p.s. I Love You

I may be funny to my friends but my family just thinks I'm strange.

Name:
Location: French Guiana

Wednesday, January 31, 2007

I am not a winner

So its not the first time I've been asked to run for Elder at church but it was the first time I agreed to even be on the ballot. (I think the first time only involved 45 minutes of me laughing.) Its not that I can't do the job, its that I'm not sure I'm qualified to do the job. I mean, Elders are/should be dignified and wise, hence the title of Elder.


I asked how many we were electing and was told 1 or 2. "So how many people are on the ballot?"
"One or two..."

Great, my odds were better than 50/50. I asked if everyone was aware of my habit of swearing and awesome spitting abilities.
"The people that nominated you know you well."

Well, the votes are in and apparently they found some more better qualified people and I came in last, dead last. Yea!!! Not bad out of three candidates. I didn't but wanted to write "any one but me" on the ballet and circle my name. (Wait, they might have counted that as a vote since my name was circled. Wouldn't that be hilarious if I got myself voted in because I was trying to be funny? or would that be ironic? Please discuss amongst yourselves...)

I guess I just don't feel like a leader. People may get the wrong impression because what I am is fearless with my own life. The only person I enjoy leading is me. If the rest of you want to dance behind me, I'm ok with that. Just don't say I caused you to dance.

I realize this occassion puts me at the top of the list next go round. So I'm getting ready.



If it looked like the voting was going to be close and I was in danger of winning, I was prepared to whip out my secret weapon... pictures of me pole dancing from The Public Transportation Adventure Over Christmas Vacation.



















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Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Ha! You didn't know #4 either!

So I was talking on the phone to my brother (or as I like to call him: Mom's Favorite--atleast that's what I tell him the initials MF stand for):

"Your neice had sex ed this week and do you know they are teaching them 'New Sex'?"
"What's that? Is it like 'New Math'?"
"I don't think so cause New Math is shorter than Old Math but New Sex is longer than Old Sex."
"I have no idea what you're talking about but please don't use the word Sex in conjunction with my neice again... I think I just threw up a little bit in my mouth."
"Sorry but I can't continue with this story without using the word."
"So... they are teaching intercourse, annal, and blowjobs."
"Hey, the technical term is 'Oral'--grow up. So what do you think number 4 is?"
"What?"
"Outercourse"
"You mean dry humping."
"No, it is apparently genital to genital touching without insertion."
"Oh, we always called that..."
"Stop, I don't want to know."
"So then there are really 5 kinds of sex."
"Oh my god, what else don't I know. What's #5?"
"Self Love"
"I'm ending this call and immediately calling Mom to tell her all the dirty words you've said during this conversation."
"Fine, I'll tell her you managed to work the word sex into the conversation, like 50 times."
"Liar"
"Prove it"
"I'm calling Mom"
"I've got her on speed dial AND she'll pick up my call first when she sees the caller id.
"Whatever, MF"
"That's right, I'm Mom's Favorite."

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Monday, January 29, 2007

Crisis in Teenland

I was just working away at my desk when the phone rang; I could see by caller id that it was little princess. Yep, 4 pm, she's home from school.

"Hello"
"Mom?"
Now all I hear is crying, deep, sobbing, sad crying. My heart jumps into my throat but not as fast as I jump to grab my purse and coat, prepared to sprint home.

"Princess, what's going on? What's wrong?" (I know that those words in print sound kinda calm but it came out of my mouth sounding like panic.)
"My boyfriend broke up with me... wahhhhhhhh"

Oh, the relief I felt. The adrenaline fell from my body and hit the floor with a splat.

"Oh honey, I'm so sorry. What did he say?"
"He, he, he said he just thinks of me as a friend, not a girlfriend.... wahhhhhh"
"Well, he sounds like he was trying to do the right thing, tell you the truth, not string you along. I mean, what if he didn't break up with you for, like 2 years and then said he'd always just thought of you as a friend and you'd passed up dating other boys. That would suck, right?"
"Yeah...."
"So now you need to do the right thing and not talk smack about him... cause he wasn't mean about this, right?"
"No"
"And you now get to date other boys, right?"
"Yeah"
"So dry your eyes and go pick out a smokin' hot outfit for school tomorrow so you can start looking for Mr. Right. Ok?"
"Ok Mom, see you when you get home from work."

Crisis diverted, back to safety statistics on 800 contractors.

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Friday, January 26, 2007

Wait! I have questions...

I rush home from a busy day in the field, traffic's a nightmare, I'm still working projects in my head. I enter the house and rush to the back to change clothes for the gym and talk to Big Daddy about how we're going to pay for the furnance that crapped out last night. As I rush by, little princess says in her chipper, 13 year old voice, "We had sex ed today!"

Great, that's just what I felt like talking about at this very moment... "That's nice honey but can we talk later?"

I change, iron out the furnance finances and hustle to the kitchen to fill a water bottle. "So what did you learn in sex ed today?"

"You know.... sex ed."

"No, I don't know. {{jokingly}} Did they cover annal sex?"

