p.s. I Love You

I may be funny to my friends but my family just thinks I'm strange.

Location: French Guiana

Tuesday, December 09, 2008

And then I cried

I went to Border's today at lunch for a little Christmas shopping. That and I wanted to see if anyone truly put their secrets in the Post Secret books on the shelf. Nope, no secrets. I was a little bummed by that. I picked up some awesome Christmas gifts. I love giving books. I don't know why, I just do.

I got in my car, pulled out, and started to drive away when I saw a man about my age with a large elderly man in his arms. The old guy was taller than the man and no help as the man tried to get him from the front seat into a wheelchair behind the car. Just as I approached, the man tried to sit the old guy in the chair but it wheeled away and he dropped the old guy on the ground. I slammed the car into park, grabbed my keys, and jumped out, yelling "hold on, I'm coming." I ran the two car lengths as the man tried to hold on to the old guy and lift him from the ground. I grabbed the run-away chair and brought it back behind the old guy as the man lifted him again. It took the two of us a couple of tries to get him settled securely in the wheelchair.

The man thanked me profusely and explained how all the handicap parking spaces were taken so he didn't have room to set the wheelchair close to the passenger door and had to carry his dad all the way behind the car. He kept thanking me as I headed back to my car.

I noticed that by leaping from my car, I had blocked 4 or 5 other cars from leaving and they were all just sitting there waiting for me to move. I turned the car back on and put it into drive. As I drove away, I realized that there were at least 20 people walking to and from Borders past this man struggling with his elderly father and not one stopped to help.

I'm not sure why, but I cried the whole way back to the office.

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Sunday, December 07, 2008

How much are your student loans?

Last year little princess talked us into a live Christmas tree. See we had live Christmas trees up until the point we bought our first house. We had a rule back then... if you didn't use something at least once every six months, you couldn't keep it. We moved frequently and had no storage space. This made most holiday decorations against the rule. Hence, no artificial Christmas tree.

Finally, we bought a house and we began to collect stuff. Hell, I now have stuff I may (or may not) use once every six years. The artificial Christmas tree was fabulous when the kids were little. We used to nail it to the floor and tie it to a hook in the ceiling. No Christmas tree of ours was gonna fall on our kids. And if I was busy, I could just leave it up until Easter and hang plastic eggs on it.

Many Christmas season's have come and gone. Big Daddy and I find ourselves growing weary of the yearly chore of dragging the boxes and totes from the nether regions of storage (sometimes called the garage even though there hasn't been a car in it for more than 15 years). Then there's the fight to assemble and fluff the fake tree, untangle the lights, throw away the lights that worked when we put them away but don't now.

We've discussed this distain more with each passing year. Then, the children are mostly adults now and the joy they once felt for this yearly ritual is fading... or at least it was until last year.

Little princess begged for a live tree. She came up the dozens of reasons we should and as most parents come to realize, sometimes its easier to give in than listen to the whine coming from your child's mouth. We had a live tree last year.

This year she started around November. "We should totally cut down our own tree this year," she joyfully whined (over and over). "That would be freakin awesome."

Big Daddy and I now know why our parents all went to the two foot, pre-lit, artificial Christmas tree on the table the moment we left home. Because they could.

Sunday morning we mustered the children for the adventure. At 10:30 am we attempted to wake them. Big Princess wanted to know why she had to go. "Because its a damn family event and you will go and be happy about it. Now get up." Little princess wanted to know why we had to go at the crack of dawn. "Because it will be the crack of noon before you're ready to leave the house. Now get up."

So we load up (at noon, like I predicted) and drive 30 minutes to the "Tree Farm," which is the size of 3 small residential lots. We're handed a saw and a wagon and told to go pick one out. The girls took turns trying to pull each other in the wagon. We wandered up and down the rows trying to find the perfect tree. But, hey, this is Texas and Charlie Brown had a better selection.

Then suddenly, my 22 year old Big Princess looked at her father and said, "How do you think they got all these trees to grow in staight lines like this?"

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Thursday, October 09, 2008

All I have left to look forward to...

Little princess and I went to a memorial service for an eldery man from church. We knew him but not long or well and that in its self made me sad. I think this is little princess' first funeral. She says no, but neither of us can remember of any other funerals she's been to. The service was short and somber. Oh, and I wouldn't have sat with her if I'd have known she was a crier... cause I'm a sympathy crier.

On the way home she asked if we could go out for ice cream. I think that will be our new thing that we do after funerals, go for ice cream. We talked about the service and I told her, "Everybody better be wearing pajamas at my funeral and I'd better be wearing some pink sexy pj's. I don't care if I'm a hundred and six. H O T S E X Y Pajamas. And I want some Posion or Red Hot Chili Peppers playing softly when people come in. I want some rocking hymns, the kind with clapping and people swaying to the beat. Tell funny stories, try to include atleast one naughty one. And I do want flowers."

What kind? little princess asked.

"Pink ones. Roses, carnations, lilacs, daisies, and tulips."

