What does your cell phone do for you?

* Makes & receives calls
*Takes messages
*Takes photos
*Sends photos/text messages
*Plays games
*Keeps your phone book
*Keeps your calendar
*Let’s you watch TV
*Let’s you surf the internet/check email
*Keeps you from driving drunk

Wait, keeps you from driving drunk? Why yes, a new cell phone with built-in Breathalyzer is set to hit the U.S. market. So after a night of drinking you can pull out your phone to see if you can get behind the wheel or need to call a cab.

South Korean manufacturer LG will introduce the LP4100 to the U.S. market sometime in the near future — though no date is set.

Here's how it works: the Cell phone owner/drinker blows into a small spot on the phone and if they've had too much to drink the phone issues a warning and shows a weaving car hitting traffic cones.

Ok, so your cell phone can also:

*Keep you from driving drunk
*Keep you from making other alcohol-related mistakes

Hold on, “keep you from making other alcohol-related mistakes”? You’re kidding?

The LP4100 also allows the Cell phone owner/drinker to set up the phone so that you can’t call certain people on your contacts list on certain nights or after a certain time. Think 2 am, drunk-dialing your ex-boyfriend/girlfriend or their new boyfriend/girlfriend. If you have a blood alcohol level over .08 the phone will not let you dial that person.

So your phone not only promotes sobriety, but by halting drunk-dialing for a booty-call or telling off your ex’s new boyfriend/girlfriend, probably your chastity and dignity too.

Now if I could just get one with a lie detector!

Life's a Beach

So me, the princesses and the adopted princesses all got up at 3 am.

Why?

To go to Padre Island of course. A girls only beach trip.

I paid for gas and the entrance fee and the 2 oldest paid for all the food. We hit the road at 3:30 after a brief stop for sodas and ice. We arrived on the beach at 6:30 am just as the sun came up. We drove down the beach until we found about a 1/2 mile of beach all for ourselves and unloaded.

We walked the beach but there weren't any shells. We did however find a purple dildo and a couple of condoms mingled in the seaweed with other assorted trash. But unlike our last visit, no red tide, no dead fish or sea snakes. Yea! The girls played in the ocean until about 8:30 when we headed into town for breakfast at Sonic.

I didn't have any cell phone reception until we left the beach so I returned calls. The office really doesn't care where I am or why, when they want me, they want me now.

We then shopped for souveniers. I always buy the girls something that all matches. That way when we see one of us wearing it we'll go "I remember that trip!!!" They all got beaded necklaces with a shark tooth pendent. Then back to the beach.

We still got our 1/2 mile to ourselves. There were a couple more people but everyone kept their distance from each other. The two older girls begged for me to play peep show with them. Keep in mind, they are 17 and 19 yrs old. We walk up the beach for a ways and then go out past the breakers and swim without our tops until the surf pushes back to our starting point. Then tops up, walk back up the beach and do it again. Its incredibly freeing and we all three love it. The 2 younger girls boogie boarded in the general area of our vehicle and basically didn't have a clue what we were up to. Oh, someday they too will want to play peep show. I just wonder if it will be 5 of us or will the other two out grow their game.

We all played at the edge of the surf where Big Princess let us bury her in the sand. We even sculpted her a sand penis. I wish we hadn't forgotten the camera but then again I kind think the memories are better than photos. I know we'll all be talking (only amongst ourselves) about this trip for sometime.

It was time to head out about 1 pm. We went back to the visitor's station where the tourists were just starting to arrive by the bus load. Since they were just arriving we had the showers to ourselves. I commented that I think it was the first time we all group showered since basically it was just stalls, no doors or curtains. We stopped for lunch at McDonald's, I took a couple more business calls and arrived home around 4:30 pm. Slightly sunburned even though we applied sunscreen 3 times and avoided the heat of the day.

6 hrs of driving
$40 in gas
$13 drinks & ice
$17 snacks
$30 souveniers
$10 breakfast Sonic
$12 lunch at McDonald's

Teaching the girls how to be comfortable in their own skin and that nudity is ok in certain situations...priceless.