"Yes"

Sputtering water all over the kitchen, "You're kidding me."

"No"

"Well, ahhhh, do you have any questions?"

"No"

"What else did you learn?"

"That there's 4 kinds of sex."

I run thru my mind... one-two-three-????, I tick it off on my fingers... one-two-three-???? "Uhmm, four?"

"Yes, four kinds of sex."

"Ok... then... I have a question... I'm fourty [cough] something and I can only think of three kinds of sex: oral, intercourse, and annal. What's number four?"

"M u th ER, I don't want to say it."

"Come on, I need to know. They never bothered to teach me number four when I was in school."

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Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Once Upon A Time I Chased Robbers In My PJ's

Let me just begin with “There will be no pictures to accompany this post.” Do not ask.

So it was a Saturday, sometime back between Christmas and two weeks ago. Adopted Daughter was spending the night. She and Big Princess were camped out in the living room watching something that passes for interesting. Big Daddy and I had long been esconed in our room.

Suddenly, I am awakenedd at 2 am by Big Princess. In a loud whisper, “Mom, I think someone is in your car!”

“Wwhaat?” but before she can repeat what she said, I am on my feet moving towards the front of the house.

“Sugar started barking and I looked out the window and your dome light is on…”

I move straight to the front door, calling Big Daddy to “Get up, someone’s stealing my car!” I don’t bother to peak outside. I just open the door and march out. Sure enough, my driver’s side door is open. A quick search reveals I have been robbed of 50 cd’s between 2 cases, a carton of cigarettes, and $5 in change. By now my sleepy husband has pulled on some pants and stumbled outside.

Like a Goldilock’s and the three bears movie, he cries “Someone’s been in my truck!” And I reply, “Well, someone’s been in my car!” And Big Princess and Adopted Daughter reply in unison, “There they are.” They are pointing about 4 houses down at the cul de sac at 3 teen boys wearing hoodies. "We saw them run when we looked out the window." The idiots are standing there, smoking my cigarettes, holding the loot, watching us.

I march down the end of my driveway in the 40 degree night, bare-foot, wearing only a pink night-shirt, point my finger at them and yell, “Hey, you gonna bring my shit back?”

To which I hear a weak reply of “what?”

So I shout a little louder, “You had better fucking bring my shit back right now. I want my cigarettes and cd’s back assholes.”

I can’t make out their reply but it sounds like “whatever” and if you ask any kid that knows me, the “whatever” word is the same as Fuck You in my mind. I saw red. I turn back to the girls (don’t ask me what Big Daddy is doing at this point cause I don’t know) and shout “call 911 and bring me my shotgun.”

I see the boys look at each other in what I assume is disbelief (and I think they might have yelled a scared little yell) and run into the ditch that leads to a wooded area.

We gave the report to the police and my husband’s famous last words for the night were something about the teens coming back to “jack us up”.

I figure if they were scared enough to run away from me standing barefoot in my pajamas, they weren’t coming back (and I was right).

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Monday, January 15, 2007

Wow, Really?

I love how the weatherman broke into prime time TV last night to announce that it was 40 degrees outside and... if the temperature drops 8 degrees.... it will be 32 degrees and freezing.

I'd just like to take this moment to tell the dude:

1. It was nice of you to drop in and let me know the temperature... instead of making me look out my window at the thermometer.

2. I appreciate the reminder that 32 degrees marks the point where water freezes.

3. And lastly, thanks for doing the math. It's no telling how long it would have taken me to fire up the computer for that kind of equation.

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Adventures That Cost Less Than $20 (al fin)

So we've figured out we're on the wrong bus. Now what?

Me: "Excuse me, but how far down this road do you go?"
Bus Driver: "All the way til it ends, then I go right."

A quick conference with the girls and we decide to get out where the road ends before we get any farther from home. Little princess has a babysitting job as soon as we can get home and as luck would have it, her job would only be blocks from where we will end up. I suggest that we call her babysitting job for a ride so we don't have to confess to Big Daddy that we aren't where we're supposed to be.




So the adventure ends with us getting a ride back to our car (what? you don't think we walked to the bus stop, do you?) from little princess' babysitting job. Close, so close to making it all the way. Oh well, maybe during Spring Break we can try again.
The End
ps. I later learned that rule #1 of bus riding is to keep your head down or look straight ahead and speak to no one unless you already knew them before you got on the bus. Yeah, I broke that rule a lot.

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Thursday, January 11, 2007

Adventures That Cost Less Than $20 (part b)

Much to my surprise, you can't just go back to the bus stop where you got off and expect to be taken back to your initial starting point. The good news is that there are bus route maps on most of the street lights down town. (I'd never noticed that before.)










We figured it out and got back on a bus that we hoped was going our way. We hadn't sat in the back of the bus yet so we headed on back.

Just as we reached the back, the bus pulled away with a start and Blondie was spun around the pole and into her seat. I said "Cool, let's pole dance."















For the sake of my upcoming Elder elections, I will not be posting pictures of me pole dancing on public transportation (if in fact any existed).