Is that all?

"No, I want pussy willows too."

But I don't even know what pussy willows are...

"Look, you have lots left to look forward to... your first apartment, your wedding, decorating your first house, the nursery for your first baby. All I've got left to look forward to is my funeral."

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Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Father Time

Dear Father,
I'm robbing Peter to pay Paul. Please charge me interest.

My phone rang at 6 am this morning. There is apparently a cat shortage in Seattle, Washington and an Asian gentleman named Abraham could bring about world peace if only I could get him a kitten TODAY!

Well, who am I to deny the world peace. Despite his broken English and 50 cell phone calls, I managed to pull it off with the help of Big Princess. Oh sure, there were several micro crisis's but with world peace at stake (and me desperate to move some kittens) we came through with flying colors.

The time that was sucked up by this little side project today was robbed from my database time allotment. My database front end was split from the back end and all the forms and queries reworked. Today I should have been analysing the data for accuracy and testing since it has to go live at 8 am tomorrow for data entry. I did manage to steal some time to look it over briefly and direct some work to a co-worker (who will end up working all night).

This pushed my MS150 meeting with 70 team members into the lunch hour. Since I was presenting, I couldn't really sit there and eat while I talked so I skipped the consuming of calories (not all together a bad thing) and jumped right back into work. I fielded calls, sometimes 3 at a time, and tried to play catch up.

This worked until it was time to take world peace kitty to the airport. While it was 5 pm when I finished this humanitarian errand, I couldn't call it quits. I headed back to the office, dash off some emails, caught a few people that also couldn't escape at the 5 o'clock bell and then headed to the MS150 staging area to inventory the liquids (water, soda, Gatorade) and start stocking the coolers (all 15 of them) for Friday departure. At 6:45 pm I realize I really need to go home cause I'm running out of time to check homework, spend time with little princess, go through the mail, eat, shower, sleep and get up to do it all again.

On the way home I started making a mental "To Do" list:

  1. Call Sweet Woman that I was a bitch to because she was sucking up my time by wanting to tell me about some irrelevant article she saw in the newspaper. (Who reads newspapers anyways? I mean, really!)
  2. Call Gym Buddy and cancel for tonight (be sure to explain that you didn't really eat today so there's no point in exercising and the craziness of my life right now).
  3. Call Dear Friend who left you a message about having to leave town this afternoon due to a personal crisis (make sure she's ok and offer a prayer that everything gets better tomorrow).
  4. Return Best Friend's call from Saturday (explain that I'm really not sure what day she called or what day it actually is).
I can do all that while I eat. Wait if I eat while I shower and make these calls at the same time... I can get back 45 minutes of today.

What is the balance in my time account look like for tomorrow?
Just checking...

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Thursday, July 31, 2008

On A Roll (or 2 for 2)

I only discovered the joy of Brazilian waxes in the last year. And wow, what a difference a year makes. But... 5 out of 6 appointments have left me a little miffed. When I planned to do a little shopping after my appointment, I instead had to return home to clean up the wax residue.

Now I've never been shy of complaining about bad service to the person responsible but its a little more difficult if you consider doing it while naked from the waist down with the person who will probably be ripping your pubes out next visit. Well its time to make another appointment but I want a better experience so I email the manager to ask if it was normal to send clients out the door still sticky down below. (Hey for all I know maybe they charge extra if you want to leave clean.)

She promptly called me to say absolutely not and thanked me for bringing it to her attention instead of just looking for another spa. She then offered to give me a free appointment with one of her more tenured employees and asked me to speak with her afterwards so she could ensure I was happy with my appointment.

That made me extremely pleased as I would be saving close to $100 and I'm pretty sure getting superior treatment.

Later today I went to the gym with Big Princess and I worked her hard. Dripping sweat and close to vomitting she begged me to stop. I made a deal with her that if she got thru the complete last set of ab exercises, I'd buy her Krystal burgers on the way home. (Krystal burgers just opened and we've never had them before.) She was in and pushed it to the finish line.

We drive over to Krystal burgers and try to figure out how to order and what to order. They were extremely busy so we figured it would be good. We got our food about 20 minutes after we ordered and immediately took the burger out and took a bite. COLD. I hit the button for the carhop to come back but after 5 min. Big Princess said, "Let's just take them home and microwave them." Ok, I was tired of waiting too. We get home and not only are the burgers cold, my drink cup is leaking, we're missing little princess' macaroni bites and the fries are soggy, limp and undercooked.

Oh hell no! I called the store and asked for the manager. He listened while I explained all that was wrong with the order and then said, "Ma'am, thank you for bringing that to my attention. That is not acceptable and if you come back, at your convenience, I'll be happy to refund your whole order or replace it for free."

I like it when bad products or services are made right without me having to do more than calmly explain the problem.

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All in the same day

Dinner $15

1 bar of rock soap $10

Getting little prince to leave the house and shower in the same day...


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Thursday, July 17, 2008

How did we go from this to THIS?