When Scenic Route Isn't so Scenic

We went out Friday evening shopping at a strip mall. I don't know why but malls are out and huge strip malls are in. You are exposed to the elements trying to get your purchases back to your vehicle every time you buy something and half the time you have to drive to the next store. But anyways,

We went to World Market because I'd never been there and wanted to see what they had. Basically its a huge store of exotic nicnacks and exotic foods. I did find my favorite cookies that the grocery store has stopped carrying, Pims raspberry chocolate covered biscuits. Yum. Then off to Petsmart for supplies for the birds. I asked if they carried anything to make dogs stop eating cat poo. They did carry something to make them stop eating their own poo. So we'll see if it helps. Its totally disgusting to see your dog with kitty litter on his nose after he's tried to "kiss" you. (Trust me, we've tried everything conceivable to stop him.)

I, of course, made a wrong turn trying to exit back to the highway and just decided to take the scenic back roads home. We're tooling along on an old farm-to-market two lane road that winds along a creekbed and is lined with trees on both sides, singing along to Johnny Cash and doing the speed limit of 35 mph. We approach an intersection and the cross traffic has the stop sign. I notice an SUV coming the other way and they are going fast, probably 50 mph.

"Will they stop? Do they see their stop sign?" I think to myself and let off the gas. At the last second I see they aren't going to stop and slam on the brakes and they scream thru the intersection. My heart is pounding as I pull thru the intersection. I look back and they screetch to a halt, and turn around. I'm thinking they're as rattled as I am but no, they take off with the tires spinning and turn the direction we were coming from and speed away. All this in less than 5 seconds. If I hadn't stopped they would have broadsided us at 50 mph and it would have taken a long time for the nearest help to arrive.

Big Daddy looks at me and says, "Why did you go this way?"

XXX--Must be 18 to Read

So... things are so dull here that tonight Big Princess, adopted Princess and I watched the two dogs make-out. No, seriously, we sat on the sofa and did nothing to discourage their activity.

Davie is probably 10 years old and Sugar is about 4 years old. Both are fixed. Normally they ignore each other and ocassionally Davie will go crazy on Sugar's hyper-active butt and bark at her to leave his grumpy ass alone.

But tonight Davie was feeling frisky.

He kept trying to hump her while we provided a running comentary.

Its apparently been awhile because he couldn't remember what end to do or how close he should be. At one point he was 3 feet away, humping the air around her backend. There was plenty of foreplay with kissing and sniffing of genitals. We're pretty sure Sugar got poked in the eye at one point.

Hey, there was nothing on TV.

The evening ended with the old man wearing himself out and after a brief rest and a drink from the toilet he finished the evening by licking his own gentials.

Why I've basically done nothing for 3 days

So we're nearing the end of the fiscal year and the boss decides we should spend all leftover funds. This from the man that makes me justify why I stay at the Hyatt across the street from the Houston office instead of the Holiday Inn at the airport. The taxi fare from the Holiday Inn each day more than offsets the cost difference.

So I send the order down to IT for the scanner I've been wanting. Friday IT calls and asks if they can bring it up and install it. "Sure, any time is good." They come up and discover that the scanner is incompatible with windows NT so they have to go back downstairs and build me a new computer.

Well, about 2:30 pm my boss says lets call it a day. This guy never lets me go home early and the one time he does, I can't leave. I'm waiting on an emergency check request from accounting. (You can beg for a check to be cut and then take off for the weekend. You'll never get anything on time again.)

So I wrap up the thing with the check and start gathering my stuff to go when IT brings up the new computer. I have to hang another hour and a half to make sure they transfer all the programs and files correctly. I finally get out of the office at 4:30. Down time 4 hrs.

Monday I come in and I can't print and I have to set up everything on my computer. The boss offers to take me to lunch and then decides that since only 25 out of 120 employees showed up today we should knock off right after lunch. IT never got me totally up and running. Down time 3 hrs and I only worked 4 hrs.

Today? I still can't print and I realize I'm missing the software to view faxes (they come directly into my computer). They get the software loaded but it won't print and they can't figure out why. Every freakin person in the office has this software. Time wasted this morning, 3 hrs. Come lunch time my boss decides its time to move. By 3 pm I can start moving into his old cube since he's out and in his new office. So IT comes up and spends 2 hrs moving my computer, scanner and phone.

Scanner $250, new computer $1,000, three unproductive days priceless.

Wait, its about to get better. Theres a little more money in the technology budget. Wait until IT discovers that I bought a label printer today and it should be here by the end of the week.

Label printer $189, calling IT to come up and install another piece of equipment...well, I might get my ass kicked but it will totally be worth it.