They'll Never Track Little Princess Down

I bought a GPS system today as an early Christmas present to me. Thank you Me! You always know just what I want!

I'd done the research and wanted the one with the best out of the box features. So we get in the car and it took longer to get it out of the box than to set it up and plug in our first destination. Little Princess and I were mesmerized as the female robot voice told us exactly where to go.

"Look mom, you don't even have to look at the road... you can just look at the screen. But I don't recommend that. You could crash."

"Yeah, I think I'll just watch the road and listen to where she tells me to go."

"Let's give her a name. Let's call her Gladys."

"No, I'm gonna call her Rosie."

"No, call her Gladys. I don't like Rosie."

"She reminds me of Rosie the Robot, from the Jetson's. Watch her freak out when I don't make this next turn. I told her we were going home but we're really going to Petland."

"Look, she knows what time we'll arrive at our destination. The time stopped while we are sitting at the red light."

"Huh, that's weird. How does she know were aren't moving...?"

"The statilite tracking...?"

"Oh yeah, that makes sense. Wow, Rosie knows exactly where I'm at and what time it is."

"That's why I only pay cash and don't have a GPS."

Now why didn't I think of that, Little Princess?

I Broke All My "Rules of Behavior"

1. No getting Shit Faced
2. No Dancing
3. No Swimsuit

Obey these rules and no one can talk smack about you the next day.


It started with the usual Friday morning conference call... except I called in from home. I immediately left for the salon and got my locks curled while Big Princess fetched me a latte from Starbucks. Then off to the airport for Houston. The calls started flying.


"Are you going?" (Hell yes!)

"Who else is coming?" (Only the IT dept. that I'm aware of)

"What time will you be here?" (I should be to the hotel by 4:30)

"Who's your date?" (My girlfriend from Baytown)

"What are you wearing?" (Not sure yet, I brought 2 dresses)

"What time are you showing up?" (The party starts at 7:30 so I plan to be there by 8 pm)


I called my friend and left a message, "Are we meeting today or are you blowing me off... again?"


He called back before my plane left the ground. He got hung up and was not going to make it. Hell, he didn't even think he'd make it to the party. So instead of checking into the hotel around 4 pm, I got there at 1 pm, grabbed some lunch and started to do some work. It was not to be. My date arrived first and then everyone else started to arrive and congregate in my room.


I was stewing about him cancelling another meeting and not being at the party after I drug his Christmas present all this way. Someone asked why I was here so much earlier than anticipated and I explained the cancelled meeting and it got me more fired up. "Fuck him! I don't even care what he needs help with... he can do it himself. Hell, open his damn gift, rip that paper girl. We are drinking his Christmas present." And with that we killed a bottle of Crown XO before the party started.

We finally shoo'd my friends out so we could get ready for the party. I brought two dresses and we decided on the red one. My date brought 4 dress and 6 pairs of shoes. It took much longer to help her decide what to wear. We made the party at 8 pm after picking up a coworker and his girlfriend. We ate, continued drinking and I think I dirty danced (do to the soreness of my thighs the next day). Not quite, sure as things start to get a little fuzzy at this point. The formal party ended at midnight and we all headed to the after party at a favorite bar. I remember 2 more drinks and then, bam, I'm back at the hotel and its 3:30 am.

I wake up at 7:30 am in just my panties and walk into the bathroom and look in the mirror. "Huh, someone took my make-up off." It took me 10 min. to realize that no one took my make-up off but me. I tried real hard to remember how we got back from the bar to the hotel but no dice. My feet were extremely dirty so I figured we must have taken our shoes off and walked (but it could have been a really dirty cab too).

I called one of my friends to see if she could fill in the blanks and discovered my friends missed their flight to Vegas as they were supposed to leave the hotel at 4 am for the airport and we didn't get back to the hotel until 3:30 and they decided to lay down and sleep for 12 minutes.

Well, after checking around, I didn't do anything too embarassing and I don't have to update my resume and start looking for new employment. Oh yeah, after a two day hangover, I remember why I don't drink whiskey.

Home for the Holidays

Big Princess is home.

This cheers me up.

The arguments between the 2 princesses has begun.

Ahhh, the holidays.

What the Hell is Wrong with these People?

I don't know if it was the weather or the alignment of the planets but everyone is in a funk. One of my favorite perverted friends sent me an email first thing this morning without a single reference to genitalia, sex, or animals "doing it". I emailed him back, expressing my disappointment. His reply: "Sorry, Its Monday, I'm tired and I just started my period."

From there the day got more grey and dreary.

My boss seemed out of sorts due to his company vehicle being in the shop, having to rent a car, his cell phone crapped out, his computer breaking down, and he has to go out of town the rest of the week.

Another coworker called asking for an employee roster. I explained that I don't really do that. I've done it in the past as a favor to him but I really don't have time right now. I could hear him freaking out, breathing harder. I told him to take a deep breath and release it. He could call HR and they could get it for him.

I drove to the gym after work and it was so foggy and grey that even though traffic was heavy, people just seemed to trudge along. No one was rushing or jocking lanes for better position.