Yesterday we finished at the dentist at 4:30 and I looked at little princess and said "So... what do you want to do now?"

"I don't know... get a car wash?"

"You wanna do something crazy?" I asked her slyly.

"That depends," she replied warily.

"We could grab our suits and go to the lake."


I'm rarely home before 6 pm and then there's dinner to make, mail to read, chores to do but today it was just me and little princess with a good four hours of day light to kill. We ran home and changed into our suits, grabbed towels, a cooler, sunscreen, and toobs, and were back on the road in under 15 minutes. We picked up soda and snacks and arrived at the lake in 45 minutes. There was only about 5 other families and plenty of room to spread out. We lounged in the lake and talked and laughed and told stories and teased each other while eating pringles and cookies in the water. The sun was warm on our faces and the water warm on our bodies. We packed it up around 8 pm hungry and happy. We picked up burgers and ate them on the sofa before getting ready for bed. I'm not sure about little princess but I sleep great. It was truly a great day together.

Then there was today. I got home close to 6 pm and immediately started fixing dinner. I wanted to go to the gym but it was already getting late so I thought "hey, little princess and I could do an exercise video together and spend some more quality time together."

I had her help me clear the living room and popped in the video. She said she didn't want to but then again she says that about almost everything. I told her I didn't care, we were doing it. We did the warm up exercises and I looked at her and she wasn't doing anything, just standing behind me. So I said, "Come on, put your hands on your hips" and she yelled "I'm NOT DOING THIS!" and stomped off to her room. I yelled back "Well, YOU CAN STAY THERE THEN."

I'm amazed how we went from connected and fun one day to yelling at each other the next.

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Monday, June 02, 2008

So you had a bad day...

A friend of mine had a bad day.

It seems hard to be single in your 40's. I mean, where do you meet people when you're in your 40's or beyond? I hadn't given this subject much thought until my friend confessed how lonely she was... then I started twisting it around in my mind.

Bars? Its seems like most singles at bars top out in their 30's. And then again, when is a bar ever a good place to meet your soul mate?

There's always the office, provided you work somewhere with a decent number of employees. But what about when it ends badly. My friend has tried this route and while it hasn't ended badly it has taken its toll with regards to the office gossip.

Take a class? Do single men really take dancing lessons? Cooking classes? What classes do men take? Seriously.

Where do any middle-aged, single people congregate? The park? The produce section at the grocery store?

All this thinking made me wonder why people didn't put more effort into staying together in the first place. It just seems like less work in the long run. I'm just saying...

Anyways, today someone stole my friend's catalytic converter off her car in the parking lot at work in broad day light. She called the police to come out and take a report. It will probably cost her about $500 to get it fixed. A friend from work offered to let her drive one of his cars while hers was repaired. My friend followed me to drop my boss's vehicle off at the shop (someone broke his window out at his house that morning). On the way back I remarked that I'd been meaning to stop by the new hotel by the office and check out the facilities. She said she could really use a beer.

She seemed so down that I decided to cancel my plans to workout at the gym and buy her a beer at the new hotel. We sat down and I bought us both a beer and I tried to think of topics to talk about that would cheer her up. Two guys sat down to her left and ordered drinks but they spent the entire time on their phones. Then a guy sat down to my right. The hotel manager came over to say hello and we were telling her about the catalytic theft and Mr. On My Right joined the conversation. We finished our beers and stood to leave. I turned to our new friend and started to say "It was nice chatting with..." when he winked at me. My friend turned at that moment and told him it was nice to meet him and we exited.

As we walked out, I told her that he winked at her. It seemed to cheer her up.

ps. Tomorrow's her birthday.


Wednesday, May 28, 2008

It hurts to look at her

Big Princess has disappointed me. I've asked her repeatedly since she's been home from school how her grades are and if there's anything she needs to tell me.

"They should be good. No, nothing to tell."

Big daddy has said that something's up. "Big Princess is getting the mail everyday, like she's waiting for something." I told him that I'd asked her and she reassured me that everything was fine. "Besides, the school has my email address on file and they notified me last year when she was on academic probation. I haven't received anything from them."

I took her with me on an impromptu road trip to pick up my new shotgun. We spent 5 hours in the car together. I explained to her that we had helped her make a 4 year plan to get through college but now it was time to start planning for beyond that. It was clear that she had not given her future any thought. I told her she needed to take some time this summer and think about how she was going to achieve the rest of her goals.

Then the bomb dropped. I got an email at work from the university stating that her academic probation was cancelled due to lack of progress. She had told me she was off probation. In addition to this, all her financial aid was being cancelled. It said she could appeal the decision but she only had two days to do so.

I immediately called her and told her she had better have her official grades available to me that evening. (She had been telling me that her grades weren't available yet for weeks.) I get home and she's already left for work but there on the table is a folded sheet with her grades (folded like it came in an envelope, in the mail). She has failed all but one class, in which she received a C. She failed Jewelry and Old Testament, for god's sake. The paper also tells me that she has now attempted but failed 21 credit hours. This means she's now a year behind and paid approximately $18,000 to sleep away from home.

