Alternate Universe

I heard this on the news this morning. A small plane crashed in the Michigan peninsula. The pilot had radioed he was experiencing engine problems and was circling the airport. Investigators are puzzled as to the cause of the crash.


Hello? Could it have been anything to do with engine problems?

Ok, I needed to check on Big Princess’ FASFA (federal something or other necessary to go to college). I call the company we have keeping us on track for the last four years.

“We are experiencing a larger than usual call volume. Please hold, your call will be answered in the order it was received. Wait time is now 12 minutes.”

I can’t just be sitting on hold for 12 minutes. That’s a life time of waste. Twelve minutes here, twelve minutes there. So I decide to multi-task and start returning short calls on my cell phone. You know, where I just need to tell them I received it and thanks. First call I make, I start talking and boom, the other line picks up. It’s been like 2 minutes.

What happened to 12? Are they on a different type of time? Did so many people get pissed and hang up that I was catapulted to #1?

Now I’m trying to run two conversations and I just sound like an idiot. There is something to be said for patiently holding for 12 minutes. Not really, I think I’ll just do some paperwork instead of trying to make calls next time.

New Version 2005.a

It's that time of year to start thinking about what I want for myself in the coming year. Not resolutions. Those are only made to be broken. And, then I feel bad that I failed. No!

I'm spending some time thinking about the perfect me, or at least a better version. I quit smoking this year and that was about it for changes. It took every thing I had. No, that's not true. I learned to crochet. That was pretty big too. My mom had tried to teach me serveral times so I thought I just couldn't learn how. Surprise, I couldn't learn from her. Hey, she is the one who taught me to smoke.

New Version 2005.a
Gotta work on swearing, I sound like a truck driver sometimes. I initially began it as a way to not smack my children when I got angry. I could just leave the room and swear, I didn't have to smack them like my mom did us kids. I need to get beyond this and use swearing as it was intended to be used.

Weight issues: I refuse to diet since it has the word die in it. This will take some additional thought. I should probably approach it like I did quitting smoking. Find my triggers, make plans for coping, and take each day as it comes. Ooops, and pray like crazy for help from above.

Wow, those are two big changes. Probably ought to stop there. I can always issue New Version 2005.a1 mid year.

I can't friggin believe it

My first attempt at crocheting a hat looks like a breast warmer (complete with nipple). Come on, I've made more than 30 scarves and 4 blankets this year. While I don't consider myself an expert, I really thought I could figure out how to make shapes other than flat.

I followed the recipe (you probably call them directions) and it did seem small but I thought "Hey, maybe its for a baby." It won't even freaking fit on the cats. I tried.

Three or four days of spare time to make a "C" cup. I can't friggin believe it.

Peas and Carrots

I almost forgot the best part of Christmas eve. As the brief service came to an end, RLP told us to turn to each other and say "Peace of Christ be with you" and the reply was "And also with you".

Having grown up in Catholic church I was familiar with this tradition but poor little princess didn't pay close attention and had never seen us do this before. She turned to the gentleman on her right, grasped his hand, and announced "Peas and carrots for you" and shrugged her shoulders in an "I don't have a clue" kind of way.

On the way home, my husband said "You just can't read the bible and understand it. I need someone to translate it for me." I explained that was why most of us where in church. He further shared with me that "RLP made the bible make sense for him but that he never preached long enough".

Ha! Ha! I'm not sure that any pastor has ever heard those words spoken sincerely.

New Years and old fears

Only one more holiday to get thru…

Then maybe my moods will even out and I won’t be so testy all the time. I have had periods of calm and joy but the bad times have been so very dark. I have either wanted to smote everyone around me or curl up and cry (mostly smote people). It’s these damn expectations. I have them for people around me and get let down (smote). Others have expectations of me and I let them down (cry).

Thank the Lord that New Year’s is not about giving or caring. I don’t have to cook, shop, or even clean. In past years we’ve gathered with friends for mild drinking and reminiscing. This year I’m not sure we’ll even do that.

