On The Road Again

No, its not another family vacation... thank God. I'm in the field, as we call it at work, three hours from home. I spent the day in a small office training people. I enjoy going to the field. I enjoy training. I enjoy people.

The people in the field start their day much early and they're off much earlier than I'm used to in the corporate world. At 3:30 pm, they kicked me out. Me. Out.

I'm used to working til atleast 5 pm, then some gym time or shopping, maybe a meeting. I'm rarely home before 6:30 pm. Then I make dinner (ocassionally), do my chores (feed the kittens, read the mail, talk to the bird, etc), and get ready for work the next day.

Today I was free and clear at 3:30 pm. 3:30 pm people, do you hear me. And in a little bitty town where shopping consists of Wal-Mart. What to do?

I do have several friends in the area who usually join me for dinner or drinks. I started calling. They all knew I would be in town today. Meetings to attend, family obligations to see to, projects that couldn't be postponed, sudden out of town travel and one "I'm just too tired."

My paranoia sets in and I begin to weave a story that no one wants to hang out with me. "What did I do? Did I say something? Tell an off color joke? Do I smell! Just tell damnit! I can take it. Wait, no I can't."

Well, tomorrow I head an hour north for a Safety Meeting that starts at 8 am, then 2.5 hours northwest for a meeting and then 3.5 hours home. It will be a long day with lots of driving but atleast I'll have good company... me.

Peeing Your Pants for Fun and Profit

I was at a Safety Meeting in the tiny town of Edna. I would be speaking about Operator Qualifications to the field guys and area managers. Apparently everyone wants some of these guys time. Two corporate guys show up to discuss some of their issues with everyone too. Now these two are known for their ability to talk. If you are unlucky enough to be in a meeting with them, you'd better block out the rest of the day... cause they can talk forever.

So the safety meeting is about an hour, I get like 20 min., one of them delivers his speal over the next hour and finally Scooter starts.

It goes on and on. Its 30 min. past lunch time. My stomach is growling and my head is starting to spin but he continues spewing words. Then, he says the words that will forever cause me to pee my pants...

"Ya'll need to utilize the Measurement Dept. They're a wealth of knowledge and resources. I know when I'm here I like to milk Leonard."

I fell out of my chair laughing.

No one else even cracked a smile. I don't know if they were in a coma from listening to all of us pontificate on stuff they don't care that much about but that was the funniest shit I've ever heard.

So I go home that night and relate the story to the princesses and I get the giggles all over again. Later that same night I go into the kitchen and on the large dry erase board on the wall I find:

I procede to pee my pants for about the 3rd time that day.

Quit Taking Yourself So Seriously... seriously.

1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? yes, after my grandmother, she died when my mom was 10 yrs old.

2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? Its been awhile, maybe 9 months ago.

3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? Its never been good, I usually print.

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT? Turkey with avocado and sprouts on whole wheat.

5. WHAT COLOR ARE YOUR FINGER OR TOE NAILS? Electric green toe nails (my niece picked it out for me)

6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? Totally, I'm lot's of fun.

7. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT? Duh, no... wait, yes.

8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? Yes, I like to call them Bob and Todd.

9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? No, I have no desire to pee my pants.

10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL? I'm not fond of cold cereal but I do like oatmeal.

11. DO YOU UN-TIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? Not unless I have to, the cats will untie them for me later.

12. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? Heck yeah, I'm a super hero in my spare time.

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM? Vanilla with coffee being a close 2nd.

14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE? How they hold themselves, confident or wall flower.

15. RED OR PINK? Sky Blue Pink, I'm a girly super hero.

16. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? My inability to hide my emotions. You can read my face easily.

17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? My dad and my uncle Vin but I'll see them again when we all meet up in the fun part of Heaven.

18. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO SEND THIS BACK TO YOU? What I really want is everyone to send me $1.

19. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? Jeans and fabulous, new, bought them on vacation for an incredible low price, black sandals.

20. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE? Protein breakfast bar, chocolate peppermint stick.

21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? ipod, Meatloaf "Two outta Three Ain't Bad

22. IF YOU WHERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? Nude

23. FAVORITE SMELLS? Hay, leather, tobacco - reminds me of hanging out in the barn and good looking cowboys.

24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? Davie, my dog (well, he thinks he's a person)

25. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU? Absolutely, I wish I got to talk to her every day and see her more often than I do cause she rocks.

26. HOBBIES? 7th grade homework, fighting crime, crocheting

27. HAIR COLOR? Somewhat Blonde

28. EYE COLOR? Blue , green or grey depending on what color my shirt is.

29. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? Yes, special super hero contacts that let me see if someone has clean underwear on.

30. FAVORITE FOOD? All food that doesn't bite me back.

31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS? I love comedies cause I always want more laughter in my life.

32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? Over the Hedge with my 6 yr old niece and my daughters. I'm not sure who laughed more, me or them.

33. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? military green babydoll.