Now, close your eyes and picture me losing my shit. In addition to all this, I now have the pleasure of telling my husband he was right.

Apparently Big Princess didn't receive credit for 21 hrs, not because of performance, but because she skipped class too many times to receive credit. How retarded is she? Knowing she had missed too many classes to receive credit, she still studied for and took all her finals.

The three of us had a little coming to Jesus meeting where we informed her she would be staying home for the next year, playing catch up at the local college. She's not happy but hey, she does get to live (for now).

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Wednesday, May 07, 2008

Its almost over...

Travelling marathon almost over.

I've been on the road for 3 out of 4 weeks and the week I was in town, I had to take the kids at church camping at the beach. Next week is the last major trip for (hopefully) the Summer. I'll be working the company's charity music festival for 4 days. Its being held in the middle of No Where Texas. I have to drive 30 miles to the nearest town every day for a shower.

In other news, on the way home today I found the liquor outlet store.

Crown Royal
Cruzan Coconut Rum
Tequila Rose
and the bartender's bible.


How awesome is that?

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Friday, April 25, 2008

Damaged For LIFE

I dropped little princess at a sleep over and then hit the gym. Came home and hit the shower. Just as I shut the water off, I hear my cell phone go off in the livingroom.

Huh, I'll just call who ever it is back after I dry off and get dressed.

Ring, Ring, Ring... the house phone starts ringing the second my cell phone ceases.

Well, crap. Must be little princess. I run to the kitchen and grab the phone.

Hey, what are you doing?
Who is this?
It's Big Princess.
WHY ARE YOU CALLING ON THE HOUSE PHONE! (We've had many discussions regarding how to avoid using cell phone minutes by only calling each other cell to cell.)
Why are you yelling?
I had to jump out of the shower and run to get the phone because little princess is at a sleep over.
Hmmm, this is {insert Big Princess' name}, little princess' friend from school... I thought you were little princess.
Ahhh, crap. Look, I'm really, really, really sorry. You do know that little princess has an older sister with the same name right? I would never tell you I was naked. Could we not mention this to little princess? or anyone else for that matter?

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Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Post Highlights

I had some minor outpatient surgery in (let's just call it) a delicate area last Thursday. It seemed like a good time to have it done. Big Princess was home on Spring Break and could take me and then take care of me. I was off work the next day for Good Friday, so it would basically give me almost four days of recovery time.

It kicked my ass.

Pre-surgery went fine with only a minor hiccup with the insertion of the IV. (I currently have a bruise that looks like Mike Tyson punched me with an IV needle.) Big Princess blew up a latex glove and we played beach ball until we got to giggling too loudly and got busted by the doctor. Then they gave me a happy shot and wheeled me away.

I should have had an inkling of things to come when the doctor gave me 2 IV injections of morphine and sent me home with prescriptions for vicodin and muscle relaxers. Big Princess settled me on the sofa and went to meet my drug dealer, I mean fill my prescriptions. She came home and doled out my drugs. Then, according to her, she asked if she could have some of my tea*... to which I slurred, "NO! Drink my liquor. I can get more liquor."

The rest of the day was spent sleeping and taking pills. Little princess said that one time I held my hand toward the TV and tried to change the channel... but I didn't have the remote control in my hand.

Friday was spent napping a little less and taking pills every 4 hours. I was in no shape to attend Good Friday services that night so everyone left me on the sofa and went without me. I was sad but there was no way I could sit on a hard chair and not drool all over myself.

By Saturday I was sure I would feel better and told the girls we'd go shopping. Well shopping consisted of everyone accompanying me to the grocery store to buy just what we needed for Easter breakfast at church. Big Daddy ended up having to do the actual grocery shopping in the middle of the night.

I did make it to church (barely). I can only imagine what people must have thought. I was quiet and subdued, not like me at all, and we bolted the minute service was over. But I was sure I could make it through the night without my trusty vicodin and be able to drive to work Monday morning.

Hey, guess what? I couldn't and didn't.

I have stayed home sick with the flu, vomiting and diarrhea, and still fired up my laptop and answered emails and took calls. Not this time. I did manage to stay awake most of the day and only napped once. I finally dragged myself to the office Tuesday but spent the day wishing I was dead.

To top it all off, my mother and her husband decided this would be a fantastic time to drive their travel trailer all the way down from Indiana for a week long visit this week. So after a torturous day at the office, I have to go home and get little princes and drive to their trailer park for dinner and a couple hours of chitchat, when all I really want to do is go home and die on my sofa.

Friday I am supposed to compete in a company skeet shoot. I am currently trying to come up with a plausible story as to why I can't shoot. The upside is that its 3 hours away and I won't have to see my mom that night. The downside is that after getting home late Friday night, I'm supposed to take her, her husband and the girls to the "Cowboy Capital of the World" an hour from here for a day of shopping on Saturday, instead of spending the day in bed recovering.