After a while, (by a while, I mean like 2 hours) the fun has worn off and we just wanna go home.














The driver passed the street he should have turned on to take us home. "Oh, he's just going to that shopping center and turn around before he goes down our street," said Blondie. But before he gets back to our street, he turns left and we all three jerk awake, knowing "Houston, we have a problem".


Blondie walks to the front and asks the driver, "So how many more stops until you go down our street?"

"This bus don't go down that street. You wanted to get on the 641," he tells her. We tell him that the driver on the 641 told us to get on this bus. He says that guy isn't the regular guy so he probably didn't know.

So now what?

"So, where does this bus go?" I asked the driver.

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Tuesday, January 09, 2007

Adventures That Cost Less Than $20 (part 1)

We had a discussion as to whether we should call the schedule phone number posted at the bus stop. I have no idea why either of them opposed calling for information. "I'm shy," said LP.

Finally, after 20 min., the bus comes back on our side of the street. We immediately confess we don't know what we're doing and that we've never ridden public transportation before. The driver was a very nice guy explained most of what we needed to know. (He did leave one important piece of info out, but I'll tell you what it was later.)

We deposit 80 cents each and this will get us a 2 hr. ride to the mall downtown.

I love the sign at the front of the bus that warns I could become flat as a pancake and end up with little x's over my eyes if I cross the street in front of the bus.



We chat with the driver, talk to other passengers, look out the windows, and listen to our ipods. LP freaks when I start to sing along outloud. (I just can't help it!)



BP decided to go incognito, hence the wig and glasses. She was trying out the theory that blondes have more fun.


We made it downtown and I asked the driver where we should get out for the mall.

"Two or three more stops, don't worry I'll tell you when," he says and at the next stop, he gets off the bus and a new driver jumps on and drives us away.

We know approx. where we are and decide not to risk it and exit the next time the bus stops.


We did pretty good and only had to walk a couple of blocks to the mall.



Don't ask me why but we all found this store front window captivating.









Here's proof that we made it to the Mall. Now, can we find our way home?

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Friday, January 05, 2007

Not Enough Time to Do It Justice

So I'll leave you with this teaser from the opening of:
"Adventures That Cost Less Than $20".













Me: Ahhh, the bus just passed us on the other side of the street. I think we missed the bus.
Blondie: No, we aren't on the wrong side of the street. The bus driver waved at me... like he was saying "I'll be right back for you."
Young Thing: Do my lips look swollen?

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Thursday, January 04, 2007

2007 Resolutions

3. Forgive
2. Stop Being Such a Grown-up
5. Celebrate
4. Be at Peace
1. Be Happy

My advice to you:
We’ve all been told “if you set your mind to it you can achieve anything”. Lies, all lies. I’ll never be a ballerina. I did take a couple of years of ballet before my mother had to come to terms with my lack of coordination. I knew from the first class that I wasn’t suited for ballet and I was only 5 years old. Find what you are suited for and plan how to achieve it.

I just started listing what I want for myself this year, hence the out of order numbering. I had to think about each one and ask myself, “What am I suited for?”

I am suited for happiness.

I’ve put hours into this one. In the shower shampooing my hair, stuck in rush hour traffic, mulling over how and why in those shadowy moments before sleep takes me. I don’t believe I deserve to be happy but after I examined “happiness”, I do think I am suited to be happy.

For most of my life I’ve confused pleasure with happiness. I got pleasure from ice cream but it never made me happy. I thought it made me happy but afterward I was definitely unhappy. So I ate ice cream again… so I could be happy.

True happiness can be sustained beyond the thing that produces it. I don’t enjoy disciplining my girls but the lasting effect is happiness when I see the results. I think in my earlier years sex was about pleasure, in the moment, feel good pleasure (like ice cream but better). But I’m learning, year by year, that love is about happiness, that feeling which is sustained beyond the act.

I think if I master #1, the rest of the list will fall into place.

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Wednesday, January 03, 2007

2 important things on the way... with a side of fries.

Ok, I've had blogger issues. Namely they moved me to google and google won't let me log on from home. Some crap about cookies. (For the record, I didn't have the cookies anywhere close to the computer, they were in the kitchen, except for the 12 lbs that my mother-inlaw sent us from Ohio but my dog ate 90% of them while I was at work.)

#1
I'm working on my New Year's resolution. Don't worry, it doesn't include losing weight, cleaning my house more, not swearing, giving up drinking Buttery Nipples in a tall glass, or anything like that.

#2
I have to compile all the photos of us girls' Most Exciting Adventure (of last week). Not to give too much away but it involves me, little princess, Big Princess, public transportation, a blonde wig, pole dancing, jump rope with an air hose, and having to call little princess' babysitting job for a ride.

I can't say any more or I'll give it away.
Nope.
Quit asking.
I'll have it ready in a day or so.

Ok, as a bonus, if you ask, I'll tell you about my vehicle getting robbed at 2:30 am and me running out and yelling at the 3 hoodlums in my pink pajamas and barefoot.
(Big Daddy says I don't know when to be afraid.)

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