34. SUMMER OR WINTER? Fall cause its not too hot, not too cold and has my birthday in it.

35. HUGS OR KISSES? Hugs from friends, kisses from my man.

36. FAVORITE DESSERT? All dessert is my favorite.

37. MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND? Which of you are most likely to send me $1?

38. LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND? Who cares, you are starting to bore me.

39. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW? None, cause I'm pretty sure Cosmo isn't a book.

40. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? Water ripples

41. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON T.V. LAST NIGHT? Rad Girls with my rad girls.

42. FAVORITE SOUND? When someone's baby stops crying in public and everyone sighs in relief.

43. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES? Like them both about the same and how dare you make me pick. Why don't you just ask me which daughter I love more? (Its you, honey.)

44. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME? Home is where your heart is and I like to take my heart with me.

45. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT? My girls say its my ability to start a conversation with anyone, anywhere, on any topic and come off sounding like I've known them for years and I know what I'm talking about. I think my special talent is my Nascar-like driving skills.

46. WHERE WERE YOU BORN? Cornfields of Indiana

Now wasn't that fun?

Back to Normal Insanity

We are home... at last. And everyone is alive... still.

I didn't have access to a computer built after 1984 for the rest of the trip, but on the up side, neither did I have to sleep in any more bunk beds either.

Cuyahoga Falls:
We went to the Rock N Roll Hall of Fame and who knew you'd have to spend 12 hrs reading to be able to enjoy it. After 6 hrs, little princess says "I'm all rocked out, can we go?"

Nephew wasn't bad like I was led to believe. In fact he was cute and both kids were pretty well behaved. Best news, we got the king bed and my sis-inlaw/husband took the sofa. They are now our sole beneficiaries and get everything when we die.

Indiana:
Big Daddy and I slept in the basement on a combo pullout sofa/air mattress. The girls had the guest room upstairs. My mom's husband (henceforth referred to as "Ahole") performed just as I thought he would. He waits to find one of us alone and then bitches about something we have done to personally ruin his life by visiting.

Day trip to the Dunes at Lake Michigan was lovely. I enjoyed showing the princesses something from my childhood that I actually enjoyed. My brother brought his new girlfriend and her daughter with us. (He says she's not his girlfriend but she lives with him and provides no income. I call that a live-in hooker.) The water was only 58 degrees but the beach was hot. Big Princess managed to lock herself in a changing room and I had to get a park ranger to come in the women's room and bust her out.

Day trip to Chicago to see the Museum of Science and Industry. Cool stuff. We took the extended tour and played CSI. Then off to see the Cubs at Wrigley field. Parking was $40-$25 and some of the people trying to sell parking looked like they might not have had the authority to do so and were just taking people's money. We enjoyed the classic baseball game; hot dogs, foam finger, hats, pizza, nachos, beer, peanuts, cotton candy. Then it happened, CUBS WIN, CUBS WIN! For a Cubs fan at his first Wrigley game, it doesn't get better than that. I think I saw a tear in Big Daddy's eye before he splashed his face with beer to hide the fact that he was all choked up.

Then off to see Big Daddy's grandparents in Omaha. We received word that grandma was just diagnosed with lung cancer and we needed to get there. Physically she looked good but mentally she was fading fast. (I understand this has been over the course of the last year.) She asked us like 80 times if we wanted a pop (soft drink). She also had false memories of Big Daddy going places as a kid with them. He gently tried to tell her that she must be thinking of someone else as he had never been there.

And for the grand finale we drove 17 hrs straight home. I called the milkman, who watched the pets/house for us to let him know we were home and he apologized for the mess. He had planned to come over before we got home and clean up. Apparently the cats were playing Lord of the Flies and had taken over the house, creating all kinds of mess.

I got up the next morning and went to work. My boss said, "I thought you would take today off."

I think I've had enough family, thanks.

I'd like some cheese with my whine.

So yesterday Big Daddy seemed to wake up in a pissy mood. I later found out it was just towards me and he spent the whole day not talking to me.

I asked his sister what exit the WalMart was at and she said about 40 miles west at Bridge Street. "Why?"

"Oh I just need to get a couple of things."

"Like what?"

"Ice, stuff for the road."

"Like what?"

"Ummm, just stuff."

What the hell? Who cares what I want. I just want to go to WalMart without the 3rd degree.

We've caused a new water shortage all on our own. The cistern is down to 750 gallons. We've used 1,250 gallons in 6 days. The cistern of 2,000 gallons should last them about a month. So no one showered yesterday. We all put on our swimsuits after lunch, piled into two cars, and headed 40 miles in to town to the community pool. I brought soap, shampoo, and a razor, figuring we could wash up after swimming.

We get there and it looks really nice, high drive board, spiral slide, blue water. But why are there no people at the pool? Its like 93 degrees, blistering by midwest standards. Low and behold, it doesn't open until this weekend. So I figure we are headed back to the house but no, they stop at WalMart. I have to put my foot down. I am NOT shopping at WalMart in my swimsuit! "Didn't you bring clothes to change into?" I did but the shorts will not fit over my swim skirt.