Please pray for the recovery of my "delicate area" and patience in dealing with my mother and her husband.

* I love this tea called "Gold Peak". Its sweet tea with 0 calories. Its hard to find in my area and I had just returned from a business trip in Houston and found it at a hole in the wall gas station. I always carry a cooler so if I find it, I can stock up.

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Thursday, March 13, 2008

Its like a mirror on the inside...

I didn't used to see a lot of myself in little princess. I mean she's tall and lanky; I'm regular length and on the round side. I have big boobs and grey eyes; she has brown eyes and, although her boobs are still coming in, they are probably going to be more regular sized. She's a crier; I'd rather amputate a body part than have someone see me cry. She's a cat person; I love dogs. I'm a go-getter. Do the hard stuff first and get it out of the way. Little princess believes the hard stuff will go away if she ignores it long enough (or maybe she just hope someone else will do it).

I went to her parent teacher conference today. Eighth grade isn't easy but if you don't turn your homework in for, say 6 weeks, it can be pretty hard to act cool in front of your teachers 5 minutes before your mom shows up for a chat.

One teacher said little princess stopped him in the hall to ask what he was going to tell me. Another teacher said little princess had uttered her "catch phrase" in class today. "Well, I'm almost passing."

Her teachers describe her as smart, eccentric, unique, whimsical and quirky. Today they told me stories of how she cheers them up. Cheers Them UP. One teacher said, "I can't wait to see what she grows up to be." They are all truly impressed with her ability to do her own thing and how she doesn't really much care what other people think of her essentric behavior.

In eighth grade most kids are killing themselves to fit the standard, be normal in the eyes of their peers, go with the flow. Not my kid, who takes her lunch to school in empty "Easy Mac" and cereal boxes, wears bright pink rubber boots with her gym uniform, only does half her hair (on purpose).

I think this is what we have in common, they ability to act how we want, be ourselves, without fear of alienating those we care about and who love us. Do her teachers and friends like her any less because she once glued Furby's eye lashes on her eyes? I am over joyed to hear that my brown eyed, skinny, tall, moderately boobed, daughter does her own thing to the delight of those that truly care about her and that she brings them joy just by knowing her.

ps. She isn't passing all her classes but she "almost is".

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Monday, March 10, 2008

Nothing Says Texas Like...

a Monday night emergency trip to Walmart for gun cleaner and beer.

Why do they keep the beer so far away from the gun stuff?

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Thursday, March 06, 2008

The Doctor Is In

I flew to Dallas last night and back this morning to attend a birthday party for a big whig from work who rented a whole theater and had 2 bands play, 2 bars, and a buffet. I wanted to look good so I headed to the salon before my flight to get my hair "done".

Oscar is amazing. The shampo job was like a mini massage and the blowout was warm and relaxing. The end result? I look totally fabulous and I was completely relaxed.

I took my best-friend as my date and we had a ball. The night ended with us laying in bed, giggling like 5 year olds until we fell asleep.

I feel better than I have all year. I can't believe that a 14 hour trip could totally change my outlook on life. I thought it would take atleast a year of therapy...

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Sunday, March 02, 2008

Found Out

Hi little princess!

She wouldn't give up until she found me. Oh, she'd asked several times where my blog was located and I told her it was none of her business.

After she announced she'd found it, I explained, "Fine, but you can't get mad if you read something you don't like. My blog is where I go to vent, de-stress, and record my feelings; both the good and the bad. Its like my diary. If I knew where your diary was, would you like it if I read it?"

So little princes... if you're reading this you should probably be doing the dishes and getting ready for bed. Don't make me tell you again!

ps. You look totally cute in the new tennis outfit I bought you this weekend. Now go learn to play tennis.

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A Legend in my own mind

1. Had drinks with a friend Friday.
2. Birthed some kittens Friday too.
3. Took my family to a nice seafood restaurant on Saturday even though I'm allergic to seafood.
4. Sunday called a guy friend to shoot a couple of round of skeet and then work out at the gym.
5. Made a sick Big Daddy cheddar potato soup as a finale on Sunday.

I'm so friggin awesome I'm surprised men aren't lined up down the block to woo me... Guess the word is out that I'm taken.


Wednesday, February 20, 2008

I Have Feelings

(paraphrased from the orignal email)
How have you felt about some of the changes to our music at church?

A few years ago, I began feeling a need to add something else. I had been hearing about Taize music from France. A music style we might call "contemplative" is becoming popular around the country. A woman from the music team began singing some Taize chants on Sunday about a year ago. I also introduced chimes and periods of silence into worship.

If you have feelings about this you would like to express, write me back.

I waited several days before I responded. I considered not responding at all even though I have had a rather strong opinion in regards to the chants. (My family knows well my feelings and we've had several conversations regarding "the chants".) But believe it or not... I don't like to rock the boat. I was afraid that any negative response on my part would cause people to whisper behind their hands about how I ruined church for them.

