p.s. I Love You

I may be funny to my friends but my family just thinks I'm strange.

Name:
Location: French Guiana

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Advice for Avoiding Shark Attacks

Sharks are unpredictable, and any time you are in waist-deep ocean waters you are in shark country. Sharks rarely attack people, but a few simple precautions can help you reduce the already slight risk. The National Parks Conservation Association suggests you practice these tips to avoid attracting seen or unseen sharks.

1. When in shark waters but no shark is in sight, look out for fins. If you see one fin cutting through the water, that is likely a dolphin. Two fins—one behind the other—are more likely to be a shark, with its back and tail fins above the surface.

(Likely to be a dolphin? This is like that advice about poisonous snakes having cat-like pupils and non-poisonous snakes having round pupils. If I gotta get that close, I'm already a deadman.)

2. Don't carry dead fish when swimming or diving.

(I'm sorry but I'm gonna need more specific information. Are we talking small dead fish, like minnows, or does this only apply to the 5 to 10 pound variety. It's harder to swim with the larger fish but you know, safety first.)

3. Don't swim at night, early in the morning, or early in the evening. These are the times when sharks are hunting.

(Or Monday thru Friday and never on the weekends cause that's when all the guys sharks get together and have a couple of drinks and go cruising for swimmers.)

4. Stay out of murky water.

(Especially murky water in your bathtub, i.e. along the lines of don't eat the yellow snow.)

5. Don't wear contrasting colors or flashing objects.

(Yes, I know this rule sucks for all the ravers out there. Save it for the club.)

6. Avoid wading or swimming in offshore sloughs or channels, such as might occur between sandbars, and in waters that drop off steeply to greater depths.

(Honey, did you bring the sunblock and the ocean floor map?)

7. Never molest a shark of any kind, regardless of size.

(That's funny cause I heard Hammerhead sharks were totally into that kind of thing. What the worst that could happen? You could get your picture and address on a special web site… and that would suck cause you would never get another shark to go out with you.)

8. If you spot a shark Stay calm, as sudden movements may attract a shark.

(Define "sudden movements". Is there like a demonstation video or something I can watch like Red Highway in drivers ed?)

9. Swim calmly and rhythmically back to land or boat.

(Shit, I'm screwed. I'm a white girl with no rhythm."

10. Keep the shark in sight, particularly if you are swimming underwater. In most shark attacks, the victim didn't see the shark. Sharks seem to shy away from people who look directly at them.

(Make up your damn minds. Keep him in sight but don't let him "see" you watching him?)

11. If all else fails, try to look prepared to fight back.

("If all else fails"... I am now a red puddle in the ocean.)

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Sunday, August 19, 2007

I'm in Love

First let me say that this is related to me pulling (or possibly tearing) a muscle in my butt.

I bet I have your attention now.

Get your mind out of the gutter.

I'm in love with the new curved shower curtain rod we bought this weekend. Since I couldn't do any of the things I wanted to (due to the sore ass), we went shopping and I had no idea bathroom accessories could give me such a warm fuzzy feeling. We bought the curved shower rod, new liner, new shower curtain, new fancy hooks with beads for easy rolling, and a fluffy new rug.

Now normally this would take several days to actually install/set up everything but while I iced my rear, Big Daddy got it all put in--get this--without my assistance, without swearing, without having to redo any part of it. And wait for it.... He actually read the directions.

Our shower now has 8" more horizontal clearance and that should make getting it on that much better cause the shower curtain won't be touching while we're loving.

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Tuesday, August 07, 2007

Empty your pockets... Now!

So I finally got to participate in the annual company skeet shoot. I was so excited I woke up early, like a kid on Christmas morning. Big Princess, Gym Buddy, and I went to the range the night before for a little last minute practice and to ensure the shotgun was truly repaired. I shot pretty well considering those two can't toss a pigeon by hand worth a crap.


So I drive three hours and get there right on time. The only problem is that when I have to get up at 4:30 am, pack, and hit the road at 6 am, I always hit Starbucks for a double latte. So I unload my gear and shelf my shotgun in the rack when I notice I have the "Starbuck's Shakes".


Crap! Maybe I can settle down before we get started in an hour. Then I notice that the ground every where is squishy. There is no dry ground anywhere. I get up there to take my three practice shots and all I can think of is "I'm gonna slip and go down with a shotgun loaded with three shells." I only manage to hit one of my three practice shots. I don't do much better during the first competition. Out of four shooters, I only make it to second.