I do always spend it with my husband, some superstition about who ever you’re with at the stroke of midnight, you’ll be with in the new year. I’m not so sure that its true but after 17 years why risk it.

I’m trying to convince my husband we should really go out. Ok, here’s my real plan: run by and have drinks at a couple of friends’ home, 2 or 3 at most, by then Big Princess should be off work. Now that she is 18 I’d like to go somewhere she could go with us. Hey, its hard to drink liquor, smoke dope, or have sex while hanging with your folks. Then end the night by picking up little princess and hiking up Comanche Hill at midnight to see the fireworks. Home and in bed no later than 1 pm. Well, that’s my plan.

The holidays always bring me down

Well, I got everything I asked my family for Christmas, socks, crockpot, electric knife, fish tank stuff, air freshners. Big Princess even surprised me with a black rabbit fur scarf that I have always had my eye on but couldn’t justify buying for myself. It says ‘Made in China” and its made of little balls of rabbit fur, so it must be made of Chinese rabbit balls. Everyone was very please with her gifts, a pretty pink jacket for little princess, a power tie for Big Daddy. We had duck for dinner. It didn't suck. Big Princess' prayer over the meal did suck.

Big Daddy doesn’t attend church with us but a couple times a year. I asked him to go with us Christmas Eve. He said yes and that was a present to me. Service was small since so many were traveling and short, only about 35 minutes. He is always amazed to learn something new but not enough to actually attend church on a regular basis. It’s the people he dislikes. Not personally but just in general. He says that if we could just go to service, no Sunday School, and just leave immediately, he’d go to church. It’s all that caring and talking to each other he wants no part of.

To me that’s all church is, caring and talking. Anyone can sit home and read a bible. It’s the community I crave. Maybe its because my family growing up was so disfunctional that I need to surround myself with people who actually care about me. No, that can’t be it. I don’t really have any deep meaningful relationships at church. I don’t hang with those people outside of church, share meals outside of church, attend parties at their homes. But maybe that’s why I go to church, because I want to have people who actually care about me (i.e., deep meaningful relationships).

Don’t get me wrong, I have relationships with people from church but not deep outside of church relationships. I want to. But due to my upbringing I’m not sure how one goes about starting or maintaining this type relationship.

Hard Questions at 37

My brother called. Being a cross country truck driver doesn’t give him many friends. So when he needs someone to vent to, its usually me. He started by telling me about how he had to kick Hooters girl out of his mobile home. He had invited her in so the place wouldn’t be empty for weeks on end when he’s on the road. He had very specific rules and she broke everyone of them. He is annal about rules but she understood them prior to breaking them so I don’t blame him for being pissed. (No one was to use the toilet in his bathroom, so he taped a hair to the closed lid.)

However, he did ask her to leave the week before Christmas and only gave her about four days to find another place and she does have a small child. Apparently things got ugly and she is related to his Dad’s girlfriend. So my brother calls his dad and the girlfriend to come over and fix things. He proceeds to yell at his Dad’s girlfriend and get into a fight with his Dad too.

I have long warned my brother that some day he was gonna wanna know why our parents did the crappy things they have done to us. My break through happened in my early 30’s. I told my mom I wasn’t going to lie to her any more. She was not welcome to her grandchildren while she was married to an alcoholic or while she thought calling them names and putting them down built character.

For my brother, he wanted to know why his father always took the side of poor excuses for women over him. Why his Dad never came to visit him and his wife when they miscarried his only true grandchild and yet his dad visits ex-wife’s children’s babies. My brother deserves to know these things. They weigh heavy on his heart. He deserves a father who will stand up for him over all else. He has asked me these questions for years and I always tell him I don’t know.
Apparently year 37 is the year little brother becomes unafraid to ask the hard questions. I haven’t warned him that the answers don’t make you feel better instantly. It takes several years to understand the answers and several more to come to terms and where necessary forgive.