I waited to reply so I could figure out why I had a problem with the chanting. I've watched others during the chanting respond favorably; eyes closed, smiling, swaying. I'm not saying everyone looks comfortable. Some look like a deer in the headlights but you know the saying, "you can't please everyone."

I just kept coming back to the last line of the email: "If you have feelings about this..."

Then after Church this Sunday I realized I don't like the Taize chants when they are not in English. (I think it may have something to do with bad memories of being forced to attend Mass in Latin as a child.) Maybe I missed the Sunday when it was explained to the congregation but I had no idea what Taize chants are or what I was supposed to be getting from it and that made it hard to like too. And I truly dislike having to repeat (or sing along) when I don't know what I'm saying (back to that non-English thing).

Anyways, I ponied up and sent my feelings via email.


Tuesday, February 12, 2008

But White Shows the Dirt

I think little princess (who is now 5'10"... 2"-3" taller than Big Princess) was intrigued by fencing because as of fall 2007 she totally wanted to be a pirate. She also asked me if the fencing outfit came in other colors.

"Wouldn't white show the blood? I'd want it in black or maybe red?"

Yeah, cause I know how much she hates doing laundry.

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Monday, February 11, 2008

She Really is Mine

"So... what do you want to do after the dentist?"

"I've been thinking about doing tennis."

"What are you talking about, you don't even have a racket."

"Me and Lill were talking about 'doing' something together and wanted to do fencing. But I was all like, those outfits would be too hot... and ugly."

"You do look totally hot in a tennis skirt."

"Yeah, I know. That's why we decided on tennis. The outfits are totally cute."

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Saturday, February 02, 2008

VIP All Access Pass

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Heaven 101 mini informational guide. Don’t be a victim of culture shock. Get acquainted with the land..
All access VIP pass. This pass will grant you access to “VIP exclusive areas” including the Land of Milk and Honey and Thug Mansion, where all the elite get together and kick it.


We can offer group discounts on parties larger than 5. If you would like to make a reservation for a larger party then Contact Us and we will work with you to make sure you are taken care of.

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Monday, January 28, 2008

When Harry Met Sally

So we're at the gym. We've completed 20 min. of cardio and head down stairs to do some work on the mats. There's a personal trainer working with a young woman (who doesn't look like she needs training) and a guy doing push ups. Gym partner is lagging behind me, like, 8 feet. So I turn around and say (rather loudly so he can hear me), "Do you want a ball or do you want a weight?" He replies, "I want a weight."

I see nothing out of the ordinary in this coversation. I merely wanted to know if he wanted a medicine ball or a barbell to increase the intensity of his floor exercises. Much to my amazment, everyone around me is doubled over in laughter.

Here's what everyone else heard:

"You wanna ball... or you wanna wait?"
"I wanna wait."

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I'll take "What is sit down and shut up" for $500 Alex

I've been given the smack down twice this week already and its only Monday.

The big boss is upset with me for speaking to and carrying out a request from his boss without first discussing it with him.

My supervisor thinks I've over-stepped my bounds by finding a free software program from the government that will help the company from many different levels.

Apparently I behave as if work is a game show where having the correct answer first will win me a prize.

I have been informed that is an incorrect assumption on my part. I am to zip it and let my superiors have time to formulate the correct answer on their own (or atleast feed them enough information to let others think they came up the idea themselves). Its their job to do the speaking parts. (I am reminded here of my crapy stepfather's theory that children should be seen and not heard.)

My supervisor said I'm a "go-getter" which "can be a good thing... and a bad thing."

How can this be a bad thing? Oh, yeah, when I make them look bad. Now I remember. I truly believe most of this comes from the fact I'm a (gasp) woman.

I have been thoroughly chastised and promise to stop making eye contact and offering opinions... so help me God. (I will also walk 5 paces behind the men in my department... but I will be cussing them and making faces.)

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Thursday, January 17, 2008

Who Did What?

Actor David Spade is to become a dad for the first time after his ex-girlfriend named him as the father of her unborn child.

Named him? "I name my baby-daddy David Spade."

Playboy Playmate Jillian Grace, 22, claims she fell pregnant with (David) Spade's baby after dating him for a short period last year.

How does one "fell" (fall?) pregnant? I know David Spade is short but come on.

And the 43-year-old has vowed to support Grace if her claims of paternity prove to be correct.
He tells TMZ.com, "I had a brief relationship with Jillian Grace. If it is true that I am the father of her child, then I will accept responsibility."

Ok, translation time:
brief relationship=drunk fucked once
accept responsibility=will tell everyone he totally "did" her

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Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Oh hell no

Right before I left for vaction over the holidays, my "supervisor" and I were talking about the manager he just hired and I was asking how much support this guy was going to require. "Well, there'll be a lot more permits coming out of this office, so that means a lot more copying, filing, and proofing of permits." I suggested that it was time to think about hiring an admin. That between the 3 of us we could keep someone busy 8 hours a day. (That's been the argument against getting some help up til now.) His reply was, "I think we need to reassess your duties and pull you back into the environmental dept."