All that practice and I cave under caffine and pressure.


The "Boys Club" wasn't being very generous with practice time after lunch and I got miffed and packed up. Wait, did I mention that it was 95 degrees and 128% humidity with no breeze what's so ever? I tend to get a little bitchy when I'm hot and sweating my ass off while standing in ankle deep muck. So at 2:30 pm I decided to go check into the hotel, clean up, rest up, put on dry clothes and return for dinner.


My second shower of the day was fabulous. It felt soooo gooood to be clean and dry. I put on my second outfit of the day and headed back to the function at 5:30 pm. Dinner was good. I won a very large canopy in the raffle, although I really wanted the shotgun, flat screened TV, ipod, digital camera, or humungous gas grill. We had some drinks and the service awards were given. Then twenty-two vehicles had to be pulled from the mud and everyone heads out for where ever they are going wet and covered in mud.

Its dark now and I head back to the hotel for shower number three and outfit number three. The 30 or so of us staying at the same hotel agree to meet at the pool for drinks and chit chat. We pull all the chairs around and spend a couple hours swapping lies and drinking. Some brave people even put on their swimsuits and get in the pool. (I have a rule about employees seeing me in my swimsuit--its not happening.) I'm standing by the pool when someone cannonballs and soaks me with pool water. Well its so humid that after an hour my shirt is still wet and I'm uncomfortable so I go back to my room and change into shirt number four, my last dry shirt.

I head back to the pool where the crowd has thinned to about ten people. I'm standing at the edge of the pool, chatting with the regional director about next year's management conference when suddenly I feel a hand grab my ankle. I look down and see one of the managers in the pool has a hold of my ankle and he's looking at the director. I turn my head to look at the manager when suddenly I'm dangling over the pool and the director shouts, "Empty your pockets.... Now! You're going in for all the times you've messed with us." (Come on, a couple of pranks, a remote controlled farting machine at a meeting, a fake dead rat in the hallway at a conference, and an inflatable sheep in one guys hotel room and I deserve this?)

"Wait!" I shout. "I've never done anything to either of you personnally," I tell them, stalling for time and trying to get my cell phone out of my pocket at the same time. Their admin. grabs the phone from my hand at the same time I become airborne. I come up sputtering for air and telling them "Thanks, I now have to drive home in my pajamas."

Everyone ends up in the pool, suit or no. Then, somehow, eight bags of What-a-Burger are delivered to the pool and we eat it all in the pool. Its finally decided to call it a night and I return to my room for shower number four and fall into bed at 3 am. I get up at 7 am and head home for another shower and a nap.

I'm already looking forward to next year. All I've got to say is "it's on, Southern Region. It's on."

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Friday, August 03, 2007

Please Pass the Ammo

I'm off in only a matter of hours to the company skeet shoot. I'm excited and nervous. I know I'm not as good as most but Lord, please don't let me embarass myself.

I get to go by myself. Yea! It's not that I don't want to spend time with my family. Its just that I want to focus on my business relationships and that's hard to do if I have whinning adolescents around me and Big Daddy is sitting like a petrified lump in the corner. I have a hard time focusing on multiple priorities.

Its like church. I love having Big Daddy beside me at church but then I feel obligated to be at his side instead of wandering around talking to other people. How does everyone else seem to balance this?

I really better figure it out fast. The church made me a deacon.

Yeah, yeah, I know. I've done my best to avoid this for years. I really didn't think it would happen. They only needed 4 people and 7 were nominated, all way more qualified than me. My back up plan was to have Big Princess start a smear campaign that I punch baby rabbits in the face. That made several people laugh and make hand gestures to me during the sermon like they were punching baby rabbits in the face.

Anyways, I'm off for a little R&R with my shotgun. Wish me luck.

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Thursday, August 02, 2007

"You Stink"

I was a little blue... until yesterday. Its funny how one little thing can put you back on top.

I was sitting at the front desk while the receptionist was at lunch. Its a boring little job that everyone has a turn at, the phone doesn't ring much, everyone's at lunch, you just have to sit there. The VP walked by, turned around and came back.

"This is probably inappropriate but..."

"I'm sorry, what?"

"This is going to be totally inappropriate..."

"Oh, oh ok. Just so we're both on the same page."

"If there was a vote for the person in the company who smelled the best, you'd win. You always smell fantastic."

I giggled and I think I might have blushed as I thanked him.

I'm still trying to figure out what part of that was the healing medication to relieve my melancholy; the compliment, the giggle, or the blush.

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