dead pope and all I got was this t-shirt!”

And hopefully, third and final is His Serene Highness Prince Rainier Grimaldi III. Ah ha, I bet you didn’t remember he had a last name! Heck, he has so many names and titles his business card was as long as a roll of toilet paper.

Rainier III, Louis-Henri-Maxence-Bertrand, Sovereign Prince of Monaco, and
Duke de Valentinois, Count of Carladès, Baron of Calvinet, Baron of Buis, Lord of Saint-Rémy,
Lord of Matignon, Count of Torigni, Baron of Saint-Lô, Baron of Luthumière,
Baron of Hambye, Duke of Mazarin, Duke of Mayenne, Prince of Château Porcien,
Count of Ferrette, of Belfort, of Thann and of Rosemont, Baron d'Altkirch, Lord of Isenheim, Marquis of Chilly, Count of Longjumeau, Baron of Massy, Marquis of Guiscard, Knight Grand-Cross of Honour and Devotion of the Sovereign Military Order of Malta with Cross of Honorary Professed Member, Colonel of the French Army, Grand Master of the Ordrer of St. Charles, Grand Master of the Ordrer of the Crawn , Grand Master of the Ordrer of the Grimaldi, Grand Cross of the Order of the Legion of Honour, Membrer of the Pontifical Military Order of the Golden Spur, Membrer of the Ordrer of Seraphim, Collar of Merit of the Sovrereign Military Order of Malta, Grand Ribbon of the Ordrer of Merit of the Italian Republic, Grand Cross of the Ordrer of the Saviour (Greece), Grand Cross of the Order of Georges I (Greece), Grand Cross of the Order of Leopold (Belgium), Grand Cross of the Order of the Golden Lion of Nassau, Grand Cross of the Equestrian Order of Saint-Martin, Grand Cross of the Order of Mohamed Ali, Grand Cross of the Ordrer of Karageorgevitch, Grand Cross of the Military Ordrer of St. James of the Sword, Libanese Medal of Merit (Special Award), Croix de Guerre (France), Volunteer's Cross 1939-45, Croix de Guerre (Belgium), Croix de Guerre (Italy), Gold Medal of the American Legion and Olympic Gold Order.

And hey, who isn’t interested in fairy tales and tragedy. Then again, I live in Texas where you can drive for hours and hours and still be in Texas and his whole country was the size of New York’s Central Park. Talk about feeling hemmed in.