I'm the database analysist for the Operations Support Dept. (Environmental falls under Ops Support). I also do all the Workers' Comp., write and edit the company newsletter, manage the operator qualifications, and I'm the event planner for corporate functions. My time is split 60% in Safety, 20% in Regulatory, 10% in corporate functions, and 10% in Environmental. But my expenses all come out of his Environmental budget. I think this chaps his ass, that and the fact that he rarely knows what I'm working on at any given moment. I think that the only reason I report to him is that we are in the same office.

He wants me to make copies and file! What the fuck? With what they pay me they could hire 3 admins. I fumed for several days. I wondered if he had already discussed this with his boss.

Well, the big boss was finally in town and we sat down to discuss 2 corporate events that I'm working on and a reorganization of some databases for the safety department. After we'd gone over all the details, I looked him in the eye and said "Now I'd like to talk to you about me." He had a momentary look of a deer in the headlights before he recovered his composure. "Ah, ok."

I explained the conversation I'd had with my supervisor and asked him what he thought. "Well," he said buying some time. "That doesn't make a lot of sense... unless you wanted to." I explained that I would be very unhappy if that happened. He said he thought my supervisor was only thinking about how to solve his problem of needing more support and not thinking about my upward mobility. (That's putting it nicely.)

"I will take care of this."

I was pretty sure he would take care of this before I talked to him. He sometimes moves slower than I would like but sometimes you have to wait for the right moment to move things forward. For once I was able to apply this theory by waiting 3 weeks for the big boss to show up in person instead of calling him on the phone and rambling on while I was still upset by the initial conversation with my supervisor. Here's hoping this thing resolves itself sooner, rather than later.

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Monday, January 07, 2008

It Still Hurts

Adopted princess returned late Friday night. I know this because she was asleep curled up next to Big Princess when I woke up Saturday (and she wasn't there when I went to bed).

We all had some errands to take care of Saturday but regrouped at the house that afternoon. The two older girls went with me to buy new cells phones and a 2008 family calendar (cause less than one week into the new year without a calendar and we were falling apart). I rewarded the girls with frozen custard at Freddy's for not whining about how long it took at the phone store. Big Princess and I split a burger too.

We agreed that we'd do Sunday School the next day but bug out of church and head to Bandera for antique shopping the next day since Big Princess needed to leave Sunday night for school. I called my friends in Bandera to arrange for them to join us for lunch.

I didn't sleep well Saturday night. I blamed it on a late nap with Big Daddy. I kept thinking "yeah, I'm gonna be tired tomorrow but I'm not cancelling. Its our last chance for a girls shopping trip." About 30 minutes before my alarm would have gone off, I hear Big Princess get up and go into the bathroom. I then hear the most god awful retching noises. I get up and take her a bowl. She declines as she has already vomited into the trash can. I tell her ok and realized that I'm gonna need it.

We both spend the rest of the day vomiting from both ends, moaning, and napping. We do, however, have awesome friends. I weakly called gym buddy and asked if he could possibly see his way to the store for some Popsicles. He brought both our favorites promptly. Later I asked Big Princess to call in a favor and get someone to bring us some ginger ale. Her buddy, not known for his promptness, got us 2 large bottles in, like, 20 minutes. (I really thought it would take a minimum of 45 minutes.)

We both woke up this morning feeling like we'd been run over by dueling semi trucks. For the record she did vomit two more times than me. Unfortunately she absolutely had to get on the road to register for classes. I, on the other hand, have ten sick days and wasn't afraid to use one less than 7 days into the new year. I spent the day napping on the sofa, trying to keep solid food down and finally went for a massage. I currently feel more human, less zombie-like.

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Wednesday, January 02, 2008

Wait, What Were We Talking About

It started with me announcing to little princess that she was getting a tetanus shot tomorrow.

lp: What? Why?
me: Because they won't let you back in school with out it.
Big Princess: You know they give it to you in the butt.
lp: No they don't.
BP: Yes they do.
lp: No they don't... I'm gonna look it up on the internet.

lp: It says "given in the large muscle". See, I told you.
BP: What do you think your largest muscle is? Its your butt.

Further googling by lp...
lp: It says "can be given in the arm or thigh." Booya!
BP: Lift your arm... make a muscle. Yeah, its going in your butt.
lp: Mom! Make her stop.
me: Honey, the doctor is gonna be all "back that thing up JLo" and the nurse is gonna making that backing up noise... beep beep beep.

me: Its not like you have to drop your drawers to your ankles or anything. Just peel it down a crack.
BP: You should wear a thong.
lp: Like I have any thongs.
me: You can borrow one of mine.
lp: Mom! You have a thong?
me: A drawer full.
both: YEW!

A moment of silence followed by:
BP: You know thongs are the #1 cause of yeast infections. It rubs all your butt junk into your who-ha.
me: I appreciate you using such technical language.