Dis and Dat, maybe I will, maybe I won't

I’m off work Thursday and Friday and I want to do something with the princesses but something that doesn’t cost much. Little princess and I have dental appointments first thing Thursday and I’m supposed to work the bingo hall from 12-2 pm for the Lions Club and then Big princess has to work at 5 pm. So what to do? Big Daddy gets no time off. He may get off a little early on Friday (Christmas eve) but by then everything is closed.

I got an email from a friend, her husband left her and the kids last night. He thinks she is having an affair, she swears she’s not. I don’t know how to help. I’m afraid of getting caught in the middle. I make excuses to myself, “I don’t have any training in family counseling.” I still feel like I should do something, DO SOMETHING. I probably won’t do anything but maybe I will.

Tomorrow is my brother’s birthday. He’s vacationing at my mom’s until Christmas. I’ll call him and wish him Happy Birthday. I still haven’t spoken to him since we had the big fight over Christmas gifts. I haven’t decided if I’ll apologize for getting bent out of shape and losing my cool. I still feel the same way about his crying broke so he won’t have to give presents, so I won’t be apologizing for that. Mom made some of the same noise about being poor but she still sent a check. I still say “Hell, don’t buy me anything if you don’t feel it in your heart.” Actually, I’m a little offended by checks and cash. To me it says, I don’t know or care about you enough to try and buy you a gift.

We’ve got church tonight, just a meal and maybe some caroling. I’m feeling odd man out at church lately and I don’t know why. I’m sure it’s just me. Mostly it’s just on Wed. nights I feel left out. I find myself alone at a table. I look around, everyone else is sitting with someone and talking. I’ve tried combating this by a.) sitting with my children and b.) sitting with any children available. Ha, I’m all grown up and still sitting at the kid’s table.

I’m looking forward to relaxing over the holidays. Who knows maybe I’ll write, maybe I won’t. We’ll see…
In case I don’t, Merry Christmas. May you feel Christ’s breath upon your soul.

Gift Update

One last full day left before the office closes for Christmas. All people in my department have given me gifts. I asked one manager “Why did you get me something?” He said “Because my wife said I had to.”

I have received a gift card to Target, a candle, a small trinket box, a bath & body works gift set with lotion, bubble bath, spray and shower gel in an amazing coconut lime scent, and a sloan/hall gift set with a bar of soap and shower gel (this appears to be a rather expensive gift based on packaging). Oops, almost forgot the pound of raw peanuts with recipes.

Most people have left the office today, officially (taking vacation) or unofficially (Ahhh, I have some work to do in the field). So tomorrow it will be only me in the department. I’m figuring most departments will only have one person ‘holdin down the fort’. Two of my bosses have unofficially left a day early. Hey, they both put in more hours than I want or plan to do, so more power to them. I have no problems spending the day by myself.

I’ll catch up on filing and get everything in shape for the new year, start the OSHA 300 reports for all locations and SARA Title III reports. Wow, I don’t have that kind of time. All that would take a week or more. No sense in starting something I won’t have time to finish…

The Problem With Giving

And so it has begun. A lady in the office whom I rarely converse with gave me a Christmas gift today. I’ve only been here six months so I’m not sure what protocol is in regards to gifts. So far everyone else has just brought homemade goodies but there is still the dangerous week just prior to Christmas.

I really dislike the person who gives a gift on the very last day at the very last hour. There is no way to pull off the unplanned reciprocal gift at this point.

I have a problem with giving because you feel you have to give something. That is what most United Way programs are like in offices. It leaves most people feeling robbed. I have truly started listening to my heart and giving of myself for a greater good. But now I feel sucked into commercial gift giving with no meaning behind it.

Now don’t get me wrong, I like my co-workers but they are not my family. Just like I save my lips for kisses only from my husband (everyone else gets a cheek), I reserve the right to give gifts to only those I choose and not out of guilt because I received one. Even my extended family has drawn the line and requested gift giving amongst the children only. (see previous entry regarding my scrooge brother)

Please, I pray, don’t let my bosses gift me. I have nothing planned for them let alone my co-workers.