On the upside, we leave today.

I'll miss the birds. Five feet from where I have my morning coffee, I watch woodpeckers of various sizes and colors, walk vertically up trees. Blue Jays, Cardinals, Red-headed Nuthatches, Yellow Finches, Robins (I haven't seen a Red Breasted Robin in San Antonio in 15 yrs.) and various other birds of color eat from bird feeders.

Last night at 9:30 pm EST it was still light out. Not mid-day light but still light enough to see everything clearly. I watched lightening bugs put on a mini fireworks show. I woke up this morning at 6:30 am and the sun was fully up. Now that's a lot of day light hours.

I'll miss my little 7 yr. old niece, Jelly Bean. She is just too cute and living way out in the boondocks, has no playmates. She just loved having us here. I went to her room yesterday afternoon and played Barbies. Before long the 2 princesses joined us in the 3 foot pile of barbies and accessories. Jelly Bean was in heaven. She has promised to draw and send me pictures. In return, I promised to put them on my refrigerator and send her a picture of my fridge. I haven't seen Jelly Bean since she was an infant with with one side of her head being flat. Her head has rounded out nicely in the last 6 yrs. and she is beautiful. (I had my doubts 6 yrs. ago.)

Favorite thing she's said this week:

Her mother asked her if she'd brushed her hair and Jelly Bean just stood there looking at her. "Jelly Bean, I told you to go brush your hair and you went in the bathroom and just fooled around. Didn't you?"

Jelly Bean cocked her head to the side and said, "I don't understand what you mean?"

Well, we've been given the green light to wipe out the remaining 500 gallons of water by showering before we leave today at noon for little sister's house. Oh goody, now I get to hang with my 2 yr. old nephew, who has been described as spoiled, a pain, and loud. Next vacation just book me a room at a local mental health facility with good access to drugs.

In case you thought I was joking...

View from the front door looking left.

















View from the front door looking right.


There is about 5 foot of lawn behind the house before it climbs up at a 45 degree angle and is densely covered with trees.

Wait, I think I forgot to mention...

Fact #1
We had no water for the first three days here. We had to fetch buckets of water from the rain barrels to be able to flush the toilets. Little princess is constipated because she's afraid to poop. They called the plumber and of course he was 8+ hrs late but after a couple of hours watching him crawl around under the house, we now have water. This is good because there were 11 stinky people here and the 15 foot pile of dirty laundry was threatening to walk to town.

Fact #2
Big Daddy and I are sleeping on bunkbeds. Yes, bunkbeds. Little princess is sharing a top bunk with her 7 yr. old cousin and Big Princess is sleeping on an air matress that is flat every morning. We may be the youngest people in this house but each morning as we try to mobilize we look worse than the residents of a nusing home.

Fact #3
There is nothing to do here. The girls and I have given each other pedicures, filed off the callus' on our feet, done manicures, facials and masks. We drove the 45 min. to town and shopped the thrift stores. Big Princess did find a Pop Up Video board game for $1 and 2 wigs for $2 each. We were going to go to a state park today that featured a train and waterfalls but the internet has been down for 24+ hours and our family couldn't remember how to get there. We do however, eat... all the time. I may gain 15 lbs. over the 6 days we're here. Tomorrow is our last full day and the big thing on the agenda is going to the pool (which I have yet to see) and taking grandma to get an orange rose bush. Yee haw!

Then we're off for a weekend in Columbus with Big Daddy's little sister, her football coach husband, her 6 yr. old daughter and 2 yr. old son. I see at least a couple of stories coming from this visit.

Fact #4
At least little sister is letting us sleep in their king size bed and they'll take the pull out sofa. I didn't bother to ask about where the girls will sleep. Who cares? I'll be in a real bed.

Hush Money

Well, it was stressful to get out of the office for vacation. The closer it got, the more I realized needed to be done. But we made it out of town Friday about noon and all the way to Hope, AR the first night. Day 2 was Elizabeth, KY and that only left 4 hrs of driving on Sunday to reach Ohio.

I decided to pay the girls $5 each per day if they didn't make me swear at them. They are calling it hush money and the promise of $100 each is making them play nice. Big Daddy and I, on the other hand, have not earned our $5 a day. His driving is driving me crazy, tailgating, excessive swerving, can't stay in his lane. He says, "Do you really think your driving is any better?" Well, I don't think I made you pee your pants when I was driving, now did I?

We show up during Brother-in-law's retirement (from the Navy) party. Great, we know no one, we're tired, and hungry. A one point, I look over at Big Princess and mouth the words, "kill me now." She replies,"No, me first." There really isn't much to do here besides visit with the family. When we get to Indiana we have buttloads of fun things planned, Chicago Cubs game, day trip to Lake Michigan Dunes, shopping in Amish country.

But for now we are forced to relax and do "nothing" and it ain't easy.