Ok, I'm not sure how we jumped from thongs, butt junk, and who-ha's to this next topic...

lp: I'm tired of sex ed. I know it all by now.
BP: Really, why is it easier to get AIDs from annal sex.
lp: Well, I know its men's favorite position.
BP: What is?
lp: Doggie style.
me: That's not annal sex.
lp: Yes it is, its the same thing.
me: No, doggie style is just a woman on all fours. Its still going in the who-ha.
lp: Its still disgusting.

Brief pause (we have to catch our breath from all the laughing).

me: Ahhh, are there any other positions you are unclear about.
me: Ok, what's something you need for annal sex?
They both yell at the same time, like its a game show:
BP: A condom!
lp: Love!
me: Ok, I'll accept both answers. I would have also accepted lube.

both: GROSS!

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Monday, December 24, 2007

They'll Never Track Little Princess Down

I bought a GPS system today as an early Christmas present to me. Thank you Me! You always know just what I want!

I'd done the research and wanted the one with the best out of the box features. So we get in the car and it took longer to get it out of the box than to set it up and plug in our first destination. Little Princess and I were mesmerized as the female robot voice told us exactly where to go.

"Look mom, you don't even have to look at the road... you can just look at the screen. But I don't recommend that. You could crash."

"Yeah, I think I'll just watch the road and listen to where she tells me to go."

"Let's give her a name. Let's call her Gladys."

"No, I'm gonna call her Rosie."

"No, call her Gladys. I don't like Rosie."

"She reminds me of Rosie the Robot, from the Jetson's. Watch her freak out when I don't make this next turn. I told her we were going home but we're really going to Petland."

"Look, she knows what time we'll arrive at our destination. The time stopped while we are sitting at the red light."

"Huh, that's weird. How does she know were aren't moving...?"

"The statilite tracking...?"

"Oh yeah, that makes sense. Wow, Rosie knows exactly where I'm at and what time it is."

"That's why I only pay cash and don't have a GPS."

Now why didn't I think of that, Little Princess?

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Thursday, December 20, 2007

I Broke All My "Rules of Behavior"

1. No getting Shit Faced
2. No Dancing
3. No Swimsuit

Obey these rules and no one can talk smack about you the next day.

It started with the usual Friday morning conference call... except I called in from home. I immediately left for the salon and got my locks curled while Big Princess fetched me a latte from Starbucks. Then off to the airport for Houston. The calls started flying.

"Are you going?" (Hell yes!)

"Who else is coming?" (Only the IT dept. that I'm aware of)

"What time will you be here?" (I should be to the hotel by 4:30)

"Who's your date?" (My girlfriend from Baytown)

"What are you wearing?" (Not sure yet, I brought 2 dresses)

"What time are you showing up?" (The party starts at 7:30 so I plan to be there by 8 pm)

I called my friend and left a message, "Are we meeting today or are you blowing me off... again?"

He called back before my plane left the ground. He got hung up and was not going to make it. Hell, he didn't even think he'd make it to the party. So instead of checking into the hotel around 4 pm, I got there at 1 pm, grabbed some lunch and started to do some work. It was not to be. My date arrived first and then everyone else started to arrive and congregate in my room.

I was stewing about him cancelling another meeting and not being at the party after I drug his Christmas present all this way. Someone asked why I was here so much earlier than anticipated and I explained the cancelled meeting and it got me more fired up. "Fuck him! I don't even care what he needs help with... he can do it himself. Hell, open his damn gift, rip that paper girl. We are drinking his Christmas present." And with that we killed a bottle of Crown XO before the party started.

We finally shoo'd my friends out so we could get ready for the party. I brought two dresses and we decided on the red one. My date brought 4 dress and 6 pairs of shoes. It took much longer to help her decide what to wear. We made the party at 8 pm after picking up a coworker and his girlfriend. We ate, continued drinking and I think I dirty danced (do to the soreness of my thighs the next day). Not quite, sure as things start to get a little fuzzy at this point. The formal party ended at midnight and we all headed to the after party at a favorite bar. I remember 2 more drinks and then, bam, I'm back at the hotel and its 3:30 am.

I wake up at 7:30 am in just my panties and walk into the bathroom and look in the mirror. "Huh, someone took my make-up off." It took me 10 min. to realize that no one took my make-up off but me. I tried real hard to remember how we got back from the bar to the hotel but no dice. My feet were extremely dirty so I figured we must have taken our shoes off and walked (but it could have been a really dirty cab too).

I called one of my friends to see if she could fill in the blanks and discovered my friends missed their flight to Vegas as they were supposed to leave the hotel at 4 am for the airport and we didn't get back to the hotel until 3:30 and they decided to lay down and sleep for 12 minutes.

Well, after checking around, I didn't do anything too embarassing and I don't have to update my resume and start looking for new employment. Oh yeah, after a two day hangover, I remember why I don't drink whiskey.

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Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Home for the Holidays

Big Princess is home.

This cheers me up.

The arguments between the 2 princesses has begun.

Ahhh, the holidays.