R.I.P. - Sick Days

I’ve been sick for six days now. The first three days I plodded along trying to get thru each day. By the end of day three I took to my bed for the next two days. Don’t get sick at my house cause no one checks on you. Big Daddy said he was letting me rest. “What, forever?”

Little princess did come in to check on me. I don’t know if she caught it then or all ready had it but then she was down for the count. So I had to muster a little strength to care for her. I’m feeling much better on day six but I’m way behind in everything I need to do both at work and home.

I actually felt guilty for laying in bed doing nothing. It’s been awhile since I’ve had permission to do nothing. It’s not easy. I think it might be easier to “do nothing” if I schedule it into my daytimer, then it becomes a task.

Note to self: schedule week to be sick each December.

My Best Friend speaks another language

I bought little princess a dog translator for Christmas. You are supposed to place the translator on the collar and when the dog barks it will be translated into English on the handheld receiver. Now little princess is more of a cat person but I think she’ll get a kick out of it. We occasionally shut off the TV and make up what we think the pets are saying to us and each other. Its way more entertaining than anything on TV.

My dog Davey could use some prozac or at the very least counseling. My husband says that if I’m not home Davey runs to the window every time a car goes by. As soon as I come home he’s like a small child excited that mommy has come back for him. He follows me around with his nose glued to my butt cheek.

From room to room we go, together. If I try to close him out of the bathroom he puts his nose to the crack at the bottom of the door and huffs. I usually just let him in and treat him like my shadow. I do draw the line at showering together. But his concession is that he checks behind the curtain several times to make sure I didn’t escape him via a hidden trap door in the shower. He does respect my modesty. If I am naked, he won’t look. He’ll turn his back or if that’s not possible he’ll keep his head down and eyes down cast.

At least I hope it’s that and not that he’s grossed out by seeing me naked.

Went on a field trip today

Boss picked me up at 6:30 am. Ugh, I usually am just getting up at this point. Have I mentioned, I’m not a morning person?

Two hour drive to one of the field offices. I’m told to bring cookies so that the field guys will like me. I bet no one ever suggested this to any man in the company. I do what I do best, sarcasm. I bake two dozen chocolate cookies in the shape of cat turds and roll them in nuts to look like kitty litter. Trust me, they are the best cat turds ever!

Observe a 15 minute meeting. The whole point of the trip is for me to meet the field personnel and the excuse is a 15 min. meeting that could have been done on the phone.

Take tour of plant. I don my company issued hardhat for the first time and plug in the best earplugs I’ve ever used. Now I can’t hear a damn thing the guy is explaining to me during the one-hour tour. I nod my head a lot. It’s still pretty interesting and I’m starting to figure out what goes where and when. Good thing there isn’t a beauty pageant after lunch cause the hard hat has thoroughly crushed my Texas bangs and I have an excellent case of helmet head.

Take manager out to lunch on company. Dude knows everyone who walks thru the door. Sheriff comes over to see who we are. Small towns gotta love them. We are introduced and the sheriff asks what we are doing in this neck of the woods. I reply we are here to see the cows and maybe do some cow tipping. I have got to learn to shut my mouth.

Three hour drive home. The manager sends us on a short cut thru the countryside that adds 20 lbs of mud to the company vehicle and takes an extra hour.

All said, I had a good time, can’t wait for the next field trip.

Hanging with the boys

Sometimes, for no reason, the boys will invite me to lunch. Today they searched me out. I was working on acquisitions in the conference room. “Hey, wanna eat enchiladas?”

(Duhh) “I’ve only got $5 cash on me.” “No worries, company’s buying.”