Big Princess called while I was at the gym. I called her back but she was at work and didn't answer. I moved on to little princess and the gigantic homework assignment that is due Wed. She's had 3 weeks and I told her I wanted it completed by tonight. She's not done. She has questions. I told her last night that she had today to get with the teacher if she still had questions. She didn't.

This lead to a weepy, drawn out, whining session about how its not fair cause other kids have been told they don't have to do this project anymore. Its stupid and why should she have to do it.

Big Princess called back. Her little pickup "J Lo" won't shift and its on the side of the road, 2.5 hours from here. She caught a ride to work but: 1. she doesn't have the money to fix it, 2. she has 2 finals tomorrow, 3. the dorms close at 5 pm for the winter break. I told her its not the end of the world. She needs to get it to the garage first thing tomorrow, explain the situation to the mechanic, let adopted princess pick her up after her finals and bring her home. We'll loan her the money and let her borrow a vehicle so she can work while she's home. "Honey, its not the end of the world. You can always move back into your sister's bedroom and be our maid." My kind words caused her to cry in relief. (cause I'm good like that)

I hang up and little princess is now crying. "What's the matter? Are you crying about your homework assignment?" "No, its just that sometimes I think you love Big Princess more than me..." I explain that no I don't love either of them more than the other. Just in this instance, Big Princess has done nothing wrong but have some ill timed bad luck, while she has procrastinated a homework assignment that has me frustrated.

I then begged her not to start her period because I can't take any more drama today. I checked the calendar and informed her that Spring would be a better time, if she could hold off on that til then.

She's Not Homeless Folks!

Little princess and her friends signed up to ring bells in front of WalMart for the Salvation Army. Of course, little princess was the only one to show up for duty. I'm sure she looked a little dejected since she didn't have her friends there. It must have actually helped the cause--cause I saw lots of people putting money in the kettle. One lady gave little princess a coat she bought inside WalMart and told her that if it didn't fit, the receipt was inside the bag and she could exchange it. It was, like, 80 degrees so it wasn't like little princess was out there freezing to death. I have to assume that the women thought little princess was being assisted by the Salvation Army and would need a warm coat when she slept on the streets during the holidays.

I proud of little princess for doing something good, even if she did end up with actual blisters on her hands from ringing the bell.

Did It Sound Like Your Dad?

Big Princess called me. "Just checking in..." (I love that kid.)

"Ahhh, Did little princess call me? I had a weird voicemail message."

Me: little princess... Did you call your sister yesterday?... No, she said she didn't call you. Why? What was the message?

"Your mom's uterus is warm. I should know... I've spent time there."

Huh, that is weird. Could it have been from your dad? He's the only other person that has spent any time there...

~~~~vomiting noises and then dial tone~~~~~

Nothing to See Here, Move Along

Corporate office Christmas party turns out to be one big disappointment. News at 6.

Only one person got really drunk and all she did was beg people not to talk about her the next day. How sad...

I, however, looked smokin' hot. Too bad I was dateless (Big Daddy had to work). My biggest burning question is why all the dateless women tried to cling to me?

"Come with me to the bathroom."
"Where are you sitting for dinner? Is there room for the 5 of us that don't have dates?"
"Can you go with me to the bar, buffet, smoking area, etc."
"Will you dance with me?"

I don't care if it is girl on girl action, dancing breaks one of my "work rules".

1. Don't get shit faced. You may get a buzz going but then it time to go.
2. No dancing--period. Not with oposite sex coworkers, not with same sex coworkers, not with coworkers' spouses of either sex. No dancing.
3. No appearing in public in a swim suit.

Follow these rules and no one will talk about you the next day. Unfortunately, everyone followed my rules (for the most part) and I've got nothing to talk about.

Hey, I'll be attending the Houston Christmas party next week so maybe someone will still break my rules and I'll have some real news.

The Day It All Started--21 years ago

Today I lose my designated driver but gain a drinking buddy.

Happy Birthday Big Princess!

Ah, I remember well the 20 hrs of hard labor that still resulted in a c-section from hell by a doctor that didn't speak English. The 15 days in the hospital due to complications. The fact that you were so freaking big I had to send someone out to buy bigger baby clothes because you didn't fit into the newborn size clothes I had to take you home from the hospital in.

You ruined my body. I gain 60 lbs before I finally had you ripped from my womb 3 weeks late. I ended up with a 10" x 2" scar and no sensation from my who-ha to my belly button. I still have problems with the nerve that became trapped in my hip socket when my ligaments didn't loosen up and my hips didn't spread enough.

All said, I'd do it again to have you as my best friend (that I get to boss around--I mean parent).

Love,
Mom

On The Balance Beam

No, not dead.

Just Brain Dead.

I have control issues. I must be in control. I cannot lose control.

I like it when people need me. People who need me annoy me.

I saw a dog get hit by a car today because all the co-workers in the car yelled "Look! That dog's going to get hit!" I looked, then we ate lunch.

I decided to leave a friendship behind because he wasn't being very friend like. I saw him today. The minute I saw him light up when he saw me walk in I changed my mind. By the end of the day he made me regret my decision to like him again. Its like he only wants to be my friend when I ignore him. Who is sicker? Him for only being my friend when I push him away or me for going back for more...