So five executives and me head out for Mexican. I have to fight the corporate attorney for the middle seat in the mini van. He really wanted me to sit up front but as least ranking I felt obligated to bring up the rear. (Chivalry’s not dead)

I’m never sure why I’m there. They generally talk about hunting, fishing, business while I sit there silently. And all conversations generally reference people I’ve never met so even the great stories are lost on me. But hey, a free lunch is a free lunch. Plus, I get to observe the male mind at its best, men relating to other men about men stuff while eating men food. Ha, it’s only a couple steps from actually being in the men’s locker room.

Today one gentleman was trying to figure out how to get out of going somewhere with his wife. He was bouncing ideas off the guys. “How about, ‘Honey, it would be better for me if …” The other guys were taking bets as to if he would arrive at the deer blind before or after her plane actually left the ground.

And what do you think he is trying to escape? The inlaws, a wedding, children, Disneyland? No, a football game. Some bowl game in California. He doesn’t want to fly into LAX and be mobbed because they’re wearing orange. He’s concerned about overbooking by the airlines since they’re flying back Jan. 2nd. He’s afraid his wife will be pissed because he wants her to go with her oldest daughter so he can go hunting.

He tried “How about if I tell her daughter that it’s a Christmas gift to her for being so nice? I can tell my wife that I think she deserves to go on the trip with her mother.”

He didn’t really ask for my opinion but I had sat there quietly for 20 minutes. “I saw on the news this morning a new study has put out a list of things that make women happy. Having sex was number one. You should tell her then. Spending time with the children didn’t make the Top 10 so I wouldn’t push taking the daughter as a plus.” Wow, I don’t know if it was the word sex or just my actually saying something but from then on I was “in”. Finally, we had a conversation I could participate in. I should try to work the word sex into more conversations…

Grumpy

I feel grumpy!

Everyone is pissing me off. This is usually a sign that it's me and not everyone. It could be a little PMS but it's probably more like PHS (pre holiday syndrome). It could also have something to do with the fact that we are out of toilet paper on four floors and I've had to pee for 3 hours. Traffic better be moving on the way home...

Holiday Rubber-necking

Rubber-Necking: going about to look at places of interest

Extreme Rubber-Necking: Parking and getting out to observer the accident up close

If you really want to speed up traffic passing the accident site put up a sign "construction workers at work -- reduce speed."

Saturday Little princess and I had handbell choir at 3 pm and had been out shopping. We needed to eat but I didn’t have any cash so my usual solution is to head to KFC, one of the few fast food joints that will take a check.

As we approached the KFC I could tell something was going on, traffic was stopped across two lanes and the oncoming traffic was not oncoming. I decided to go through the strip center parking lot as were several other cars. “Ummm, I wonder if traffic is being routed through the parking lot. If so, it must be a bad accident.”

I then noticed the line of traffic not cutting across the parking lot but parking in front of the KFC and getting out of their cars. Families, teens, people putting babies in strollers and all heading not toward the KFC but towards the street. “What the…, is there a parade or maybe it’s a really big sale across the street.”

No, it was a motorcycle vs. pickup truck accident.

We went into KFC and ordered. I asked the cashier, “pretty bad accident, huh?” “Yeah, he was doing like 50 mph and popped a wheelie when a truck turned in front of him. He broke his leg and pelvis. And when his brother finds out he wrecked his motorcycle, he’s gonna get his other leg broken. But he’s conscious. That’s good.”

Wow, so much for idle chit chat. Little princess wanted to go look out the window to see if she could see the accident. She claimed she could see his toes wiggling out the back of the ambulance. Most of what we could see were rubber neckers. We ate fast so we wouldn’t be late to handbells. I couldn’t see the accident but I enjoyed watching the crowd. Who would seriously pull over, park, get the family out, set up the stroller, get the baby out of the car and into the stroller, push it across the parking lot, all to check out an accident. Gee, I know there’s not much on TV but dang, rent a movie.

All I want for Christmas...

My brother called last night around 8:30 pm. I had just walked in the door for the first time that night. I had been to dinner at church, wrapped the last of the presents for the families I adopted for Christmas and stopped at the Girl Scout meeting to sign permission for the princess’ to sell cookies (yea, thin mints!).

“I thought we agreed not to exchange presents for Christmas this year?”

He has previously said his finances are really tight this year. He is a cross-country truck driver with no wife, no girlfriend, no kids, no pets, and no plants. Last week he told me how he spent $1,200 on Nascar race tickets. That’s one weekend of racing in Ft. Worth, $1,200. That OK by me after all he loves it and its what he and his dad enjoy doing together. Like I said, he’s got no one else to spend his money on. He might as well enjoy himself.

“Why are you bringing this up, brother?”

“Well, Mom said you sent her a Christmas list today and I don’t know why you did this after we agreed not to exchange gifts this year.”

“First, I did not send Mom a Christmas list today and second, when the hell did Mom decide we weren’t exchanging gifts? You and I have talked about not exchanging gifts. Since when is Mom not exchanging gifts?”

“Well, I just know that her finances are really tight this year.”

“Look, I will buy presents for who ever I freaking feel like. I never give a gift with the expectation I will receive one back. So buy me a gift or don’t! I don’t freakin’ care! And what do you mean finances are tight this year? Mom and her husband just came back from 10 days in Vegas over Thanksgiving and took a helicopter ride into the Grand Canyon. You just told me about dropping $1,200 on one weekend of racing. Look, I just got home and I’ve still got to get my chores done for tomorrow, bye.”

“You’re not going to buy me a present, are you?”

I know my brother; he immediately called Mom and repeated our conversation. I imagine I’ll be hearing from her soon.

I told my girls of the conversation and that if either of them called I was not in. “For how long Mom?” Until after Christmas…

It’s been almost 12 hours since that call and I’m still pissed. Freaking make me some cookies or draw me a friggin picture. Neither of them has bought me anything special in the last 10 years that I can remember. The best thing I’ve received in the last ten years was for my birthday the two of them got together and burn their old cd’s and gave them to me. That was pretty cool and didn’t cost them much at all.

I can’t figure out if I’m mad or sad… I do know that I will buy presents for them if I freaking want to!

Cheese found

Hey, guess where my lost slice of cheese was? In my daytimer under today's date. I had flipped the page when my boss and I were discussing next week's meetings. I guess that should be a lesson, "When you are lost, flip back to today."

Crisis over and my office won't smell really bad when I return next week. Oh, did I mention that I've work my vacation days out so that I don't have to work a full week from mid Nov. thru the rest of this year. I'm off on all Fridays from hear on out! My plan is to sleep in (don't get to do this on weekends), bake (we'll see if I really get around to this), and take care of holiday stuff (like decorating, shopping and wrapping).

Where's the cheese?

I brought my breakfast to work this morning. I love something hot at my desk for breakfast. Why don't I just eat a hot breakfast at home? Because I'm not awake. It takes me exactly 47 minutes to exit my bed, let the dog out, get ready for work, let dog in, feed dog & ferrets and exit my domicile. Don't talk during this period. No One Speak! I'm not a morning person. (duh!)

Usually I eat breakfast at work, a cereal bar or oatmeal in a stryfoam cup. If I'm treating myself, I'll stop for tacos! If I'm feeling sluggish, I head for Starbucks and take out a small loan for a large coffee.

Today I brought 2 little sausage biscuits and a piece of cheese. I arrive early at 7:40 so I'm not eating when everyone else get's to the office. My phone is ringing already, I don't even have my computer or lights on yet. Hell, that's what I get for returning calls after 5 pm yesterday. My boss is going out of town but leaving from the office so he's here early too and dropping things off at my desk.

Crap, it's 8:30 am now. I heat my biscuit and get back to my desk. Where's the slice of cheese? I start looking everywhere on my desk. I go back (even though I know I didn't take it with me) and check the breakroom. Not there. Check my desk, lifting piles of papers and files. No.

So I just call out "I lost my cheese!"

I hear in reply "Who moved her cheese?"

I swear I've looked everywhere and my cheese is gone...